I'm A Therapist – Teen Rejection Is Hard. Here's What I Want Parents To Know

There comes a point in many a parent’s life where their child grows up and simply doesn’t need them as much anymore – and if you’ve devoted over a decade to raising them, perhaps pushing all your interests to the wayside, it can be a particularly tricky adjustment period. Such is the case for one mother who took to Reddit to candidly share: “My teenage kids don’t want me.”The parent said their children aged 15 and 17 are “incredible kids” – they get good grades; are involved in the community; don’t smoke, do drugs or drink.“I try to give them everything I didn’t have. I truly think I broke the circle with them,” said the parent, alluding to how she was raised. “But they just don’t seem to want me.“My husband says that they are growing up, they don’t need me as much. In my head it means I’ve done a good job, they are able to fly without me, but my heart hurts that they don’t want to be around me as much,” she admitted.After dedicating much of her life to raising them, she is struggling with the role change. “I know it’s good, but what do we mothers do when we get to this stage? Help me understand the normalcy,” she added.Advice if you’re struggling with teen rejectionFirst up, know that you’re not alone – and it really is nothing personal. Between the ages of 10 to 19, tweens and teens experience “rapid physical, cognitive and psychosocial growth”, according to the World Health Organisation (WHO).As part of this, they can begin pushing away from their parents, which adolescent therapist Ashley Hudson said is part of a typical developmental process.“Teenagers want and subconsciously push for independence. Their biological clock ticks inside of them saying, ‘Hey! You’ve got to figure out this adulting thing, because you are going to be on your own soon’,” she explained.One commenter on the Reddit posted reiterated that the original poster’s children still love her – “this is healthy and how they become independent while still having their wonderful parents to lean on when they need to,” they said. They also recommended for the parent to make new friends (or get in touch with old ones), and rekindle hobbies they enjoy to fill the void: “Now is time to nurture some of your interests and spend time with and get to know interesting people.”Another parent who had been through a similar period admitted they started therapy as they “didn’t feel like [they] could be happy without being needed by [their] kids the way they did when they were little”.“You’re in a era of quiet role modelling,” added another commenter.“For years you were the main act in their lives and now they’re becoming their own... but don’t forget that they’re still watching. So, show them how to adult by example. Give yourself love, see friends, workout, reach personal goals. Do you!“You’re your own main act now. They will notice and it will help shape them as adults and parents. Trust me.”What a therapist says...Therapist Madeleine Kingsley, who is a member of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP), told HuffPost UK: “It’s a truth not always acknowledged that parenting teenagers is an altogether different business from raising young children.”While once you were held “in almost Olympian esteem” and considered “household royalty”, when kids reach secondary school age she noted “it can be a mighty shock to find that your crown has slipped, kicked into the long grass as your teens prefer to spend time with mates and challenge the values you’ve taught them to uphold”. She continued: “Slammed doors, monosyllabic responses, ‘floordrobes’ and apple cores under the bed… you could be forgiven for fearing that your golden child has been replaced by a surly alien who wants you physically and emotionally at arms length.”During this time, it’s normal to grieve the loss of the tucked-up-with-story stage and doubt you’ll ever be close again, said the therapist.“But take heart and know that even while you feel redundant and bereft, adolescence will pass,” she added.Keep being present and available, don’t reject them back. As parentologist Kerry Stutzman explains: “What we need to do is to keep showing up with hugs and warmth and affection and interest in them and their lives. (And yes, we can set limits if they are rude.)She added: “We need to let them push off of us. We are meant to be the sturdy springboard that they bounce off of.”They will come back around eventually... Plenty of people noted in response to the Reddit post that as teens they did distance themselves from their own parents, but as adults they often circled back and now have great relationships with them.“I was a terrible teenager to my awesome parents. When I went into adulthood and became a parent myself it clicked for me and my relationship with my parents is now very, very good. Keep being a great mum and I’m sure it’ll work out in the coming years and decades,” said one respondent.Another replied: “I’m 23 so it hasn’t been super long since I was that age and I was the same way. Once I had moved out and got to be about 19-20 I started to get closer with my mom again. I would call her everyday on my way home from work and just talk for hours. Or we would meet up for lunch/ I’d come over for dinner etc. Give it a little bit of time and they’ll want to be close again!”Hang on in there!Related...I'm A Sleep Expert – This 1 Change In Teens Can Be A 'Big Shock' For ParentsOnly 18% of Teens Would Vote Tomorrow – And We've Given Them No Reason ToTherapist Shares 5 Phrases To Use When Teens 'Talk Back'

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