I Don't Have Time For My Friends. What Can I Do?

Woman exhaustedI don’t know if “hypocrite” is exactly the right word, but I’m definitely proof that knowing better does not always mean doing better.For instance, I know how bad it is to check your clock and doom-scroll after waking up at 3am. And yet I still do it: my insomnia persists.I’m also well aware that close, healthy relationships with other people are key to living a longer and healthier life. Having great mates can even lower your risk of dementia.So why do I have 14 unread texts at the moment, and how come the idea of dragging my weary bones to an after-work event has made me sob in the past?I love my friends, but if I’m honest, I am too exhausted by life and its endless admin to make plans as much as I’d like to.This is not fair of me, and I feel awful about it, but it seems to be a common concern: a 2024 study found that less than half of us spend as much time as we’d like with our mates, which makes sense since we hang out under half the amount we used to 10 years ago.And, per Dating.com, Google searches for “don’t have time for friends” have jumped +163% this month.If you’re in the same boat, what should you do? Here’s what Dr Uma Darji, a family doctor, and Lee Thompson, co-founder of Flash Pack (a travel company that brings solo adventurers together), told us. Feeling too tired for friends is, sadly, all too common Ironically, you are not alone in feeling too fatigued to hang out.Dr Darji admitted, “When you’re juggling work, family, and the daily chaos of adult life, friendship can start to feel like another item on your to-do list. I see this all the time in my patients, and honestly, I’ve felt it too.“The truth is that mental and emotional exhaustion don’t just make us tired, but they also make us withdraw. Although catching up with a friend should feel energising, it can feel overwhelming when your brain is in survival mode.” Thompson, meanwhile, said that he spent much of his 30s neglecting his friendships for the sake of his business.“By the time I hit my 40s, the impact hit me hard – I felt long stretches of loneliness because I hadn’t nurtured the friendships that really mattered,” he shared. Interestingly, both told me that some degree of letting go is crucial if you want to rebuild your friendships. Dr Darji said you should try as hard as you can to release any guilt you might feel. “You’re not a bad friend for being tired. Adult friendships don’t have to look like they did in college,” she said.“What matters most is staying emotionally connected, not necessarily seeing each other constantly.”Thompson stated, “I’ve learned that friendship doesn’t need to be complicated.” He began lowering the expectations he had for himself and his friends, and has been much happier since. How can I maintain friendships when I’m exhausted?Like Thompson, Dr Darji said remodelling your social expectations to fit your adult life is key.“I suggest adjusting expectations. If you aren’t up for a long dinner, try to engage with a short voice note or quick meme exchange to keep the lines of communication and connection alive without draining you,” she stated.“Try to combine social time with activities you already do, such as walking with a friend while kids play or catching up while shopping for groceries, calling a friend when driving.“Be honest with your friends, you don’t have to pretend that you can do it all.” Thompson makes an important point, though; once you have adjusted your expectations to fit what is possible for you, stick to your new rules.The business co-founder says he puts “one dinner in the diary every month with my closest friends, and we never cancel.“It’s the most important meeting I have all month because it energises me, helps me feel seen, inspires me and gives me space to breathe outside work and family life.” While it might sound exhausting, the two experts told me, the payoff is definitely worth it. “Connecting with others is essential to our emotional well-being,” Dr Darji explained.“A short interaction can refill our cups in ways that only rest can’t... always remember that.” Thompson, meanwhile, called it a “small investment that pays off massively for your mental health and happiness”.Related...'How Do I Tell Other Parents I Don't Want To Be Friends With Them?'Here's How Often Science Says You Should See Your FriendsNo, I’m Not ‘Using’ My Chronic Illness To Get Out Of Socialising

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