We Talked To A Couple Into ‘Hot Husbanding,’ A Kink Where Sharing Is Caring

“A hot husband is someone that is so attractive and ‘hot’ they function almost like a status symbol for their partner,” said Heather McPherson, a marriage and family therapist and certified sex therapist in Austin, Texas.Sharing is caring. Or at least that’s how people who are into “hot husbanding” feel. The kink got mainstream attention last month, when comedian Nikki Glasser went on “The Goop Podcast” and talked about “sharing” her on-and-off-again boyfriend, Chris Convy, with other women. Glasser went on to liken her kink to “lending my friend a hairdresser.”Glasser and Convy’s arrangement isn’t a two-way street; the comedian, who hosted the Golden Globes in January, has said in the past that she’s not looking to have sex with other men, though it “might be [her] thing someday.” If Glasser’s boyfriend was into “sharing” her, they’d be hotwifing. (The kink is also sometimes called “stagging.”)What, exactly, is hot husbanding? There are myriad ways couples (and single) get their hot husbanding rocks off, so no one definition could encompass it all. But broadly speaking, “it’s putting the focus on a partner’s desire to show off their hot husband,” said Heather McPherson, a marriage and family therapist and sex therapist in Austin, Texas.“A hot husband is someone that is so attractive and ‘hot’ they function almost like a status symbol for their partner,” McPherson said. “The partner may also take pleasure in sharing him with others as part of the experience.”For some, it might just be talking about the idea with their partner that’s a turn-on. Others venture out and find other women to have sex with their partners. From the male’s point of view, it’s difficult to say, ‘hey, I’ve got a partner, but let’s go out and have a sexual encounter.’ Most women just think I’m out to cheat on my partner.Chase, a 48-year-old “hot husband”The dynamic exists in the same kinky universe as cuckoldry or cuckqueandom ― where a man (a cuckold) or woman (a cuckquean) takes pleasure in watching their partner have sex with someone else. (Or hearing details of their partner’s sexual intimacy with a third party or established partner.) There’s consent and boundaries with both kinks, but they differ in one key way: Those into hot husbandry aren’t generally turned on by any humiliation aspect of being “cheated on” the way a cuckquean is, McPherson explained. Oftentimes, partner swapping is about having subversion in safety, said Jess O’Reilly, a sexologist and host of the “Sex With Dr. Jess” podcast.“With the support of a caring partner, you get to challenge monogamous norms and break taboos,” she told HuffPost. Sitting back and watching while your boyfriend or husband does all the work can be kind of hot, too.“If you’re the voyeur or supportive partner, you don’t have to be the center of participation or attention. You can relish in the erotic without physically articulating,” O’Reilly said.It varies, but for most women into hot husbanding, they don’t want their partner getting emotionally involved.That’s true for Glasser, who explained that an emotional connection is off limits for her boyfriend. That said, for her, she does feel some rivalry toward the other women: “I think it’s definitely the competition thing of like, ‘Ooh, maybe he will leave me for her. I gotta step it up.’ I kind of like that,” she said on the podcast."With the support of a caring partner, you can challenge monogamous norms and break taboos by engaging in erotic pleasure with a third party," said Jess O’Reilly, a sexologist and host of the "Sex With Dr. Jess" podcast.What it’s like to have ― and be ― a “hot husband” To delve deeper into hot husbanding, we spoke to Chase, 48, and Scarlit, 43, a couple who’ve been together for 18 months and are exploring their kinky side. (Both asked to use pseudonyms to protect their privacy.)Their desire to hot husband stemmed from them exploring threesomes together about six months into their relationship. “I remember the specific moment when I was watching him with her. Don’t get me wrong, I loved being involved, but something about watching her reactions and his sexual fulfillment was mesmerizing,” Scarlit said. “Like he was my own personal porn star and I got to pick the partners.” Scarlit said she felt intrigued, aroused and powerful in that moment ― and also a sense of compersion. (In the polyamory community, compersion is the pleasure you derive from your partner’s pleasure.) “While I do sexually satisfy him, he also has the desire to see how he can make other women’s bodies react sexually,” Scarlit explained. One thing Scarlit is not after is feeling like a cuck. Humiliation isn’t sexy at all to her, and the pair is careful about Chase potentially developing feelings.