My Family Needs Me For Everything – And I Never Saw The Emotional Fatigue From That Coming

Even in families that aren't "traditional," mothers are still seen as the primary caregivers and emotional anchors.My text alert goes off before I’m out of the driveway. It’s been 7.9 seconds since I left my husband and son, so something must be wrong. I imagine worst-case scenarios involving beds as trampolines, sprained body parts and glitter explosions. I check my phone. It’s a message from my husband. “What should I have for lunch?” It’s 9:30 in the morning. The next text from my 11-year-old reads: “When should I start my homework?” Huh. Life-or-death — not so much. Still, the urgency behind their words doesn’t go unnoticed, and more messages fill my screen before I can finish typing my answers. Then my phone rings. My son needs help navigating a hitch in his friend group — and I haven’t even pulled out of the driveway. Welcome to my day. I’m honoured to be the go-to for my crew’s latest question or crisis, but the emotional fatigue from constantly being needed is already sitting heavy in my stomach, along with my morning coffee.If this sounds like a normal morning in your life, then you know how it feels to carry the emotional load of your family. When it comes to household responsibilities, women perform far more cognitive and emotional labour than men, the BBC reported, citing outside research. Back in 1989, sociologist Arlie Russell Hochschild first discussed the concept of emotional labor and how mothers take on the bulk of it in her book “The Second Shift.”So, why are mothers still and always riding front and center on their family’s emotional rollercoaster? When did moms become primary owners of the mental load?Moms are still seen as the primary caregivers and emotional anchors in a family, Supatra Tovar, a clinical psychologist, confirmed. “Even in families where responsibilities are more evenly divided, there’s often an unspoken expectation that mom is responsible for keeping track of and anticipating emotional needs,” Tovar said. This pattern has been culturally ingrained over generations.And women themselves carry the expectation that they should bear the family’s emotional weight. “In families, there can be an internal belief for women that this is what they should do and what’s expected of them,” said Whitney Goodman, author and licensed psychotherapist.This deeply embedded belief comes from many sources, including a person’s own parents, societal standards and social media. It guides behaviours and responses even when both parents are present.Just as the mental load of remembering and organising everything builds up when responsibilities are unbalanced, the emotional load accumulates, too. To this point, Goodman asked: “Is your partner involved in the emotional health of the family, or are you expected (or the only one) to know this should be done?” According to a recent study, mothers offered higher levels of daily care, emotional support, academic support, future planning, autonomy support, controlling parenting, and total involvement than fathers. Cue the fatigue, frustration, frenzy (and the alliteration). “What do you want to do?” became my husband’s go-to query when I was pregnant. From the first positive pee stick test, my partner let me lead emotionally. Standing in the bathroom, I remember trying to look down to see my feet over my preggo belly while my husband asked me a slew of baby-related questions. I was overwhelmed and confused as I tried to catch up with his thoughts. Why did I suddenly hold all the best answers? Because until then, we’d always problem-solved together. Born out of a need to support me and our baby, my partner stepped into a passive role — and never caught up. What was happening? Born out of a need to support me and our baby, my partner stepped into a passive role — and never caught up. What was happening? Elevating moms to “all-knowing” status is a common occurrence during pregnancy, Tovar and Goodman both said.“When someone is expecting their first child, you get a taste of this emotional pattern,” Goodman said. While this habit might begin when couples are waiting for the baby to arrive, it solidifies as time passes and becomes as much a part of the family as midnight feedings or diaper blowouts.Tovar said that when a mother is expecting, there are invisible pressures to manage not only her own emotions, but also those of her partner, her extended family, and people at her workplace. “Without conscious intervention, this pattern becomes automatic like muscle memory,” Tovar said.So how can we become more aware and set healthy emotional boundaries in our family?First, it’s important to recognise that emotional labor is labor, even if it’s unseen. “From there, it’s about giving yourself permission to step back from the belief that you must manage everything,” Tovar said. “Accepting ‘good enough’ from others is a radical act of self-care.”Set small, consistent boundaries without guilt. These can look like carving out protective time for yourself and/or allowing others to step up — even if they don’t do things exactly like you. Goodman suggested that finding ways to work with your partner within their capacity and strengths lifts the pressure for everyone. If your partner’s strong suit isn’t going to be understanding the emotional tone of your home, then what is an area in which they excel? “Are there other things you can get off of your plate that you’re not good at or aren’t the best thing for you to do, to equalise the load?” Goodman asked. And she went on to tell HuffPost it’s about partners carrying what they’re good at rather than striving for a perfect balance in all areas. Lately, when I feel myself reaching my emotional capacity, I let my family know. “Hey, just give me 15 minutes before I answer questions,” is a common phrase around our home now. Even this seemingly small amount of time is a big step. Speaking my needs out loud stops my overwhelm and resentment from creeping in, and surprisingly, the boundary is helping us all. I have the space I need to take a break from being needed, and (usually) when I come back to help, my husband and son have already solved the problem. Win and win.“You don’t have to earn your work through exhaustion, and your value is not tied to how much you can carry,” Tovar said. “Taking care of yourself models for your children what healthy, sustainable love looks like.”Related...I Moved To France To Give My Family A Better Life – Then The Cracks Started To Show'I Lied About My Baby's Name To My Whole Family. Was I Wrong?'I'm A Family Therapist, Here's Why You Should Never Say 'Stop Crying' To Kids

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