'Gentle Parenting Turned My Kid Into An A**hole. Am I Doing It Wrong?'

You’re reading Between Us, a place for parents to offload and share their tricky parenting dilemmas. Share your parenting dilemma here and we’ll seek advice from experts.It’s a blunt opening: “Gentle parenting turned my child into an a-hole,” Redditor u/pb_and_s shared to r/Parenting. They knew before having their now five-year-old that they wanted to be a gentle parent and “diligently researched the most up-to-date theories and strategies around discipline and emotional development”.They’re not alone. The relatively new method, which shifts parental discipline from an authoritarian kind to a more democratic one, is popular among younger parents (and has prompted a generational divide between some parents and their own mums and dads).But the poster said their child’s behaviour spun out of control under the approach, with them “getting more and more bratty”.It’s only after they started enforcing their boundaries more strictly that they’ve seen a change in the behaviour, leading the poster to comment: “Despite feeling like a witch with a b, I’m starting to think that gentle parenting is a crock of shit and I should have been more authoritarian from the start.”So, we asked experts whether gentle parenting stands up – and whether, like the comments below the post suggested, the Redditor may have misunderstood what the parenting style really means. Don’t mistake ‘gentle parenting’ for blanket permissiveness “Gentle parenting is often mistaken for indulgence – an approach where children are left to make the rules and parents are too soft to say no,” Michele Davison, owner and manager of Angels on The Park nursery, told us.But when done correctly, she said the parenting style can be “a deeply respectful, attuned way of relating to children that centres emotional connection, empathy, and understanding” – all while still holding firm and consistent boundaries. Clinical psychologist Dr Elina Telford, who specialises in working with children and owns The Bluebell Clinic, agrees. While gentle parenting differs from an authoritarian approach, she explained, it also differs from a permissive approach.The latter can “involve avoiding conflict and allowing an undesirable, and even unsafe behaviour, to continue, often because the parent is too fearful or anxious about upsetting their child”, she said.“Essentially, if you are being pure to the gentle parenting approach, you are taking a leadership stance to your parenting style rather than an authoritarian or indeed permissive approach, as the word ‘gentle’ might suggest.”The point, both experts agree, is to enforce the limits we know children need in a way that doesn’t completely dismiss your child’s feelings. “It asks the adult to be the most regulated person in the room,” Davidson put it.“To see the child’s behaviour not as defiance, but as communication. To pause long enough to ask: what is the need underneath this behaviour?”That’s all well and good, but what am I meant to do when my kid’s misbehaving?Staying regulated when your child is testing your nerves is a significant challenge, Davidson explained, but she feels it’s a worthwhile one. It doesn’t mean there are no consequences, or that behaviour is excused, however.“It means the adult holds the limit while also holding the child in their care,” she said. “Boundaries are still set, but they’re set with empathy and without punishment.“This might look like removing a toy that’s being thrown or insisting on leaving the park when it’s time – not with anger or lectures, but with calm resolve. The boundary stays intact, and so does the relationship.” Dr Telford said that sticking to your boundaries while also validating and keeping room for your child’s feelings can make them better at choosing the right behaviour off their own back, giving them a sense of ownership over their actions that might be missing under a more authoritarian parenting style. This teaches them that limits are a normal part of life, and “that their feelings are welcome, but that feelings don’t give them a pass on hurting others or breaking rules,” Davidson continued. “Gentle parenting and boundaries don’t exist at opposite ends of a spectrum. In fact, boundaries are an essential part of the gentle parenting approach. They give children something solid to push against as they learn and grow – not to break them down, but to build them up, hold and understand them all the while.”Related...'New Parenting Fear Unlocked': Mum Opens Up About 'Violating' Incident At Indoor PlaygroundI’m A Family Therapist – This Is How To React When Kids Ask 'Why?' For The Millionth TimeCan This 'Robot' Parenting Technique Get Kids To Sleep (And Actually Stay In Bed)?

Comments

Breaking news

Owners of remote Scottish island announce 'bold' rewilding plans

“Lights Out in Madrid, Lights On in Motherwell: How Scotland’s Solar Revolution Is Protecting Its Citizens From the Next Big Grid Failure”

about 2 hours ago

NHL players are all about pregame routine, whether it's naps, walking the dog or eating same meal

Comments

Similar News

I Wish I’d Known This About 'Gentle Parenting' Before I Used It With My Son

Succession star Brian Cox reveals he smokes cannabis to 'unwind' after a day on stage, saying he has 'a gentle spliff'

Dog Told 'Be Gentle' With Mozzarella Stick—Hysterics at Result

‘Gentle’ schoolboy, 15, hit and killed by car outside McDonald’s is pictured – as man, 35, arrested for ‘drug driving’