“I just love watching the satisfaction he receives and provides,” she said. “I’m not at all interested in him having any relations with the female outside of the bedroom. Getting to know them on a personal level is a big turn-off. Even the thought of a date is very threatening to me.”But watching another woman have the “the best sex of her life” and give thanks to Scarlit after? She’s definitely into that: “Mentally, it’s more ‘I allowed that, and you are welcome,’” Scarlit said. “It’s the power of my position. That I was able to provide that.” Chase ― the hot husband ― admits that at first, hearing that his new girlfriend wanted to “share” him felt like a trap: He’d been asked to do something along the lines of cucking in the past, but in both cases, he suspected the women were prone to jealousy so he shied away from it. “The difference between them and Scarlit is that she actively went out and pursued a third for us,” he told HuffPost. “So as we’ve explored it more, the more excited and aroused Scarlit has gotten. She’s been actively looking for cuckcake.” (That’s the term for the female partner the hot husband has sex with.) Before hot husbanding, O'Reilly said to "talk more generally about what turns you on and off and be curious and open about concerns, hesitations and questions you may have." To find these women, the couple has engaged in dozens ― maybe hundreds — of conversations with people on Reddit, but very few have resulted in actual dates. They opened FetLife accounts (a social network for the kink community) but found that women wanting to be cuckcakes were few and far between.“We attempted to open an account on Tinder, the app known for hookups, and it turns out they ban you permanently if you try to look for threesomes or cuckcakes,” he said.And most women on Bumble are looking for relationships with emotional stability and longevity, not strictly sexual relationships, Chase said. “From the male’s point of view, it’s difficult to say, ‘Hey, I’ve got a partner, but let’s go out and have a sexual encounter,’” he told HuffPost. “Most women just think I’m out to cheat on my partner.”That said, he does have a date next week with a woman Scarlit gave the green light to months ago, she said, “only because she’s moving out of the country.” As that statement suggests, there’s some potential for complications here. “For Scarlit, the fear is from me deciding to move on with one of these trysts,” Chase said. “So she’s asked that I not attempt to independently engage in sexual activities with someone from my past because they have access to me outside of her.”She’s also free to read his communications with other women if she feels jealousy or if a woman tries to message him behind her back with longer-term goals. “The thought of the date makes me very jealous, not the sex,” she said. “But it’s also a boundary I’m wanting to push to expand our kink more.” As Chase explained, “We’re only looking for partners for us ― for me, physically and for her, mentally ― together. ” Some basic tips on hot husbanding (or otherwise partner swapping) If you’re hot husband-curious, it’s worth sharing your fantasies with your partner, O’Reilly said. “Talk more generally about what turns you on and off and be curious and open about concerns, hesitations and questions you may have,” she said.Be realistic about expectations, too, because they may not always be met. (We’re pretty monogamous-centric in this country, and even genuinely hot husbands get turned down. Take it from Chase.) It’s also important to be mindful of treating third parties with care, O’Reilly said. Their desires, needs and boundaries are just as important as yours.From personal experience, Scarlit advised people to only explore the kink if they have full trust and open communication with their partner.“I think there has to be a level of emotional intelligence in both partners, and a lot of understanding,” she said. “The best tip I got was ‘only move as slow as the slowest person in the relationship,’ and so far, that’s worked for us.” Though new to hot husbanding, she and Chase have already learned a lot about themselves and each other from it, which she credits to all the transparency required for a healthy wife or husband swap. (Talking about how you want to watch your boyfriend go down on someone has a way of opening up all communication floodgates.)“I’m surprised how it’s seemed to change our dynamic all the way around and make talking about anything feel so easy,” Scarlit said. Related...Always Fancy People In Relationships? This Could Be WhyIs 'Micromance' The Key To Happiness In Relationships?You're Probably Ruining Relationships With This Passive-Aggressive Behaviour

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