'I Feel Like A Married Single Father At Night. My Wife Blames Me'

Father parenting on his ownThough you might think sleeping separately from your partner spells doom for your relationship, fans of the ‘Scandinavian method’ – which involves using a separate duvet from your partner – might disagree.Some research suggests that up to one in three couples sleep in different beds entirely, too. But what about pairs who don’t mind kipping together, but have completely different bedtimes? After all, we all have different chronotypes.That’s part of the issue Redditor u/dreamsynth wrote to r/AITAH (Am I The Asshole Here) about. He says his wife goes to bed at 6pm and wakes up at 6am, while his sleep schedule is about 11pm-7am. We asked relationship therapist and author at Passionerad, Sofie Roos, about the mismatch.The original poster (“OP”) says he feels like a “single father” at nightThe father said his wife and he do roughly the same amount of housework; she cooks dinner, he brings their daughter to various activities, and in general, that balance is “not a problem”. What is more of an issue for OP, though, is his wife’s early bedtime. “Every day, without exception,” she goes to bed at 6pm and begins watching movies on her phone, he said. “I ‘do’ the evenings... I clean up the house, [do the] dishes, [and help] the kids when they need something,” he added. “I am upset because she’s just not present. I feel like a single father in the evenings. And I believe the children need both parents present at night. Not supervising. Just present.” He’s brought this up with his wife before, he stated, suggesting she watch her movies in the living room instead. That’s not just because he feels like he’s on his own with their children; he also needs “15 mins of her time to connect and not co-parent as roommates.” OP ended the post, “She refuses to budge and tells me it’s because of my bad parenting style” (she apparently claims he’s “hopeless” and not structured enough to take care of them on his own, which she reckons is why he’s upset).Mismatched bedtimes are common, but that doesn’t mean they’re always ‘no big deal’Though this is an extreme case, Roos said: “Having mismatched bedtimes is one of the most common struggles couples face – and it’s completely normal, until it causes you to live parallel lives.” Sometimes, she said, it can create an imbalance of responsibility, especially for childcare and housework. This is “unfair”. The best way to approach the problem is to address the core issue directly with your partner, Roos advised. Make sure you don’t lead with accusations or defensiveness; don’t “approach it in a ‘this is wrong’ way, but rather let them know how it affects you: that it makes you miss them, feel a longing for emotional and physical intimacy, and that you feel alone.” Through discussion, you ought to be able to work out the source of the disconnect, be it natural body clock differences or deeper relationship issues.One solution might be to follow your partner’s bedtime one night and yours the other, alternating throughout the week, Roos advised. Another approach is to “try to get that ‘going to bed together moment’ sometime else during the day by creating rituals, such as having shared dinner followed by snuggling”.Whatever the cause, though, the therapist told us: “at the end of the day, it’s not about if you go to bed together or not, but that you prioritise each other and that you’re interested in each other’s needs.“If that will is gone from your partner, you should consider leaving them, because then your relationship [has] a much bigger underlying problem.” Related...My Husband Told Me He Couldn't Be Married Anymore – So I Made A Decision I've Kept Secret For 12 Years'My Husband Won't Call Our Grandchild By His Real Name''My Mother-In-Law Huffed At Me For Breastfeeding. Was My Reaction Unfair?'

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