'Help! Devices Are Destroying My Kids And My Marriage'

A dad has opened up about how he and his wife are not on the same page regarding device use in their household and, in his own words, “it’s cutting into our marriage”.The father of three children aged six, nine, and 11, explained on Reddit that his eldest child is autistic with a severe cognitive disability, and because of this he has “grown up with media at all times”.“He cannot do anything without having his media or iPad anymore. It’s mostly stuff like Roblox, Minecraft, and watching YouTube videos of these things,” said the parent.The issue is, his younger siblings see this – and naturally, they want the same.The parent said his wife, who works part-time, allows their children “unrestricted time on their iPads” and “they will use these devices the minute they get up and it causes all sorts of getting ready for school issues as you can imagine”.And when his children come home from school, they are on their screens “until the minute they go to bed,” he claimed.“I’m at my wits end. I’m failing as a parent. I know what I need to do, but it isn’t my willpower that’s in the way – it’s my wife,” said the parent.“At times she’ll recognise the issue, but she has no willpower to deal with the whining and screaming that accompany the loss of any devices.”Therapists say this is a common issue facing familiesFor Debbie Keenan, senior accredited BACP counsellor and psychotherapist, the dilemma is not just rooted in device usage, “but in deeper issues around balance, being present, emotional labour, and how families adapt (or fail to adapt) to the pressures of modern digital life”.She told HuffPost UK it sounds like the mother and children are in “automatic mode”, where behaviours “are shaped by short-term ease rather than long-term values”. “Devices are incredibly effective at hijacking this process: they provide immediate relief, predictability, and control, especially when life feels overwhelming,” she explained.“For your wife, whose days are shaped by the unpredictability of caregiving (especially for a child with significant needs), the devices may feel like her only reliable parenting tool.”But there is a cost, said the therapist, and that is digital burnout on a family-wide scale. This doesn’t always look like being overwhelmed. It can look like disconnection, said Keenan, “from our bodies, from relationships, from the moment we’re in”.So what’s the solution?Counselling Directory member Michelle Green advised reframing the problem as a collective team issue, not an individual disagreement. Set aside some time that will be low stress to discuss the situation, rather than in the middle of a disagreement.“It can be helpful to try and avoid blame,” she added. “Try and focus on your worries about outcomes, not behaviour.”Kemi Omijeh, a BACP registered child and adolescent therapist, said parents should “take the time to have an understanding of where the other parent is coming from”.For instance, she said: “The father’s frustration is real and it’s important to acknowledge that. His concern about device overuse is valid.” And on the other side of the coin: “Mum sounds overwhelmed, allowing screens overuse helps manage her load.”It’s all about finding a compromise and being aligned on parenting decisions, otherwise it can confuse and impact children if they are met with mixed messages. “Both parents need to sit together and identify their concerns and struggles and come up with a family agreement around screen use,” said Omijeh.“Dad can approach the conversation gently by saying ‘Can we work together on a small plan, so neither of us feels like the bad guy?’.”Focus on feelings, rather than devices, Keenan suggested. Talk about “your sadness, your fear, your desire to reconnect with your family”.“Lead with vulnerability, not strategy. People respond more to ‘I miss us’ than to ‘We need screen limits’,” she added. Make a plan and create a family ‘agreement’Decide how much time a day your children can have on screens and stick to it – let them decide how and when they use it, so they can learn to self-assess and self-regulate their own screen use, said Omijeh.You could also adopt other rules, like no devices before school – this might involve locking away or removing devices overnight. The parents could set this as a family rule, so not just for the kids. The therapist also recommended instigating device-free zones, such as in bedrooms, and at the dinner table. Keenan said it might help to implement small, consistent routines and build up from there – this could look like “no devices until after morning routines and 30 minutes of outdoor time” or “weekend tech-free zones”.Counsellor Michelle Green advised couples to consider how these changes can be implemented with a positive goal, so you could reframe the use of tech as the reward, rather than the norm.For example, “an iPad can be used once you are ready for school for X amount of time”, or “you can use it after we’ve been to the park for some outdoor fun”. “Once you have discussed some ideas as a couple, it can be helpful to do [this] with the family and create an agreement,” she added. “Involve the kids in building the agreement – it increases buy-in and gives them a sense of control.”To fill the tech void, Omijeh encourages families to try fun offline activities like board games, short outdoor walks and fun challenges. “Lego competitions, cooking together – use their competitive element from Roblox and other games and channel into something creative and fun,” she advised.And if all else fails, don’t be afraid to seek outside help from a family therapist.Related...I Work With Teens – Banning Smartphones In Schools Isn't EnoughI Haven't Given My 12-Year-Old A Smartphone. After Reading This I Hope You Won't EitherEverything We Believe About Kids And Phones Might Be Wrong, Study Finds

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