Is It Possible To 'Protect Your Peace' Too Much While Dating?

“For the first time in human history, women have the social and economic opportunity to be single over settling for an emotionally lackluster relationship,” said dating coach Lily Womble.A few months ago, a video went viral in which French content creator Éros Brousson offered his take on what it’s like to date a woman who values her peace. “Some women have been single for so long, they don’t date anymore,” the 25-year-old says in the clip. “They grant you access to their peaceful little empire like a reluctant queen handing you a visitor’s badge.”“You plan a cute date, she’s thinking, ‘That sounds nice, but also, I could stay home, deep clean my apartment, do a 12-step skin care routine, order sushi, and not have to listen to a man breathe,’” he jokes. As a straight guy, he argued, you’re competing not with other men, but with a woman’s inner peace. The video touched a nerve with single women in the comments ― women are sick and tired of an algorithm-filled dating world (rightfully so) and more than satisfied on their own. The video called to mind a quote from British poet Warsan Shire that you probably saved on Pinterest at some point, if you’re a millennial: “My alone feels so good, I’ll only have you if you’re sweeter than my solitude.” It also reminded me of the still-continuing 2024 trend of women committing to going “boysober”: In other words, taking an extended break from sex and men as a form of self-care. Protecting your peace could also be shielding a fear of vulnerability or letting oneself experience the full spectrum of relational experiences.Liz Higgins, a therapist and founder of Millennial Life Counseling in Dallas“This video is hitting home for single women because, for the first time in human history, women have the social and economic opportunity to be single over settling for an emotionally lacklustre relationship,” said Lily Womble, a dating coach and author of “Thank You, More Please: A Feminist Guide to Breaking Dumb Dating Rules and Finding Love.” Women not having to settle in order to gain economic mobility is a relatively new phenomenon, Womble said. It was only 50 years ago that women first had the chance to get a credit card without her husband’s or father’s permission. Some men may have an emotional skills gap to fill before they can compete with a woman’s inner peace, the dating coach said. “My clients are now using ‘Do they go to therapy?’ as a qualifying and disqualifying question before going on a first date,” she said. “They want someone who is emotionally intelligent and working on their own growth.”We’re not here to drag men, though. Given how inhospitable, if not downright hostile, the dating climate is, it’s understandable that both women and men would want a timeout. But it also kind of makes you wonder: If we really are in the midst of a loneliness crisis, might it in part be because people are benching their desires for connection, and if that’s the case, isn’t that a tiny bit depressing?In a recent YouTube essay, Ashley Embers, a YouTuber with over 155,000 subscribers, made a broader but adjacent argument: “How Gen Z protected their peace too hard and now has no one,” she titled the video, in which she explores how individualism and the shift of our social lives online has left some of us pretty lonely.Embers points to videos that populate so many For You pages on TikTok: the kinds of videos in which young people talk about going to bed at 9, being in their “protecting [their] peace era” and claim that they “don’t owe anyone anything” and “will cut people out” with a quickness the first time someone steps out of line. Not compromising any element of yourself or your needs for the sake of being coupled is healthy, but if your goal is to one day have a relationship, eliminating yourself from the dating game probably isn’t the move, said Liz Higgins, a therapist and founder of Millennial Life Counseling in Dallas, Texas. “Protecting your peace could also be shielding a fear of vulnerability or letting oneself experience the full spectrum of relational experiences,” she said. “Even good relationships aren’t perfect, and relationships are teachers.”If your goal is to one day have a relationship, eliminating dating entirely may not be the most productive move.Higgins also thinks the aforementioned TikTok influencers can make it seem like boundaries need to be rigid and absolute.Certainly, in some cases, we need to put up clear walls when there are instances of abuse or lack of safety, she said. “But some people may close off too soon before the important work of moving through adversity, building resilience, learning to experience repair with others, can occur,” she said. “These situations are also pivotal to our mental and relational wellness; we must learn to do these things and cannot just play it safe through life.”The true power of taking a break and “protecting your peace” lies in creating space for being clear-eyed and focused on what you want and who you are, said Clare Cui, a life coach who works primarily with women.“It allows you to understand your baseline of peace, engage in deeper introspection, and truly identify what brings you happiness and joy outside of a relationship context,” Cui said. But she’s also learned personally (and through her clients) that stepping away from dating isn’t always a magic cure-all for finding peace in dating or relationships.“I found it can be a common trap many fall into, myself included, if the underlying issues aren’t addressed,” Cui said. “I initially believed that simply not dating would somehow make my problems ― poof ― vanish.” It would never actually work out that way, though, she said. “When I’d take a break, I’d feel good on my own, but the same issues and challenges would always resurface when I’d start dating again because, low and behold, ‘Hi, I’m the drama. It’s me,’” she added. “There really needs to be intentional self-reflection and awareness of our own wounds or defence mechanisms for ‘protecting your peace’ to work,” Cui said. While time alone can be beneficial, learning to navigate relationships with others is also important.Women who’ve pressed pause on dating to protect their peace share what it’s like. Jennifer Bartlett-Phelps, a 45-year-old from Indianapolis, dipped out of dating because it all felt sort of lopsided. “In my experience, men require a ton of emotional energy from women but rarely give back at the same level,” Bartlett-Phelps said.“I’m working a day job, running a business and building a YouTube channel,” she told us. “I don’t have the capacity to emotionally prop up someone who isn’t giving the same energy back.”The only con she really sees is that she may be “alone” in her golden years, but “alone” is relative ― she has plenty of single friends she foresees spending time with, a la “The Golden Girls.”“We are social creatures, so friendship is super important for most of us to thrive. But I don’t believe a romantic relationship is necessary for one to be truly happy,” she said. “I’ve been single for 10 years now and it’s the happiest I’ve ever been.” Samantha Vigneau, a 33-year-old from Detroit, said you have to ask yourself if you’re truly protecting your peace. “If you find yourself retreating from dating out of fear, insecurity or anxiety, this may be unconsciously sabotaging your dating life,” she said. Vigneau thinks you also have to toss out the reductive belief that “no good men exist” and trust that you’ll find a worthwhile match. “We attract what we believe, so I personally have this mantra of ‘there are plenty of great men out there’ and ‘the relationship that is for me will find me at the right time,’” she said.Meeting new people often leads to you reflecting on your place in the world.The only con of taking a break is how habit-forming your alone time can be, said Bruna Nessif, a 37-year-old writer and life coach from Southern California. “When your life is no longer intermingled with another, you get to call all the shots,” she said. “You don’t have to experience the triggers that can arise with dating. That can get addicting. It feels good, but it can also become a coping mechanism to bypass the unconscious fear of losing control.” Sometimes, dating feels like gazing into an unforgiving mirror, Nessif said. Meeting new people ― seeing yourself through new eyes and knowing that they’re making a value judgment on you ― often leads to you reflecting on your place in the world, and what’s actually going on internally and emotionally for you. “Sometimes, it’s just easier to not put yourself in a position to look,” she said. Nessif has found a nice, happy medium, though. She’s single but open to “pleasant surprises.” “The truth is, both men and women have been using relationships as a crutch to the pain they refuse to face within themselves, and it re-creates a cycle of harm until we decide to do something different,” she said. “I’ve learned that I can’t control other people, but I can control what I entertain and what I believe I’m worthy of.” Related...I Swipe Left On Every Man Who Uses This Word In His Dating Profile. I Finally Figured Out Why.'Leave The Mask At Home': The Neurodivergent Dating Rule I Wish I Knew SoonerTurns Out Women Like Dating Younger, Too, A New 'Major' Study Shows

