'I Refused To Do A Favour For My Sister-In-Law's Wedding. Was I Unfair?'

A couple cutting a wedding cakeDon’t get me wrong, I love a good wedding. But I’d be lying if I said I’ve never rolled my eyes at the cost of it all – apparently 2025 couples are expected to drop, on average, £25,625 on the big day.That hefty fee can include hundreds on cake, thousands on a photographer, and triple digits on something as seemingly small as invites.So it makes sense that some beleaguered beaus turn to their talented friends for free or discounted help during their time of financial pain. That’s what happened to aptly-named Redditor silweddingcake, who asked members of r/AITAH (Am I The Asshole Here) whether she was wrong to turn her sister-in-law’s request down. So, we spoke to etiquette expert and founder of Etiquette Expert, Jo Hayes, about how to handle requests like these from hopeful fiancés.The original poster (OP) is a professional bakerThe poster shared that she runs a bakery “that I’ve built from the ground up during the past five years”.The 29-year-old said she started doing it as a hobby, but has since built up a strong client base and regularly bakes for weddings and birthdays. “This is my livelihood,” she wrote.Her wife’s older sister, with whom she said she’s “friendly”, but not close, recently asked OP to bake her wedding cake. Historically, however, the bride-to-be has “made comments like, ‘it must be nice getting to play in the kitchen all day,’ or, ‘you’re lucky people will pay for something they could probably learn on YouTube’” to the poster.So when she called the baker to agree on an elaborate “four-tier cake with smooth buttercream, floral piping, and real flowers on top and cascading down one side,” free delivery inclusive, the poster was a little hurt that she expected it for free. The professional shared that she could offer the cake for a discounted price or get the bride something off her registry instead, but refused to make cakes for free “because of how much time and work they take.” Her sister-in-law has since accused her of trying to “profit off her happiness,” and the baker’s mother-in-law has called her, trying to “smooth” the situation over. “My wife is completely on my side and has told her mom to stop trying to smooth things over at my expense, but even she admitted she sorta wishes I’d just said yes to avoid the fallout,” the poster added.“There are many reasons why someone would not be happy to do this”Hayes tells HuffPost UK that the baker’s reaction makes sense. One possible consequence of saying “yes” to this bride, she adds, “would be that they end up being the ‘go to’ free florist/photographer/DJ for all their friends and family, which isn’t fun or fair.” “That’s a lot of time, energy and financial sacrifice.” Additionally, she continues, working for free on a loved one’s wedding day means you can’t enjoy the event as a guest. “If, say, wedding photography is their job, it’s very likely they would want to attend the occasional wedding, and not be in ‘work mode’. That’s fair.” To turn an expectant friend or family member’s request down, Hayes advises, “Kindly, calmly, but clearly, explain to the bride/groom/couple that you’re not in a position to do the flowers/photos/music for free (or, perhaps, at all – even paid).”Offering a 25%-ish discount on your services as a wedding gift may be a welcome middle ground if you’re happy to do the job, she continues.But ultimately, the etiquette pro writes, “In terms of etiquette and protocol, the onus is on the bridal couple to avoid putting such a friend/family member in such an awkward situation to begin with.“It’s fine to ask the question, as long as it’s done with courtesy and respect. But one should pose the question in such a way as to put zero pressure on the other to say yes.”Related...'I Stopped Doing Chores After 1 Comment From My Boyfriend's Mum. Was I Wrong?''I Ruined My Boyfriend's Mum's Birthday After 1 Comment. Was I Wrong?''Gentle Parenting Turned My Kid Into An A**hole. Am I Doing It Wrong?'

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