'I Went Through My Daughter's Phone. What I Saw Terrified Me'

There’s no escaping that most kids are going online regularly – an Ofcom report found the majority (97%) of homes with children aged 0-18 years old have access to the internet.Most go online via mobile phones (69%), as well as tablets (64%) – and while parental controls can help to keep them safe to a point, there are no guarantees.One parent recently took to Reddit to reveal they went through their teen daughter’s phone and discovered something that “terrified” them. The parent said they usually try to respect their daughter’s space and privacy, but had noticed something “felt off” about her – “she’s been really withdrawn, glued to her phone, gets defensive whenever we ask who she’s talking to,” they explained.They checked her phone when she went to go and shower, and discovered a number she was messaging “constantly”, particularly “late at night, long threads, emotionally intense stuff”.The parent said the number was “tied to a man in his late 30s”.“I feel sick. I’m scared. I haven’t told her I saw the messages. I don’t even know how to approach it without blowing up her trust forever. But this doesn’t feel safe or okay,” added the parent. “What do I do?”An online harms expert weighs inCatherine Knibbs, a child psychotherapist specialising in cybertrauma, said if a parent suspects their child might be being groomed, they need to first regulate their own emotions.“Do not blame yourself if this is happening and you missed it, as there are many perpetrators who bank on this – it helps them manipulate your child by ‘showing that you didn’t spot it because you don’t care’,” she told HuffPost UK. “This is not true!”The best thing to do is have a conversation with your child, said the author of Tech Smart Parenting.She recommended speaking about “friends online” and asking questions (“away from technology, try to tie these into your daily activities or based on news articles so your child doesn’t think you are becoming a police detective”), such as: How do they know someone is trustworthy and real, or has ulterior motives online?How could they check out who a person is?Do they know how to search online to double check the credentials of people they are interacting with?Why would someone lie online?Do they know how to report people to the platforms? (And do you?)What might be a sign that the person is a bot, AI or a fibber?Why might someone want to trick them or persuade them into sending money, pictures or videos? “Always start with conversations and be prepared for your child to tell you they hate you, won’t let you take the device to check, [and to] turn off parental controls (if they are being manipulated),” she said.“This is about stopping you stopping the contact. They may believe they are in a relationship and that ‘you don’t get it’.”She advises contacting the police, taking screengrabs/screenshots and evidence where you can, and reporting to social media platforms. “If intimate images have been shared use Take It Down service (NCMEC) and follow their guidance online about what to do with the device/platform where it occurred,” she added.“Be prepared for some turbulence with your child – they are not to blame but may well have been told that you don’t love them, or you don’t care.”Be prepared for some difficult conversations and emotions during this time. “Weather the storm,” added Knibbs. “Seek professional help for your child (mental health services) and also be prepped that you may need it too. Reach out to friends and family for support.”Signs of grooming in children and teensSome of the signs of grooming that parents can be aware of, according to Knibbs, include: A change in behaviour towards you, others and or the device they use.Gifts that are unexplained (which can include money into PayPal accounts, or gift cards).Conversations about travel, relationships and even friends that “you just wouldn’t get” and perhaps even discussions about sexuality and gender.“However as a clinician and tutor in this domain, dealing with the issue for the last 15 years or so, I can say that parents and guardians often get an ‘uh-oh- something’s not right intuition’ as a sign that something has changed in your child and their behaviour,” she explained.“So trust your gut. Sometimes children receive gifts in games that could, and I mean could be, a sign of grooming, but could also be friendship gifts. It’s tricky to know the intent of people on the internet without speaking to your child about their activity and friends.”As for the parent who posted on Reddit, they shared an update after having a conversation with their daughter. “At first she was defensive and confused, but when I showed her what I found and calmly explained why I was scared, she broke down crying,” said OP (original poster).“She admitted she didn’t really know how old he was but felt special and ‘seen’. She honestly thought it was just someone who understood her.”The parent blocked the number and reported the profile and said they’ll be monitoring “more closely” from now on. There won’t be any punishments, they added, just ongoing trust-building. But they are looking into therapy “because I want her to have someone safe to talk to besides us”.Help and support:Childline - free and confidential support for young people in the UK - 0800 1111Internet Matters- resources and support to tackle grooming harmsNSPCC - advice on grooming. Contact the helpline by calling 0808 800 5000Related...Why That Cute AI Trend Isn't Worth Your Child's PrivacyI Track My Teens' Phones And Discovered Something Unexpected About Myself'It’s A World I Don’t Understand': Parents Share Fears About Raising Teens After Adolescence

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