'Leave The Mask At Home': The Neurodivergent Dating Rule I Wish I Knew Sooner

Sara-Louise Ackrill and Bontle Senne, co-authors of The ND Lovers Club, on why dating while neurodivergent is an absolute minefield until we take a new approach.Part of why we wanted to write ‘The ND Lovers Club’ was the realisation that there was literally NOTHING out there representing our experiences as neurodivergent women trying to navigate love and lust without losing our minds. Years of spectacular failure (trust us) has taught us that our brains process dating in ways that make neurotypical advice about as useful as a broken umbrella in a storm.Neurodivergent (or ND) refers to people whose brains work differently from the statistical norm, primarily those with autism, ADHD, dyslexia, and other neurological differences – and we wrote about relationships because it’s the part of neurodivergence that’s caused us the most pain. Not the workplace challenges, not the executive function issues - the relationships. Three very ND-specific challenges fuelled 80% of this pain: Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD), Limerence (more commonly known as infatuation), and Masking. Let’s get into it.When Your Brain Convinces You Everyone Hates YouRSD is an overreaction to a perceived or actual rejection, but that clinical description doesn’t capture the mental and often physical agony of it. It’s the feeling you get when you find out that your friends went to a movie without you or that someone in the office has been giving everyone treats and didn’t give you one. It’s the way you feel desperate over an eye roll you caught someone doing in your regard. It’s the incomprehension and anger you feel when you realise your Facebook Friend blocked you. Still, it’s also more than that - it’s your brain confirming that this ‘rejection’ means you’re fundamentally unlovable, flawed and not meant to be a social being.But what are we terming as rejection in the first place? Ghosting, for example, isn’t really rejection. There are many reasons why someone might disappear or stop responding to communication. Many of them are personal to the ghoster, not the ghostee, but our ND brains will convince us that we are the problem, and we can spiral into complete emotional chaos because someone got busy with work or decided to take a break from dating. To an ND person, it’s always our fault. We should always just try harder.We’re constantly analysing every text, every pause in conversation, every facial expression, every change in atmosphere, looking for evidence that we’ve messed up again. When Crush Becomes ObsessionWhen someone does show interest, our ND brains can latch on with frightening intensity. We have a big issue with limerence - an obsessive, all-consuming romantic attraction that goes far beyond a typical crush. It is an infatuation that can become a full-blown obsession, and Neurodivergent people (Autistic, Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), and Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) are particularly at risk, with women being more likely to articulate it.We can become consumed by someone we’ve just met and spent some time with, or a stranger we saw across the street who smiled our way. We’ll construct elaborate fantasies about our future together based on the fact that they liked our social media post four months ago. Neurodivergent people like certainty, a commodity the world sometimes feels in short supply of, and where there is none, we are known for creating it, to feel a bit safer.Many types of neurodivergent people experience hyperfocus or an intense concentration that can be directed at a subject, a hobby, or a person. When hyperfocus meets limerence, then losing a job, dropping out of school, or breaking up a healthy relationship are all possible outcomes. No crush should destabilise your whole life. It’s also not something the crush ‘target’ experiences as love. If anything, it feels like Eros’ arrow went straight past you, and it’s bemusing to watch someone get in a state over you when you have never actually revealed who you are or shared any intimacy.Masking: The Ultimate Vibe KillerMasking refers to the conscious or unconscious suppression of our natural neurodivergent behaviours to appear more neurotypical. Recent research has shown it’s way more subconscious and on the survival end of things than the polite chameleon-act we do when we need a game face for the party or another long day in the office. It is most often discussed as something autistic people struggle with, but dyslexic people pretend they have no problems with reading. Dyspraxia people laugh off their embarrassment and pain as just being clumsy. OCD people go to great lengths to appear relaxed and hide their compulsions in public. People with Sensory Processing challenges will even become housebound to avoid being seen as stupid or slow, where there is a 3-second lull in conversation on their part. All of that is masking.We can’t make ourselves less ND, but on dates, we try to do exactly that. It took us decades of dating to realise that the energetic and cognitive cost of trying to be the version of ourselves we think other people want often just isn’t worth it. At the end of the day, about three dates in, when the going out wanes and the ‘hanging out’ informally sets in, they are going to know something is different about us.We are also far more likely to experience abuse such as intimate partner violence, precisely because we tend to disconnect from our bodies, our preferences, and our needs. This disconnect happens because many neurodivergent people grow up being told their perceptions are wrong. We’re constantly told we’re overreacting, too sensitive, and misreading situations. So when someone is actually manipulating or taking advantage of us, we second-guess ourselves instead of trusting our instincts. Somewhere along the line, we have to learn to stop jumping out of our own shoes to jump into everyone else’s. We need to learn to hold tight when we’re vulnerable, asking for things and expecting to receive from others.The Revelation: Stop Performing, Start FilteringHalfway through writing the ND Lovers Club, we each had a realisation. We realised we were approaching dating completely wrong. We were seeing it as a game of who we could attract and who would want to date us, rather than who we should avoid. Dating shouldn’t be a job interview. Take wearing noise-cancelling headphones on a date – the instinct is to hide them because you think you ‘need’ to impress this person, but you don’t owe them anything. You’re not there to impress them. There’s no point in pretending you don’t need your accommodations when you’re going to need them if you’re actually together.Our goal used to be getting another date, regardless of whether we actually wanted one and not getting another date felt like failure. Now, the goal is just trying to see the person for who they are, not who we want them to be, and far from winning the next date as a ‘prize’, the desired outcome is actually to filter out 99.9% of people to find the one you want.Embracing that kind of authenticity will absolutely put the brakes on your dating life if you have been using masks or other props, like alcohol, to get through the uncertainty of dating. We are not everyone’s taste, and that’s fine! We’d rather be alone than wear heels and tight clothing when all we want are comfortable shoes, ear defenders, and clothes that don’t itch, scratch, or annoy us. Being comfortable around someone is a prerequisite for being yourself with them. Understanding what helps you relax and then being able to do that with a partner is essential. Too many of us have been conditioned to believe that we must conform to certain dating norms to be worthy of love, but that’s simply not true.The right person (or people) will appreciate our intensity, our directness, and our unique way of experiencing the world. They will find our genuineness, not faking it, a privilege to be around.Leave the mask at home. Stop performing. Start filtering. Learn to love your neurodivergence, and the right person will come to love it too.Sara-Louise Ackrill and Bontle Senne are the co-authors of The ND Lovers Club: How Neurodivergent Women Lust, Like and Love, available now.Related...Your Step-by-Step Guide To Buying A House As A Neurodivergent PersonDoes Your Neurodivergent Kid Hate Their Clothing? This 11-Year-Old Boy Just Came Up With A Genius Solution'I Was 34 When I Got My ADHD Diagnosis – It Changed My Life Forever'

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