'He No Longer Wants Kids And I Feel Betrayed'

These days, the topic of whether or not you want kids comes up pretty early in the relationship – with some even specifying it on their dating profiles. It’s wise to have the babies chat fairly early on, so you can figure out if you align and ultimately share the same goals.If you want kids and the person you’re dating and potentially getting serious with doesn’t, then it might be in everyone’s best interest to politely go your separate ways sooner rather than later.But it seems that even if you both align on wanting children, that doesn’t mean either of you are immune to changing your mind.Case in point: a 41-year-old has taken to Mumsnet to share that her fiancé, who is 39, no longer wants kids.The poster, called Lizzielost, said from the very start, they both wanted children. “We’ve had so many conversations about it that it was never really considered to be an issue,” she added. That was, until last year.The Mumsnet user said her fiancé, who she’s been with for eight years, has “been through some difficult times” in the past couple of years, including grieving the loss of a parent.“Now that we are finally in a position where we have some security to try for a child (as my age is already against me somewhat) he has decided that he no longer wants a child,” she added.The frustrated 41-year-old said her fiancé didn’t tell her “outright” for some time.“If he had told me properly about his change of heart then I would not have bought the house with him,” she added, saying that things have “come to a head” in the past few days and she’s told her fiancé they need to split up.“I just can’t keep being dragged down by this baby thing as it is taking over mylife and I’m beginning to hate him for it. It is, to me, a point of fundamental incompatibility and I feel betrayed,” she said. She then questioned if they should attend counselling or whether the relationship is “dead in the water now”. She added: “I just don’t know what to do at the moment. Has anyone got any thoughts on this please?”What can people in this situation do?First of all, Counselling Directory member Lisa Bruton recommends the original poster (OP) considers what she wants to do about her wish to become a mother.“There are a number of routes she can take, including fertility testing and research around sperm donations, and these are intense endeavours, that require time, resources and support,” said the therapist.Sit down with your partner and properly hash it outAnita Chlipala, a licensed marriage and family therapist, told Verywell Mind that when one partner changes their mind about having children, it can result in a breach of trust.She said it can be helpful to explore each person’s level of assuredness in this situation – is it that they’re not really sure, or is it that they definitely do not want children?She advises people to avoid asking why their partner doesn’t want kids and instead to focus on how they came to that decision – be curious but without prompting your partner to get defensive.Lisa Bruton suggests there are questions for the couple to sit down and look at together – and she asks how they came to the decision to buy a house, which is also a significant commitment.“Often we think that when it involves children a person needs to feel 100% in either direction – either that they do want to try, or that they don’t – and yet many people may feel ambivalent about these choices, and that doesn’t mean they can’t take any action.”She said a really useful discussion for couples to have is around their hopes and fears around trying for children. Consider: what are you afraid of? What are you drawn towards? What are the losses and gains you associate with becoming parents?Drill down into the nitty gritty: what are the financial implications of having children? How do you both envisage childcare arrangements? What thoughts do you have around discipline and education?“Ideally they are able to be open to each other and communicate as honestly and vulnerably as they can,” she said.“Some people might like to do this through writing, or in a mediated space like therapy, or with someone from a shared faith group or trusted family member.”You might want to do this in a couple of stagesBruton recommends having a first conversation and then agreeing to revisit it in a week or two, “agreeing together a point at which a final decision will be made”.Lastly, she said “it is worth having compassion for yourself and your partner in this process”.“It is not easy to have these conversations together ... The most important thing is to try and get clear enough, in your own mind, of your own desires and use those as a guiding light to have these complicated conversations and decisions.”When to call it a dayAccording to Verywell Mind, if one partner definitely wants kids and the other doesn’t; if there is no space for compromise; if the topic is causing significant mental distress; or if no decision is made by the date/time you’ve agreed to make a final decision on the matter, it might be time to break up. Related...3 Signs Adults With Undiagnosed Autism Often Notice In Their RelationshipsA New Study Has Revealed The 2 Crucial Stages Of A Relationship EndingIs 'Micromance' The Key To Happiness In Relationships?

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