Tributes to ‘kind & gentle’ boy, 16, stabbed to death in busy high street as man, 20, charged with murder

Joy at Gentle Dog Who Has 'Never' Bared His Teeth—Then He Falls Asleep

Tributes paid to 'kind and gentle' fatal crash victim who died in third family tragedy

Breaking news

Owners of remote Scottish island announce 'bold' rewilding plans

Cycling retreat for women launches in the Highlands

Major Glasgow employer to ban trans women from using female toilets

Moment Sycamore Gap tree is ‘felled by two friends’ shown to court

Porn star ‘murdered couple, froze remains then took them to Clifton Suspension Bridge’

Paedophile scout leader who bragged about life on the run jailed for 46 years

With prices like these, a menu overseen by Michel Roux Jr brings little to the party

Does the Scottish Child Payment work and how much would the £40 increase cost?

‘Lovely and peaceful’ man stabbed to death after ‘clash with neighbour’

Major cyber-attack against Co-op so big they’ve hit the big red button on IT

Long traffic delays on M25 after three lorries crash on motorway

Virginia Giuffre’s heartbreaking final letter released by her family

“Lights Out in Madrid, Lights On in Motherwell: How Scotland’s Solar Revolution Is Protecting Its Citizens From the Next Big Grid Failure”

NHL players are all about pregame routine, whether it's naps, walking the dog or eating same meal

Gas explosion, arson ruled out as causes of northern China restaurant fire that killed 22, injured 3

Who is Angelo Becciu? Disgraced cardinal withdraws from papal conclave

Who could be the new Pope? The cardinals who might become the next head of the Catholic Church

Pope Francis’s final moments revealed: How doctor knew he was gone, and his last regret

Taylor Wimpey sees lower profit margins amid return of inflation

The epicenter of an explosion at an Iranian port is tied to a charity overseen by its supreme leader

How to prepare in case of a nationwide power cut in the UK

What happens after Pope Francis’ funeral – how the Conclave to select his successor will work

Santander UK profits fall as bank lowers economic growth outlook

Sycamore Gap: Moment police see felled 150-year-old tree for the first time

Onshore GDP shrunk 0.2% in February, figures show

Israel says it carried out operation against gunmen attacking Druze fighters in Syria

Watch live: Keir Starmer grilled in parliament ahead of crunch local elections

Supreme Court hears arguments over publicly funded Catholic charter school in Oklahoma

Two-year-old girl marooned in foster care in U.S. after parents deported to countries 1,500 miles apart

Barclays bank to block trans women from using female toilets

Aberdeen assets contract as clients withdraw more than £5bn

Why this US zoo is feeding a baby vulture with a hand puppet

Cardinals thank Cardinal Becciu for stepping back from conclave

Tony Blair U-turns on net zero criticism and insists Labour approach ‘is the right one’

Archaeologists unearth lucky penis pendant near Hadrian’s Wall

Breaking News newsletter: Be the first to know about the biggest stories of the day with our email alerts

Breakthrough urine test could soon be used to detect one of the most common forms of cancer

Rogue woodpecker terrorizes village and smashes dozens of car mirrors and windows

Man murdered couple before freezing remains and dumping bodies in suitcase on Bristol bridge, court hears

Mountain rescue experts join search for escaped wallaby in Dumfries and Galloway

Former SNP Justice Secretary defends Kneecap over 'kill your local MP' comments

Sky flash sale cuts TV and Netflix pack with double broadband speed to record low price

'Eunuch maker' used human testicles in salad and froze own leg to need amputation

Met Office explains how hot it will get this week as Scots gear up for record sunshine

Post Office confirms delay to opening of replacement branch in Motherwell

Drivers urged to revisit Highway Code as important road sign 'often misread'

Major changes to Scotland bank holidays announced for 2026 and 2027

Solar storm warning over risk of nuclear disaster 'worse than Chernobyl'

Professor warns of earliest signs of 'Stage 0' cancer often overlooked by GPs

Next wins 18-year fight to open new store at Dumfries retail park

Pro-Palestine activists vandalise Glasgow factory over 'Israel links'

Mastermind behind extreme body modification ring loses sentence appeal

Why many people in Vietnam now have a positive view of Americans 50 years after the war

Britain's Got Talent slapped with Ofcom complaints over grim act 'unsuitable for children'

Meghan Markle shares glimpse of family garden as Prince Harry giggles behind camera

HMRC issues warning to unmarried couples over risk of huge tax bill

Virginia Giuffre's final letter released as family vows her voice 'won't be silenced'

Hay fever alert as UKHSA warns of 'very high' pollen levels this week

Backlash over Tony Blair's net zero swipe as ex-PM accused of 'talking nonsense'

When Manchester Airport asked if he'd packed the suitcase himself, he said 'no'