Should You Ever Cry In Front Of Your Kids? I Asked A Therapist

“Do you let yourself cry in front of your kids?” It’s the question a parent pitched to the masses on Mumsnet recently, after finding herself breaking down in front of her eight-year-old son. The mum said her son is a “very whiny child” and that morning had been no exception. “He whined about wanting the TV on, whined about wanting his iPad, whined about what I was making him for breakfast, whined about getting dressed, whined about his dad going to work,” she recalled.The parent said when she offered him a clean pair of pants to get dressed into, he “lost it” at her and was “screeching” because he wanted to wear boxers instead.Pushed to the edge, the parent revealed: “I burst into tears and I told my DS [dear son] that I had enough of his whining every single bloody day and he was making me feel extremely, extremely unhappy!”She said she told him to “stop and to pull himself together” and “to consider how he was talking to me” – and it seemed to work, as he got ready for school and into the car without another word.The mum said she thinks the intervention “did him the world of good”, but then wondered afterwards if she was wrong to have cried.What do other parents think?Most people seemed to think it’s fine to cry in front of kids – as long as you don’t make a habit of it. “I think you did exactly the right thing. Kids don’t need to be wrapped up, and protected at all costs from knowing that their behaviour can be upsetting,” said one commenter.“I think you have had a somewhat liberating moment, and your son will be fine.”Another said: “I think it’s fine as long as it’s not for emotional manipulation which it wasn’t in your case, you had just got to the end of your tether.”“I don’t think it’s a bad thing to cry every now and again,” said one parent, although they noted that their own mother cried a lot growing up and, as a result they felt like they couldn’t go to her with their problems.A therapist weighs in“Showing emotion and crying in front of your children can be really useful ... and can show authenticity,” Fiona Yassin, the founder and clinical director of The Wave Clinic, told HuffPost UK.It can help to let kids understand that sometimes things in life can be sad or not go their way.“When we’re able to cry authentically in front of children we’re able to demonstrate to them that lovely rounded expression of emotion that means it’s not scary, it’s not overwhelming and it’s not shameful to show that something’s affecting you on that level,” she said. But, as always, balance is important. “When we’re showing any kind of large emotion – sadness, tears, crying – we need to be able to show that we are able to manage that effectively. It doesn’t mean stiff upper lip and putting on a brave face ... it means being able to name and explain what we’re feeling,” said the therapist.If a young child comes into the kitchen and their parent is crying but says nothing’s wrong, for example, the parent is modelling that “emotions are to be ashamed of and should be hidden”.And if the mum explains why they’re crying and they share information that isn’t age appropriate, or overburdens their child, it could also be problematic.“We always need to be keeping in mind that we are the parent and they are the child and our job is never to overburden them or to incite them to take care of us,” she said. If you have cried in front of your child, it can be helpful to label the feeling and detail how you’re going to take care of yourself. Yassin offered an example of what parents could say: “My feeling is sadness when this thing happened and, how I’m going to look after myself today is: I’m going to take some extra time to have a bubble bath, I’m going to take some extra time to sit and think about the person I’m missing, I’m going to take some extra time to talk to Daddy.”And remember, if you’re crying a lot and are feeling overwhelmed, it’s important to reach out for support – whether that’s family, friends, your GP or a therapist. Help and support:Mind, open Monday to Friday, 9am-6pm on 0300 123 3393.Samaritans offers a listening service which is open 24 hours a day, on 116 123 (UK and ROI - this number is FREE to call and will not appear on your phone bill).CALM (the Campaign Against Living Miserably) offer a helpline open 5pm-midnight, 365 days a year, on 0800 58 58 58, and a webchat service.The Mix is a free support service for people under 25. Call 0808 808 4994 or email [email protected] Mental Illness offers practical help through its advice line which can be reached on 0808 801 0525 (Monday to Friday 10am-4pm). More info can be found on rethink.org.Related...I'm A Family Therapist, Here's Why You Should Never Say 'Stop Crying' To KidsThis Is Why You Might Feel Like Crying When You're AngryThese 4 Motherhood Myths Are BS – It's High Time We Rejected Them

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