Comments

Breaking news

Lorry cab plunges off bridge and leaves driver missing

Metro

Comments

Breaking news

Lorry cab plunges off bridge and leaves driver missing

Lost 300-year-old ship carrying £101,000,000 worth of treasure sunk in pirate raid discovered

‘Racist’ bonfire with migrant dummies on a boat set on fire

Guatemalan villagers lynch 5 men accused of robbing homes after earthquakes

Miami Archbishop shreds MAGA’s praise of Alligator Alcatraz amid reports of inhumane conditions: ‘Unbecoming of public officials’

Putin has played Trump ‘like a violin’ but now US president is his ‘only answer’, ex MI6 boss says

Breakfast cereal sales declined for decades before Kellogg's sale to Italian company

Court overturns ex-state attorney's mortgage fraud conviction but upholds perjury convictions

Trump administration sues California over egg prices and blames animal welfare laws

Kraft Heinz is taking the macaroni & cheese out of its ketchup business in mega-split after infamous merger

How a handful of Republicans learned to stop worrying and love the ‘Big Beautiful Bill’ after switching their votes

Jeff Bezos’ Amazon is purging workers who had status revoked under Trump: report

Voters label Democrats ‘out of touch’ and ‘weak’ in latest troubling poll ahead of 2026 midterms

Hulk Hogan’s beer at the center of new $10M lawsuit

Steve Bannon confronted over Jeffrey Epstein at MAGA event: ‘Trump has become the deep state!’

