5 Signs Your People-Pleasing Is Actually A 'Survival Mode'

WomanChances are you either know, or are, a “people pleaser” ― someone who feels the urge to please others, sometimes at your own expense. It can make you reluctant to say “no” to others, anxious about speaking up for your own needs, and suspicious that the people in your life are always taking advantage of your “helpful” nature. But speaking to HuffPost UK, Dr. Bijal Chheda, consultant psychologist and the founder of neurodiverse-inclusive mental health clinic Nos Curare, sometimes the instinct can be a form of “fawn mode.” What is “fawn mode”?“While many people are familiar with the classic stress responses ‘fight, flight, or freeze,’ there’s a fourth overlooked reaction called ‘fawn mode,’” Dr Chheda told us.“Fawn mode is a psychological response to threat where, essentially, people-pleasing is turned up to become a survival strategy.”But instead of causing you to flee from or confront a perceived threat, “fawn mode” means you become hyper-attuned to the needs and expectations of those around you.It can happen to people who were bullied or exposed to an emotionally unsafe environment in childhood, the expert said, but it can also start in adulthood following toxic work, romantic, familial, or platonic relationships.“Because they fully believe that their safety or acceptance depends on keeping others happy, people in fawn mode feel the need to work extra hard in the moment to maintain peace,” the psychologist shared.For those on the autism spectrum, fawning behaviours “may overlap with masking or the act of camouflaging one’s real traits as a way to blend in with social expectations.“They do this consciously in order to minimise rejection or avoid criticism, often resulting in burnout.”Those with ADHD may face similar pressures, she continued. What are the signs I’m in “fawn mode”?Per Dr Chheda, you may be in fawn mode if: 1) Saying no feels impossible, even when you’re overwhelmed.You might find it hard to set boundaries, even ones that are sorely needed, the psychologist said. “Even when your own energy or time has been depleted, you tend to prioritise others’ needs to avoid conflict or confrontation.” 2) You are constantly anxious about upsetting others.“This heightened anxiety makes every interaction feel like a test where one wrong move could lead to disapproval or instant abandonment,” Dr Chheda told us. This can make clear, honest communication “exhausting.” 3) Apologising has become a reflex or automatic response.Find yourself saying “sorry” out or habit, even if you’ve done nothing wrong? “In these instances, apologising has become a default response used to smooth over situations or deflect potential criticism,” explained the psychologist. “Over time, this habit can blur the lines of personal responsibility.” 4) Your sense of self-worth depends on being needed.Some people in “fawn mode” tie their self-worth to how useful they feel they are to other people. “In turn, this dynamic makes it hard to recognise your own personal needs or prioritise self-care without feelings of guilt,” Dr Chheda stated.5) You feel responsible for how other people feel.You might be hyper-vigilant about other people’s emotions and moods.“This constant monitoring can leave you emotionally exhausted. In focusing so much on others, it becomes easy to lose sight of your own feelings or identity,” the pro told us. What should I do if I think I’m in “fawn mode”? You don’t have to turn a lifetime of habits around in a day, Dr Chheda revealed.“Self-awareness is the first step to breaking free from fawn mode. Take time to reflect on when these behaviours began and how they have been reinforced throughout your life,” she advised.“Once you have done this, you can start setting micro-boundaries. Begin with small steps like saying no to low-stakes requests or pausing before agreeing to things.” The process of untying your worth from the needs of others can be lonig and tricky, the psychologist ended, but is ultimately worth it.Related...‘I Was Made to Feel Like a Nuisance’: How Death Admin Becomes A Second Trauma For Grieving FamiliesIt’s Not Social Media – What Teens Say Is Damaging Their Mental Health MostRunning Got Me Out Of The Worst Mental Health Dip Of My Life – Here's How I Started From Zero

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