'My Teen Daughter's Pushing Me To The Edge. I Don't Know How To Parent Her'

Parenting a teen is so rewarding, but let’s not sugarcoat it: it can also be hard work. You don’t want to leave them to their own devices, but equally we know it’s important to give them more space and independence as they grow older. Sometimes, striking this balance can feel like an impossible task – especially when your child is desperate to push every boundary under the sun. One concerned mum has opened up about how her 13-year-old daughter is “pushing” her “to the edge” with her behaviour – and she’s at a loss as to how to respond.This year, her daughter has been caught sneaking out of the house in the middle of the night to hang out with older kids, and stealing “adult drinks” from the fridge. Punishments have included taking her phone away and grounding her. Fast forward to now and the parent discovered her daughter has also been caught with friends who were shoplifting. “I don’t know right now if she was just with them or did it,” she wrote on Reddit.The worried mum said she’s done “everything” she can think of to try and teach her child that this is wrong: “I won’t scream. I have cried with her with how scary sneaking out is. She’s gorgeous for 13, she doesn’t look her age. I am terrified she’ll be kidnapped into trafficking.“I have been stern with her, we have grounded her. After every punishment talk, before I let her walk away, I say ‘the most important thing out of all of this is that I love you’. I don’t know what else to do.”She continued: “She’s confident and beautiful and outgoing and I was none of those things growing up. I don’t know how to parent a kid polar opposite of me.”It’s certainly not an easy area to navigate. Virginia Sherborne, a BACP-accredited counsellor and member of Counselling Directory, notes that when toddlers start demanding to be allowed to do “grown up” things, we typically know how to keep them safe. This might look like “saying no to touching the hot stove, making sure they don’t fall in the pond, and so on”.“But when they reach the teens, it can be harder to maintain that key responsibility of keeping our child safe,” she said. “What’s OK and what isn’t? For some parents, drawing that line is easy. But for others it can be tricky.”If a parent also grew up lacking in confidence, feeling socially excluded and rarely getting into trouble, they might not have the experience of that line being drawn for them, noted the expert, so determining how to lay down the law can be 10 times harder.“Staying mindful of the difference between what a child wants and what they actually need is vital,” said Sherborne.How to deal with a teen who’s sneaking outWe know sneaking out isn’t safe, especially for young teens. Parents should emphasise this to their kids (including the specific safety issues associated with doing so) – and also talk about the consequences of what happens if they do sneak out. Will they have to do more chores? Will they be grounded? Will devices be taken away? It’s your call. Parents.com noted it’s important to give the consequences a time frame – ie. two weeks – and to be clear that if they lie to you, it breaks your trust, so you’ll be “less likely to grant them permission to do activities in the future if you can’t trust that they’re going to tell the truth and be where they say they are”. Keeping devices out of bedrooms and locked away overnight, as a rule, might help them resist temptation (not to mention, it removes the ability to organise and orchestrate a midnight escapade with their friends).Sherborne advised providing supervised activities which are age-appropriate but also “challenging, sociable and risky” – for example, rock-climbing, horse-riding or canoeing.“These feel ‘grown up’ and involve developing responsibility and mastery,” she explained.“Parents can also enhance their child’s self-esteem by labelling behaviour rather than personality. Take every chance to comment positively on good behaviour. Notice even small actions, e.g., ‘I saw you give a wave to Mrs Jones. That was kind’.”If you do put in the work acknowledging their positive behaviour, make sure you don’t neutralise it, warned the counsellor. For example, by saying something like: “Why can’t you always be thoughtful?”Sometimes, parenting courses can help to improve communication skills and help parents learn authoritative, rather than authoritarian, or permissive, parenting, noted the expert.“Above all, your teen needs a warm, connected relationship with you, held in place by firm understanding of your boundaries,” she concluded.Connection is key, as Parents noted: “Many teens who engage in negative behaviours, such as sneaking out, do so because being with their friends is more exciting than being at home. Try to have fun with your teen and connect in ways that matter to them.”Related...Teens Are Making An Unlikely Friend Online – One They Can Share Their 'Darkest, Strangest' Thoughts WithI'm A Child Psychiatrist – Don't Make This 1 Mistake When Talking To TeensI'm A Sleep Expert – This 1 Change In Teens Can Be A 'Big Shock' For Parents

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