'I Stopped Doing Chores After 1 Comment From My Boyfriend's Mum. Was I Wrong?'
Overflowing laundry basketThough attitudes towards gender roles have changed since the ’80s, responses to a 2023 British Social Attitudes Survey suggest our actions have not. Though only 9% agreed with the statement “a man’s job is to earn money and a woman’s to look after the home,” 65% of women said they do more than their fair share of housework.Redditor u/avabeast counts herself among them. In a recent post shared to r/AITAH (Am I The Asshole Here), the site user said: “We both work full-time, but I also cook, clean, do laundry, grocery shop, handle bills, take care of our cat.” Following a comment from her partner’s mother, though, she’s stopped doing all that ― so we spoke to Dr Mosun, a consultant psychiatrist at Cassiobury Court, about how to handle your partner using their parent as “backup.” The poster has been with her partner for three years The couple have been together for three years and have lived together for one, the original poster (OP) said. While she says she does all of the housework, OP adds: “He’ll sometimes take out the trash or wash a dish, but that’s about it. I’ve brought it up before, and he says he’ll try to do more but never really follows through.” Last week, she went to dinner with his family. She says that “out of nowhere” his mother asked her: “So, what do you actually do around the house? [Boyfriend’s name] says you’re not really the domestic type.”The poster, who was taken aback, replied, “Well, if by ‘not domestic’ you mean I do everything, then sure.” Since then, her boyfriend has apologised, claiming the comment was “a joke.” Still, she has gone on a sort of laundry strike. When he called her out on the growing pile of laundry, she retorted: “I thought you said I don’t do anything around the house, so I figured I’d live up to the label.”“It is quite understandable that this scenario would provoke strong feelings”Dr Mosun tells us that the poster’s reaction and feelings of hurt make total sense. “In adult romantic relationships, introducing a parent as a form of backup (especially in moments of conflict) is generally very unhelpful and can be emotionally undermining for the partner on the receiving end,” she says. “It risks what we call triangulation, which is where a third party is drawn into a dynamic that really should be managed between the couple themselves.”Dr Mosun stresses the importance of “healthy boundaries” among adult couples. “If your partner brings in a parent to complain about you, especially without your knowledge or consent, it’s not just about the immediate issue, it’s about communication, respect, and emotional safety.“You have every right to feel hurt or dismissed, and it’s perfectly appropriate to set a boundary by saying you would prefer if you talked about the issues between yourselves first.” Additionally, the psychiatrist tells us, arguments about household chores commonly mask deeper issues in a relationship “such as feeling undervalued or unheard or emotionally unsupported.“If this becomes a pattern, it may be time to seek help from a relationship therapist, not to punish the behaviour, but to better understand the emotional context behind it,” she advises.Related...'My Wife Wants Me To Become A Stay-At-Home-Dad. Are My Financial Terms Fair?''I Ruined My Boyfriend's Mum's Birthday After 1 Comment. Was I Wrong?''Gentle Parenting Turned My Kid Into An A**hole. Am I Doing It Wrong?'
