Parents Of Autistic Children Say These Common Phrases Are Not Just Rude — They're Harmful

As the mother of a child with a neurodivergent condition, I’ve navigated my fair share of uncomfortable comments over the years.Everyone from fellow parents and family members to my son’s karate class teacher has made inconsiderate or simply ill-informed remarks about my parenting skills or my child’s perceived deficiencies. In my son’s case, the neurodivergent condition is ADHD, but another community of parents and children is subject to just as many (if not far more) comments from observers: families with children who are autistic.Parents of autistic kids warn that some of the emerging attitudes on autism aren't just off-putting, but dangerous.Recent headlines about Tylenol/paracetamol use during pregnancy potentially increasing the risk of neurological conditions such as autism (albeit with ample pushback from medical professionals) have put this community in the spotlight. But national news developments aside, the comments from outside observers, whether well-meaning or just toxic, are all too common for families who have an autistic child.“There are a whole host of misconceptions out there about what autism is and how it impacts someone’s life,” Amy Dykstra, registered psychologist and owner of Bluebird Psychology, told HuffPost. “Autism is a spectrum, but it is common for people to create a mental image of someone who is maybe nonverbal or less able to function independently.”Here are some of the most common insensitive or misinformed comments that parents of children with autism receive and why they can be so harmful (and hurtful).1. ‘She doesn’t look autistic.’This is an all too common comment heard by Whitney Casares, MD, a paediatrician, author of “My One-of-a-Kind Body,” and a parent to a 12-year-old daughter who has autism.“My daughter is a Level 1 autistic child, so she doesn’t have a different look per se, but it’s so important to remember autism is not a look,” said Casares. “This type of comment invalidates the diagnoses for the family. And it makes families and moms like me feel they have to prove their child’s needs,” Casares explained. “It can be hurtful because they make parents feel like others don’t believe them when they say their child is autistic. It insinuates that parents are making up an excuse for their child’s needs or behaviours.”2. “I know my kid doesn’t have issues like yours…”Often delivered with a heavy dose of pity, this comment makes the parent on the receiving end feel very “othered” and sad, said Allison Hamilton-Rohe, of Silver Spring, Maryland, who has an autistic daughter. “You would think this comment would be validating, but it just made me feel even more alone,” explained Hamilton-Rohe. “I’ve had to jettison friends, distance myself from family, and seek out those who are truly understanding, supportive and loving for both myself and my child,” Hamilton-Rohe said. “I’ve had so many awful things said to me, but I don’t hold onto them because I have had to let them go for my mental health.”3. ‘Your child is high functioning, you’re lucky.’The implication behind this particular remark is that “things could be far worse” for a child who has autism. It shows a lack of understanding of the full spectrum of autism.“People have a perception that autism falls into two categories: ‘high functioning’ or ‘low functioning,’” explained Polina Shkadron, MA, CCC-SLP, MSNE, CTP, ADHD-RSP, a New York City-based neurodivergent specialist and family therapist.“These terms, unfortunately, have been used in the past and have been habituated as part of a linguistic repertoire that attempts to summarise autism,” added Shkadron. “What the terms actually do is minimise struggles and hone in on challenges, rather than deeply understanding what it takes to live as an autistic individual in a neurotypical world.”4. ‘Can’t you just discipline him better?’Shenequa Brantley, a South Carolina mom whose 6-year-old son is autistic, has received this comment on more than a few occasions. “A lot of people are judgmental,” said Brantley. “They think discipline will change him, but they just don’t understand.”To help others realise what her son, Marion, is capable of, Brantley started recording videos of his therapy sessions. She often shares those videos at her workplace, where colleagues regularly talk about their children. The reaction is often amazement, followed by questions like: “He knows your phone number? He knows your name?’” added Brantley. “Showing the videos helps me share proof of his progress and success.”5. ‘Have you tried this or that detox diet?’This comment, along with many other very similar types of remarks like “Did you vaccinate your child?” or “Have you tried the gluten-free diet?” or “Have you tried to remove sugars from your child’s diet” are all commonly heard by parents of children with autism, and they all imply the same thing: that the parent must have done something wrong or must be to blame, said Kemi Babagbemi, MD, a resident in Manhattan, New York, and mother of a 14-year-old autistic son.“These are the kinds of rude questions and comments that attribute autism to something the parent has done or not done, has not tried enough to do, but ultimately implies parental blame for the autism,” explained Babagbemi, who has heard such remarks from friends, colleagues and even people that work with autistic children in various professional capacities. Before making any type of remark, outside observers should remember that there are human beings on the receiving end of such comments, said Babagbemi, who added that the onus is on the “the general population to get better educated about autism because it’s part of human neurodiversity.”“Recently there seems to be disproportionate negative attention to autism as a disease or something that needs to be cured or something that needs to be eliminated,” added Babagbemi, “which I believe is a dangerous and inhumane way to view autism.” Related...People Love To Ask Invasive Questions About My Son's Autism. These Are The Only Ones I'll AnswerWes Streeting Slams Donald Trump Over Claim Paracetamol Use Linked To AutismUK Experts Accuse Trump Of 'Fearmongering' For Linking Paracetamol And Autism

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