People Who Identify As The 'Loser Sibling' Tend To Develop These Traits As Adults
Sibling relationships are complicated, and I’m not just referring to the incestuous overtones in Season 3 of “The White Lotus.”Sometimes, one sibling can be overshadowed by their more outgoing or successful siblings, making them feel lacking. Sasha from the Netflix series “Nobody Wants This” implies this when referring to himself and a friend as the “loser siblings” of their families.Having a sibling can feel like a zero-sum game of winners and losers. And though it might seem harmless to joke about being a “loser sibling,” there are consequences that come along with internalising this label. “Childhood labels and favoritism have a huge impact on identity development and how adults continue to see themselves in the world,” said Charlynn Ruan, a licensed clinical psychologist and the founder of Thrive Psychology Group. Below, experts discuss traits that adults are likely to develop if they grew up as the “loser sibling” and how they can move past this label. People who feel invalidated by their families tend to have poor self-esteem.1. Low self-esteemPeople who feel invalidated by their families tend to have poor self-esteem. “Even though they likely have many positive personality traits and talents, they may see themselves as inferior to their sibling,” said Natalie Moore, a holistic therapist specialising in people pleasers and women navigating anxiety and trauma.Inside jokes like calling another sibling the golden child “are often a cover for something that is painfully true and harmful,” Ruan said. If one sibling is consistently favoured by their parents or peers, the others might think they’re flawed or unworthy of praise and affection. Instead of thinking, “I may not be smart or athletic, but I’m capable of other things,” the “loser sibling” might have an all-or-nothing mindset where they tell themselves “I am bad” or “I’m worthless.” 2. People pleasingIf they didn’t feel special or important to their parents or caregivers, they may expect to be treated the same way by friends, bosses or romantic partners. Since they fear rejection, they might be afraid to show initiative in choosing friends or partners who are good to them. “They will often work overtime to try to please someone to get their approval and might not consider their feelings and needs because they were invalidated as a child,” explained Ruan. People pleasers also struggle with a lack of boundaries. Rather than displaying healthy vulnerability by gradually opening up to someone, they might go on a first date and share every horrible thing that’s ever happened to them, she added.3. Feeling shameWhen conflict arises, families tend to blame the so-called “loser sibling” or pit them against other relatives. For example, a parent might project negative feelings onto a child who reminds them of their own flaws or those of an ex-partner. Because the child doesn’t know why they’re being treated unfairly, they tend to feel ashamed or inadequate. Nothing they do will ever be good enough.“These siblings often become the scapegoat or, in other words, the person in a family who is unconsciously assigned the role of expressing the symptoms of the family system,” Moore said. The scapegoated individual is often seen as a disappointment, so the rest of the family can uphold their image of happiness or success. According to research, in dysfunctional families, parents may transfer unresolved tensions in their relationship onto their relationship with their child. “Becoming the identified patient or scapegoat can manifest as substance abuse or mental health issues such as anxiety or depression.” 4. OvercompensatingBecause they feel inferior to their siblings, “loser siblings” often develop traits such as humour, creativity or likability to compensate for their perceived failings, Moore said. “These traits can appear positive from the outside, but often cause the individual internal suffering as they stem from a lack of self-worth versus a true expression of their personality,” she added.Another way they tend to overcompensate is by being a high achiever. “However, even if they become high achievers, they may still experience impostor syndrome or resentment for being labeled the ‘loser sibling,’” said Patrice Le Goy, an international psychologist and licensed marriage and family therapist. “Or they may become extremely hard on themselves and have difficulty celebrating their accomplishments or giving themselves grace.”5. Avoiding competitionChildren who grow up in the shadow of their siblings’ accomplishments may avoid pursuing their dreams as adults. They might talk themselves out of applying for a coveted job or asking for a raise. “If the ‘loser’ label extended to many or all areas of their identity, they might avoid striving for something they could lose or putting themselves in a position where they could be rejected or publicly exposed as a loser,” Ruan said. 6. Self-sabotagingThe “loser sibling” label can also become a self-fulfilling prophecy. That’s because “people tend to create an external world that matches their internal identity and seek out experiences that confirm their beliefs,” Ruan said. They might subconsciously sabotage their chances of success because they’re accustomed to failing and it gives them a sense of control over their fate. Le Goy agreed, saying that if your parents, teachers or coaches compared you unfavourably to your siblings, you may not live up to your full potential because you think you’ll never measure up in their eyes. In other words, you can’t be disappointed if you don’t try in the first place. 7. Sabotaging relationshipsIn addition to thwarting their success, “loser siblings” tend to sabotage their relationships. “Since their self-worth is so low, when someone does choose them as an adult, it makes them feel anxious and uncomfortable,” Ruan said. For example, they might cheat on their wonderful partner with someone who is less socially desirable because that’s what they feel they deserve. In addition, they might think that if their partner really got to know them as a person, they would reject them or leave the relationship. “So, they’ll hide parts of themselves or cheat on their partner with someone they subconsciously feel is closer to their self-perceived level of value,” Ruan said. 8. Engaging in social comparisonThe comparisons don’t stop at their sibling relationships. “When they engage in upward comparison by comparing themselves to people they consider more successful, they often feel dejected,” Moore said. Conversely, they gain momentary relief from engaging in downward comparison. But this sense of self-satisfaction is short-lived because nothing they do will ever measure up to their sibling.How to overcome the “loser sibling” identity.The first step toward healing is to acknowledge that these dynamics are occurring. “The individual needs to see that they are not a loser but rather have taken on a role in an unhealthy family system,” Moore said. It may take an outside party such as a friend or therapist to point out the unfair treatment of siblings. “Remember it took decades to build those negative belief systems, so it will take time to change them,” Ruan said. She recommended reading self-help books, joining a support group or working with a therapist who is familiar with these issues and can help you reframe negative beliefs. Once you recognise these unhealthy patterns, it’s important to seek out environments where you feel valued and avoid situations that mirror your childhood. Take time to reflect on your strengths and what matters to you. Write down your definition of success, not what your family defined as success, Moore said. Ultimately, the goal is to “embark on a journey of living in alignment with the values you’ve outlined and your personalised definition of success,” she added.Consider that some family members may resist or sabotage your efforts to heal. “They may not like that you are changing the status quo because it serves them in some way,” Ruan said. “The golden child may also face criticism and backlash from parents who once praised them.” So, until you feel confident in your new beliefs and habits, you may need to limit the time you spend with family. Lastly, it’s common for people who think of themselves as “loser siblings” to spend a significant portion of their lives trying to gain their family’s love and acceptance. “Whether your skills and talents were valued by your family or not, as an adult, you have agency to decide that you value them and that the label of being a ‘loser sibling’ is not one you need to accept,” Le Goy said. 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