'Shrekking' Is A Response To Dating Rejection – But It's Still Cruel

Shrek and FionaI am currently re-reading all of Jane Austen’s books, and it’s proven to me that though some modern dating terms – like breadcrumbing, ghosting, and “situationships” – are new, the actions behind them aren’t. In fact, I reckon Lady Susan would have an instinctive understanding of a new dating trend called “Shrekking”.If you haven’t seen the word all over your timeline yet, though, 1) congrats on avoiding “dating discourse” social media, and 2) we’ve got your back.What is “Shrekking” in dating?The word refers to daters choosing partners who they consider to be “out of their league” looks-wise (hence the reference to Shrek) in the hopes they’ll be treated better because their partner will notice the supposed gap in attractiveness and do everything they can to keep them.Speaking to HuffPost UK, psychologist Dr Carolina Estevez explained: “Shrekking can be a form of emotional self-protection. Dating someone who seems ‘beneath’ your standards can feel like a safe buffer against deeper emotional risk.“It can also result from dating burnout and frustration in which people just want someone stable and kind, regardless of personal attraction,” she added. “Shrekking” can come about following the exhausting, self-esteem-crushing cycles of “benching”, “haunting”, and general bad dating behaviours that can occur both on and off the apps, the therapist told us. But though looking for someone you perceive to be beneath you can feel like a “sacrifice,” Dr Estevez said: “These trends normalise dishonesty and avoidance, eroding trust and self-esteem and lowering relationship satisfaction”.It’s an unfair attempt at gaining control I’ve seen a lot of videos of people outraged that their ex-partner, who they see as worse-looking than them, had the gall to treat them badly while not being conventionally attractive.I am always a fan of holding bad behaviour accountable.But I can’t help but wonder why the posters think a relationship in which they have clearly also been unkind – by “deigning” to date someone they knew they weren’t attracted to – wouldn’t take its own toll on their ex.Valerie Kowalski, a Gottman-certified couples therapist, says “Shrekking” is a mmisguided attempt to remain in the driver’s seat of your relationship. “If they are not as attracted to the person they are investing time seeing, then the hope is that the other person is more attracted to them and more invested in the relationship,” she wrote.“If they are less invested, they have more control.” It’s not that I don’t understand how fatiguing dating can be (I definitely do). But as Dr Estevez explained, “Shrekking” does not solve the inevitable risk involved in finding meaningful love – instead “reinforcing superficial judgements or emotional defensiveness”. As she put it, “It’s important to anchor yourself in values, not trends”.Related...He Asked For Nudes Before We Even Kissed, And 5 Other Red Flags I Missed As A Dating Writer'Throning' Is A New, Dire Dating Trend – Here's How To Spot ItIs It Possible To 'Protect Your Peace' Too Much While Dating?

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