What's A Velcro Kid – And Why Do I Have One?

I have a velcro kid. She constantly wants “tuddles” (cuddles); will come and find me whenever I’m on the toilet (and will stand there, not breaking eye contact, until I’ve finished); and even if I manage to sit her down in front of CBeebies for five minutes, I’ll turn around 10 seconds later and there she’ll be. I can’t cook dinner without having to pick her up (I have one muscly arm as a result), I’m the only one she wants when she wakes in the night, and if anyone else is enjoying my attention...? Well, that makes them enemy number one.Her dad can’t get a look-in. Neither can her sister. She wants me – and only me – and while it’s absolutely wonderful (who doesn’t want to feel so loved and needed?), I’d be a complete liar if I didn’t admit it can be a tad exhausting. It seems I’m not alone with my “velcro” child – an unofficial term for the kids, especially babies, who are “clingy” to one parent (usually mum). A quick scroll on TikTok and you’ll see a whole host of videos from parents, and also parenting pros, about the phenomenon. But why are they like this?For starters, let’s be clear: it’s nothing you’ve done wrong. It’s just their temperament. Sarah Wheatley, BACP member and perinatal psychotherapist, told HuffPost UK: “Just like adults, all babies experience sensations and feelings differently.“Some children will be temperamentally more in need of soothing and comfort to help support them through some of the experiences of being a baby.”Signs of a velcro kidAs babies, they might not want to be put down. Cot naps might seem like the stuff of mythical stories. Your baby will sleep on you – and you only. If you put them in their play gym, they’ll likely scream until you pick them back up again. A strong tell that you have a velcro baby is that any hot drink ends up not drunk and stone-cold. They won’t go to other people, and if you do need five minutes to get showered, they’ll likely scream the house down until you’re reunited. Francyne Zeltser, a psychologist and senior clinical director at Manhattan Psychology Group, told BabyCenter that if “you’re not able to put your baby down for at least one-third” of the day, you might have a velcro baby.As they grow older and begin to move about, you might notice they start to strongly resemble your shadow – albeit a smaller, cuter version. They probably want to sit on you, or near you, or with a leg touching you, at every possibility (that includes when you’re on the loo).They want constant cuddles and attention. Childcare drop-offs can become the stuff of nightmares. Solo play? What’s that?!It’s understandable, really. If you’ve been their primary caregiver since the beginning, that’s all they’ve ever known. They’ve been dependent on you for every little thing – but as they grow older and become more independent, theoretically they should start to gradually shift away. Though it may take time. (Some parents reported having velcro kids up until the ages of three and four). And if you’re reading this smugly thinking “mine was never a velcro baby”, some parents do indeed find their kids became “velcro” children over time – this can be initiated by major life changes, like going to school or moving house.When might a ‘Velcro child’ need more support to do things independently?According to Wheatley, there isn’t going to be a “right or wrong” time on this.“It will depend on what level of support the caregivers have. It will depend on what is coming up for the family (i.e. are they having another child?). Sometimes there is no perfect solution, but just a bit of a ‘to-and-fro’ as the caregivers and the child navigate the difficulties of becoming more independent,” she said.“It often involves a series of nudges from the caregivers, accompanied by some internal motivation for the child.”You could gently start spending more time away from them (build this up over time), or encouraging them to spend short bursts of time with other people.As they enter toddlerhood, you can set them up with solo play (sensory bins, Lego Duplo, and magnetic tiles can keep young kids occupied for short periods) or encourage them to spend some time doing creative activities, like colouring or drawing – and offer praise when they do. According to Parents, it can also help to establish predictable routines and model calm separations by making “goodbyes” short when you do need to leave them in another person’s care.It might also be helpful to let your child know – if they’re a bit older and can understand that – how long you plan to be away for, and when you’ll be back.Support for parents of ‘velcro’ kidsIf you do have a velcro baby, toddler or child, Wheatley stresses “try not to shame yourself”.“There can be a strong rhetoric that parents ‘create’ clingy children,” she said. “However, this is just not the case. If you have a child who needs more emotional and physical support at this stage, then you need support too because it’s hard work!”She noted when parents feel shame, it might make them resist asking, or paying, for help – “but it’s really necessary,” she added. To have a bit of respite, try to get some space to regulate yourself. “Whether that’s going to a community group where a volunteer might hold your baby so you can at least get a cup of tea, or putting your baby in nursery for a day so you can decompress, or using deep breathing/safe space exercises to help your body release the stress,” she said. It is hard and you are not finite, she added. “You need ways to resource yourself again.”Related...5 Signs Your Child's Food Struggles Might Be ADHDI’m A Child Psychologist. But I Can’t Solve The Problem That Made My Daughter CryHow Often Should You Clean A Child's Ears? The Answer Might Surprise You

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