Air India crash investigation finds fuel switches cut off moments before impact

Air India crash pilots may have made 'fatal error' seconds after take off

Diogo Jota's wife and Liverpool players visit sea of tributes laid outside Anfield

Fuel to engines of Air India plane that crashed switched off moments after take-off, report finds

High power lawyer last seen with beer in hand found dead in Thai massage parlour

Ryanair flight from Mallorca descends into 'chaos' as police board plane

Inside an affordable European gem with 'cobblestone old towns' and stunning beaches

Wife of millionaire Lufthansa CEO who ran over and killed nanny, 24, says she is 'ready to cooperate' and suffering 'dismay and grief' as it emerges she 'collapsed' by the side of her SUV after tragic accident

Welcome to London... Bailiffs tearing down a migrant 'shanty town', a fatal stabbing in Knightsbridge, and the rich fleeing. Another week in our tried, tarnished and dangerous capital

Jennifer Aniston finds love again as she's seen in intimate photos with hot new lover

I watched burglars steal £1.9m of Hermes bags from my showroom in two raids caught on CCTV - while the security man just sat in his car

Louis Vuitton warning as hackers strike

ALEX BRUMMER: Neglect of UK innovation happening before our eyes

Footsie slips from record high after tariff threats

Sister of The Salt Path author's former boss tells how he was left 'heartbroken' over 'stolen' £64,000 - and that she's boycotting movie

Police charge pair, both 21, after two elderly women were killed when a suspected stolen BMW crashed into a care home

Heavily redacted Epstein flight logs undermine DoJ and Trump's 'transparency' claims and fuel cover-up claims

'All he wants to do is mouth off': GRANT TUCKER says Gregg Wallace has a lot of questions to answer in the wake of his MasterChef sacking in our new YouTube show Celebrity Confidential

Jeff Bezos shows off new hair growth after being entirely bald for more than 10 YEARS

Moment wheelchair user shocks witnesses by clinging to moving police van in 'Back To The Future'-style stunt

Wet Leg's Rhian Teasdale shows off her sculpted physique in a bikini top and hot pants as she takes to the stage at Scotland's TRNSMT Festival

Melania Trump makes rare public statement with tribute to Camp Mystic girls caught up in catastrophic Texas floods

Emma Watson and the curse of the speeding fine: Harry Potter star caught driving 38mph in a 30 zone in the same Audi that was towed away by police after night out in the pub

Liam and Noel Gallagher are hand-in-hand as they kick off first night of Oasis' hometown stint at Manchester's Heaton Park - as the city descends into chaos

EDEN CONFIDENTIAL: Mother of Lord Monson's 'devastating snub' to cancer-striker son

How Donald and Melania Trump are acting like 'newlyweds' following string of 'flirty' public displays

RAY MASSEY: Car fans flock to Goodwood Festival of Speed

Starmer's migrant plan set to be sunk before it's launched: Campaigners threaten to scupper return deal with France - as Brussels assesses whether scheme complies with EU law

Bombshell new information that suggests 'White Widow' Samantha Lewthwaite IS still alive: British mother linked to 7/7 bombings likes Beyonce and Weetabix... and may have evaded capture with £30,000 bribe

After the economy shrinks again, summer rate cut 'looks inevitable'

As M&S looks to challenge the big supermarkets, which shares should go in your trolley?

Monty Python's Eric Idle blasts 'ungrateful' co-stars for being 'miserable' making 'f***ing millions' from royalty payments - after declaring he was forced to sell his house and work past retirement age

Outrageously entitled courtroom outburst of evil son who beheaded his father and livestreamed it

'Making up for what he lost, Archer's time is now'

'Djokovic turned back time for years - but it caught up today'

Alcaraz expects to be 'pushed to limit' by Sinner

Taylor v Serrano - the rivalry that changed boxing

Son of El Chapo Pleads Guilty to Sweeping Drug Charges

Immigration Arrests in Los Angeles Spike Amid Aggressive Enforcement

Air India Plane Crash Report Says Fuel to Engines Was Cut Off

Before the Central Texas Floods, the Owners of Camp Mystic Were a Fixture

Last moments of man who ran towards plane and died after falling into jet engine

Teenager ‘lucky’ to be alive after friends bury him in sand on UK beach

Trump aide waited months to unload his TruthSocial stock. Then he sold hours before ‘Liberation Day’ tanked the markets

Police officer tackles knifeman on busy street in heroic moment that won her a bravery award