Is 'Marital Hatred' Really Normal? I Asked Experts

“What is ‘normal marital hatred’?” podcast host Tim Ferriss asked on his show recently.Therapist Terry Real, who coined the term, explained: “The essential rhythm of all relationships is harmony, disharmony, and repair... when you’re in that dark phase, you hate your partner.“That’s OK. It’s part of the deal... don’t sweat it. You can get through it.” I have to confess, though I’m not married, I’ve never once felt I hated my long-term partner. I felt a little shocked by the term, but maybe I’m missing a trick?So, I spoke to Dr Carolina Estevez, a clinical psychologist at SOBA New Jersey, and BACP-registered psychotherapist Daren Banarsë, who owns a private practice in London, about whether the term is as wild as I find it. @timferrissTherapist Terry Real on Normal Marital Hatred. (From my brand-new interview with Terry.) couples therapy♬ original sound - Tim Ferriss - Tim FerrissHatred is a strong word, but flickers of frustration are normal“You can love someone deeply and still have moments where you think, ‘Wow, you are driving me absolutely nuts right now,’” Dr Estevez said.“That doesn’t mean your relationship is falling apart – it usually just means you’re two people who spend a lot of time together and deal with life’s stress side by side.” Then, she explained: “There is also relationship OCD, where someone gets stuck obsessing over their relationship, like questioning if they love their partner or panicking when things are not perfect.” It’s very intense and can be “distressing” – you should seek expert help if you suspect you have it.Banarsë agrees that “momentary, intense frustration or anger towards a partner is surprisingly common and normal in healthy relationships,” adding he often sees couples “catastrophising” these moments. “The myth of constant marital bliss can create unrealistic expectations, where any conflict is mistaken for evidence that something is fundamentally wrong,” he added.How can I tell if my “marital hatred” is concerning?Both experts agree that flat-out, long-lasting “hatred” is a red flag. “If those negative thoughts start piling up or turning into constant resentment or emotional distance, that is when it is worth paying attention,” Dr Esteves shared.″‘Marital hatred’ – if we are talking about those occasional flashes of annoyance or ‘I need five minutes away from you’ – can be part of a normal, functioning relationship [but] when those feelings take over or go unspoken for too long, they become a problem.”For Banarsë, “the concerning threshold isn’t whether negative feelings occur, but rather their pattern, duration, and impact”.He explains: “When contempt becomes the dominant emotion, criticism outweighs appreciation, or when negative thoughts lead to emotional withdrawal lasting weeks rather than hours, these are legitimate warning signs.” So, while he wants to dispel the “myth of perpetual harmony” in marriage, he also suggested regular, overwhelming “hatred” for your spouse is not “normal”. Related...Should You Ever Cry In Front Of Your Kids? I Asked A TherapistI'm Married But Never Wanted To Have Sex. A Single Word From My Therapist Changed Everything.You Need To Talk To Your Kids About Misogyny – A Therapist Explains How

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