If Your 4-Year-Old Is Having Big Emotions Over The Smallest Things, There's A Reason For That

So many people I know who are parenting four-year-olds right now seem to be experiencing some really tricky behaviour – myself included.This period looks a bit like: having meltdowns over what seems like nothing at all, exercising the word “no” a bit too liberally, and having to do everything themselves (or risk things turning nuclear).Talking from personal experience, it makes navigating the “terrible twos” and even “threenagers” seem like a walk in the park. But what’s going on? And why does it feel like your 4-year-old has seemingly had a terrifying personality transplant?Counselling Directory member Belinda Gidman-Rowse told HuffPost UK: “Developmentally, there is a lot going on for children around this age, and experimenting with the concepts of power and control are actually necessary steps in psychosocial development.“Whilst this can look messy and feel testing to us as parents, it’s not the child ‘being naughty’, it’s healthy psychological development.”The therapist said these meltdowns are signs that they are “hitting their milestones, learning to navigate life’s challenges, and are growing the interpersonal skills and emotional capacity to succeed in life”.Of course, when your child is flat-out refusing to get in the bath or ends up screaming the house down because of a niggle with their socks, it can be hard to remember that this is actually a positive developmental step. How to respond when your child’s having a momentStay calm, stay kind, stay compassionate and stay connected to your child as much as you can, Gidman-Rowse advises parents. (Easier said than done, we know.)“Practically, this looks like: keeping your tone and volume of voice low and slow, physically dropping down to be at your child’s level, focusing on them and stopping what you’re doing if safe to do so,” she said.If you’re ending up fighting your fair share of battles each day, the therapist suggested offering limited choices might be a helpful technique. So, for example, you could say something like, “you can choose A or B, which will you choose?” as this provides them with some level of control.Parenting Through Connection also recommends keeping routines consistent (to help ground children) and encouraging problem-solving so kids can help themselves a bit more when they next become frustrated.This might look like asking: “What else can we try?” or “What might help you feel better?”.Focus on yourself, tooThis period isn’t for the fainthearted and it will test the resolve of even the most patient parents. If you’re struggling to stay regulated in the more fraught moments, the therapist suggested taking some deep breaths. This also teaches your child a useful mechanism for regulating themselves. By helping children return to a state of calm, parents are helping them learn strategies to calm themselves in the long-run, too.“I like bee breathing – a simple technique where you inhale through the nose, exhale through the mouth and hum like a buzzing bee,” she said.“This activates the vagus nerve and calms the nervous system.”If you’re part of a two-parent family, it might also help to “tap in, tap out” when you feel yourself losing it. The idea is simple: when one parent notices the other is dealing with difficult behaviour from their child and is about to blow their top, they come up behind them and tap them on the shoulder.The parent is then able to leave the situation (or tap out) and the other parent steps in to try and maintain a calm environment.Dr Jordana Mortimer, from Mind and Child, said it’s an effective strategy when one parent is “overly emotional or upset” and is struggling to respond to their child’s behaviour.It might also help to take some time out for yourself, where possible, to do things you enjoy – whether that’s seeing friends, exercising or just taking some time to quietly read a book and decompress.“It’s not easy,” added Gidman-Rowse, “but remember, we don’t have to respond perfectly every time – 30% of the time is good enough.”Related...Parents Are Pondering What Led To Their Child Growing Up Well-BehavedPorn-Addicted Children Are A 'Regrettable' Reality, Therapist Says5 Signs Your Child's Food Struggles Might Be ADHD

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