Lube Shame: Why Are We So Uncomfortable Talking About Comfortable Sex?

Lube is a necessary part of sex at times.Imagine you’re a woman in a loving relationship, mother to kids who are out of the baby phase so you’re no longer sleep-deprived, and rich enough that your house is not a daily hurricane of mess. Imagine you’re successful in your career and have the confidence which comes with age; you’re in perimenopause, but you still want to keep your identity. And you still want to have sex.Now imagine if you told people!Apparently the world can’t handle the fact that a woman over 50 still wants to have sex. Even more shocking is the fact that she wants to enjoy it.Actor Halle Berry, who has been open about her perimenopause journey and her experience of vaginal dryness, shared the new travel size of her vaginal lubricant product on Instagram this week in a Mother’s Day post with her boyfriend, Van Hunt. Naturally, the comment section exploded and the post went viral. Headlines may as well have read “Woman over 50 enjoys sex, world loses mind”.As a women’s health and sexual wellbeing advocate – I’m here to tell you that there’s nothing wrong with a little (or a lot of) lube. Vaginal dryness, vaginal atrophy and painful sex are all too common as we age and levels of the hormone oestrogen fall. In fact roughly 50% of perimenopausal women report lower libido and up to 30% poor lubrication, which can lead to painful sex. The menopause is the day when it’s been 12 months since you had your last period. The perimenopause is the time leading up to that day. The perimenopause is when all your hormones can go haywire and when symptoms like hot flushes, insomnia, mood swings, brain fog, and yes, vaginal dryness and painful sex, can occur.However, studies also show that 71% of women believe that maintaining a sex life is important. So lube is a handy tool in your toolbox to solve a very common problem, yet it’s still perceived as embarrassing.Let’s look at a male equivalent problem: erectile dysfunction. For some, potentially embarrassing, but Viagra and its alternatives are now an accepted part of a male washbag, particularly hitting middle age. I believe we should lean in to vaginal lubricants in the same way.Particularly as vaginal dryness is not just confined to the perimenopause. It can also happen at other times if we’re simply dehydrated, and in the postpartum period when hormones are in flux, you’re mind-bogglingly sleep-deprived and stress levels are high. We fetishise wet vaginas and imagine that this is simply how all sex should be. Take it from me, that isn’t always the case.Sex is messy, it’s comic, it doesn’t always go to plan. We’re not in full hair and make-up and the lighting is mostly terrible. It doesn’t always look like it does in films or in porn. In fact it rarely ever does.So if help like lube is available, take it. There’s nothing wrong with you.Seen, not heardOver 4 in 5 women (84%) feel they’ve been ignored by medical professionals, according to the government’s Women’s Health survey from 2022. Vaginal dryness can be a really easy problem to solve. But only if the information is out there and we don’t feel shame in asking for a solution. If you can’t get help from your doctor, and with words like “vagina” routinely being censored in women’s health education posts on social media, we find it hard to know how to find help.Which is why I think it’s so wonderful that women like Halle are sharing their sexual wellbeing needs more honestly, and the tools that support them. After all, we are used to seeing Richard Gere fathering kids in his 70s. Older men are having sex, why shouldn’t women?Here’s the thing. Women are trained to be idolised, not to enjoy intimacy. We’re taught to be prudish and pure rather than owning our sexuality. We’re seen as a prize, objectified through the lens of the male gaze, judged for our appearance and sexual availability…but when it comes to leaning into that sexuality, society still thinks it’s a step too far.Halle Berry owned her sexuality and the fact that she uses, and enjoys using, vaginal lubricant.She’s right to. One of the most simple and least medicalised solutions to vaginal dryness is to use a lubricant. Far from being an embarrassing product, we should learn to embrace it.My number one tip? Make sure the lube you choose is all natural or even organic so as not to cause further irritation to your sensitive vaginal and vulval tissues. Lubes which are made from petrochemicals can also upset your vaginal microbiome which can contribute to thrush, irritation or infections. At the risk of channeling too much Halle – give it a spin.Related...I Felt Pressured To Go Through Menopause In Secret. Here's What My Friend And I Are Doing Instead.Can People With Vaginas Get Boners? Everything You Need To Know About Clitoral ErectionsWhat Happens If... I Use Petroleum Jelly As Lube?

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