These Are The Most Common Relationship Issues For Oldest Daughters, According To Couples Therapists

I sometimes think that much of what I look for in a relationship ― and how I show up for my partners ― is shaped by my experience as an eldest daughter.Like many oldest daughters, I grew up carrying a lot of responsibility, and I’m still learning how to put some of it down. In my own relationships, I want my partner to take the initiative and plan things. For instance, if we’re going on vacation, I’ll go in with that attitude, but inevitably I’ll cave to my eldest daughter instincts and take the lead (especially if he’s lagging). I want to share my inner world and any problems I’m dealing with, but again, I can probably handle it myself. No need to get into all that. In other words, eldest daughter syndrome and my need for self-sufficiency annoyingly creep into my relationships.It’s not all bad, of course: Older daughters tend to be loyal, so loyalty’s built into the relationship. I’ll cheerlead my partners through just about anything, since I’m used to being there for my family. It pays off in little ways, too: Did the waiter forget your side of ranch? I’ll flag him down. Advocating for you ― and your dipping sauce of choice ― matters! Eldest daughters often grow into incredible partners once they unlearn the idea that love equals responsibility.Kati Morton, a therapist and the author of "Why Do I Keep Doing This?: Unlearn the Habits Keeping You Stuck and Unhappy."Clearly, there are advantages and disadvantages to dating as an older daughter, or to dating one, said Kati Morton, a therapist who works with a lot of eldest daughters and the author of “Why Do I Keep Doing This?: Unlearn the Habits Keeping You Stuck and Unhappy.” “The pros are reliability, empathy, and commitment; the cons are burnout, resentment, and losing touch with their own needs,” she said. How do we deal with some of those cons? Below, Morton and couples therapists share some of the most common issues among eldest daughters, and a little advice for handling each. 1. They take on the “emotional manager” role in their relationship. In therapy sessions, Morton likes to say that eldest daughters don’t always fall in love; they sometimes take care of love.“Many eldest daughters grow up being the built-in helper, soothing parents, mediating between siblings, or anticipating needs before anyone asks,” she told HuffPost. “In adulthood, this often translates into emotional over-functioning in relationships.”Eldest daughters are natural caregivers: On a trip, they’re the ones who plan, remember what to bring, and smooth things over when there’s a wrinkle in said plan.“An eldest daughter also might notice her partner’s bad mood and immediately feel responsible for fixing it,” she said. “Or she might take on more than her fair share of the relationship’s emotional maintenance: remembering birthdays, initiating difficult conversations, and monitoring connection levels.”Psychologically, this pattern stems from early conditioning, Morton explained: Love and approval were often linked with being responsible and reliable: “It’s not that she wants control, it’s that responsibility feels like love,” she said.The goal, Morton said, is to unlearn some of that by trusting that your partner is equally adult and can handle business, too. But first, you’ve got to be willing to cede some of that control.“As adults, eldest daughters might crave closeness, intimacy, and relationships, but are afraid and unsure of how to open up and depend on others,” said Kathryn Lee, a New York-based therapist and an oldest daughter herself. 2. They can be late bloomers in love.They’re so busy putting everyone first and leading the family, eldest daughters are sometimes slow to find love, said Kathryn Lee, a New York-based therapist and an oldest daughter herself. “Growing up as the ‘strong one,’ eldest daughters often become hyper independent, learning to only depend on themselves,” she said. “Because they spent much of their childhood taking on adult responsibilities, many eldest daughters may not have had the opportunity to explore their emotions, play, or develop comfort with vulnerability.”As adults, “eldest daughters might crave closeness, intimacy, and relationships, but are afraid and unsure of how to open up and depend on others,” she said. Lee said she was a late bloomer when it came to love, too, and had to learn to receive rather than constantly give, give, give. 3. They have a hard time being vulnerable in relationships. Because they were trained to be “the strong one,” vulnerability can feel unsafe or even shameful to oldest daughters. “In relationships, this can look like minimising their needs ― ‘I’m fine, don’t worry about it’ ― or quietly resenting that their partner isn’t more nurturing, even though they never gave them the chance to step up,” Morton said. “When they’re tired, overwhelmed, or hurting, they may push those feelings down rather than risk being perceived as ‘too much.’” The homework for eldest daughters here? Accept that it doesn’t make you any less competent to need help or a shoulder to cry on. It just makes you human. (And more like a little brother, sure.) There’s no problem an eldest daughter can’t fix ― even a miserable, clearly-on-its-last-leg relationship.4. It’s hard to create boundaries with family, even when you have a family of your own. If strong boundaries haven’t been established ― and let’s face it, they rarely are in any family ― eldest daughters may find that their family monopolises their time, even when they have a partner of their own, said Natalie Moore, a therapist and owner of Space for Growth Therapy and Coaching in Los Angeles. “An eldest daughter often becomes like an ‘apprentice’ to the mother in running the household,” Moore said. “This creates a dynamic wherein the eldest daughter takes on more responsibility than is age-appropriate, and this can continue for years, if gone unchecked.” That might look like the eldest daughter being the only one to take their aging parents to doctors’ appointments, having to provide financial support to siblings in dire financial straits or having to act as the perpetual peacemaker in family disputes.Moore said your relationships will continue to suffer — and your partner may feel sidelined — until you learn to delegate and set firm boundaries about what you’re willing to handle in the family.If strong boundaries haven’t been established, eldest daughters may find that their family monopolizes their time even in adulthood.5. They’re certain they can fix every situation, even a dead-end relationship.There’s no problem an eldest daughter can’t fix ― even a clearly-on-its-last-leg relationship. That’s in part because eldest daughters have a tendency to self-blame. If you’re taking on the lion’s share of the responsibility for what’s wrong in your relationship, it naturally feels like it’s also your responsibility to fix it, explained Avigail Lev, a psychologist and director at Bay Area CBT Center in California. “You might convince yourself that if you just communicate better, stay calm, or work harder to be understood, the relationship will improve,” she said. “For example, if someone doesn’t understand you, your immediate assumption is, ‘I must not have explained myself correctly.’”An eldest daughter will try harder in this situation ― doing all the emotional and mental labor ― to try and get the other person to see them clearly. This creates the illusion of control, but it’s exhausting and almost always leads to disappointment. “If you truly saw how unbalanced or unhealthy a dynamic was, you’d have to confront the painful reality that not everyone has good intentions,” Lev said. “Not everything can be fixed by trying harder.”The good news, after all that? Eldest daughters often grow into incredible partners once they unlearn the idea that love equals responsibility, Morton said.“When they realise that they’re allowed to be chosen instead of just needed, something profound shifts,” she said. “They start showing up in relationships not just as caretakers, but as equals. People who can both give and receive, lead and lean.”Related...I Chose To Cut My Daughter’s Gymnastics Journey Short – Here's Why'My Teen Daughter's Pushing Me To The Edge. I Don't Know How To Parent Her'My Daughter Is Autistic. We Need To Talk About The Cost Of Raising SEND Kids

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