'I Told My Husband He Ruined Our Kid's Birthday. Did I Overreact?'

Kids' birthday partyGrowing up, birthday parties were a big deal; our table would creak under cheese and pineapple sticks and cold pizza (which I still consider elite). That’s partly because the special day was always a double bill in our home. I’m one of two sets of twins, and personally, I liked that not all of the attention was on me alone. But Redditor u/Inside_Bunch_2890 is struggling with a slightly different problem. Posting to r/AITAH (Am I The Asshole Here), the mother asked: “AITAH for not letting my husband relight my daughter’s birthday candles for my three-year-old to blow out?” So, we asked experts whether it’s ever a good idea to let children who weren’t born on the same day “share” birthdays. The original poster (OP) worries her son will become “spoiled” Recently, OP’s daughter celebrated her 10th birthday. And while the mother was excited for the event, she was conscious of “stories where spoiled kids have blown out other kids’ candles or thrown a fit when they’re not allowed to.”So, she was careful to make clear to her three-year-old that her daughter’s special day was just that: a celebration for her, and nobody else. “I had explained to him all throughout the day that it was his sister’s birthday, not his, so he had to wait for the cake,” she shared.“We lit the candles, sang happy birthday, and she blew out the candles.” But when they were blown out, OP’s husband tried to relight the candles so their son could blow them out too. She worries her response – “NO. It’s my daughter’s birthday, and I refuse to allow my son to be one of those spoiled kids who can’t understand it’s not their day” – was a little harsh in the moment. Still, she says, “I just didn’t want my daughter to feel like she had to share her day or that it wasn’t all about her.” Childhood birthday parties stick in kids’ memoriesPsychologist Dr Ayesha Ludhani told HuffPost UK that “Birthdays are symbolic in childhood. They’re not just about cake and candles; they serve as milestones in a child’s sense of identity and autonomy.” It can understandably create sibling rivalries and resentments, she said. But, she stressed, “Children don’t always need equal treatment, they need fair treatment. There’s a difference.“Fairness often means giving each child what they need when they need it, not always replicating the same gesture for everyone.” In this case, re-lighting the candles might have provided temporary relief. “But the cost of doing so might be missed opportunities to teach emotional resilience and empathy,” the therapist says.“It’s healthy for a child to feel a bit disappointed and then learn they can tolerate that feeling. These are the earliest building blocks of emotional maturity.” Of course, the issue isn’t always “black and white” – sometimes, toddlers may not be able to understand what’s going on and might be placated by a balloon or other small gesture. Still, “In short, the mother who stood her ground about not re-lighting the candles was not being unkind – she was recognising an important developmental need,” Dr Ludhani told us.“Teaching a child that someone else’s joy doesn’t diminish their own place in the family is one of the most profound lessons we can offer them.“It’s not about excluding one child; it’s about helping them understand that they’ll have their turn. For now, they can be proud participants in someone else’s joy.”Related...'My Mother-In-Law Insulted My WFH Job. Was My Response Unfair?''I Ghosted My Friend After She Asked To Split Her Birthday Bill. Was I Unfair?'No, Parents Aren't Clocking Off At 3pm – Saying They Are Is Deeply Unhelpful

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