You're Not Being Ghosted. You're Just Addicted To 'The Ping'

No one likes being ghosted. But what if you’re not actually being ghosted? What if the other person is genuinely just…busy? But someone being busy and feeling ghosted can often feel like the same thing when dating in a culture that expects instant responses.As Monica Berg, relationship expert and author of “Rethink Love,” explains: “For many of us, especially those with anxious attachment patterns that were formed in early childhood, a pause in connection can feel like abandonment — not because it’s the reality of the situation, but because it reminds us of old feelings and stories.”When we’re in the early stages of love, we’re flooded with cortisol, dopamine and all the chemical chaos that makes infatuation feel urgent and obsessive (the feeling of “butterflies,” for example). Layer in those unresolved attachment stories from childhood, and suddenly we’re reliving them in real time.Waiting by the phone never gets any easier. But you can reframe these moments to make them less anxiety inducing. “If we believe we’re ‘not enough’ or that ‘everyone abandons me,’ then even a delayed text can feel like confirmation of those beliefs,” Berg said. How Instant Text Gratification Messes With Your HeadWhile dating apps can often feel like “The Hunger Games,” and no one wants to waste time or emotional investment on a swipe, this obsession with immediate responses from someone who is essentially a stranger can create unrealistic expectations for many single people. It dismisses the reality that the other person may have their own schedule, priorities or boundaries, none of which are necessarily a reflection of how they feel about you.Still, the absence of a ping on your phone can trigger a defensive response: “He can’t be that busy. He must not be into me,” or “I don’t want someone too busy to text me.” “The constant accessibility of modern communication — texts, DMs, voice notes, read receipts — creates the illusion that we should always be available,” Berg said. “Especially in new relationships, this immediacy can feel intoxicating at first: They messaged again! They’re thinking of me! But very quickly, it can become anxiety-inducing and even addictive,” she explains. But that reaction, Berg adds, often reinforces a cycle of emotional dependence on the ping itself. The dopamine hit we get when someone we like — or think we like — texts us back becomes the metric for our self-worth.Receiving texts and notifications triggers a dopamine hit — the neurotransmitter responsible for pleasure and infatuation. Pairing the constant contact with the consistent dopamine can make “us feel a false sense of intimacy, when real trust and intimacy evolves over time,” Berg said.The false intimacy of text-based relationships can make pauses or gaps in talking so much more upsetting. “Instead, we can find ourselves diving headfirst into emotional enmeshment,” Berg adds. “Boundaries — both energetic and emotional — become blurred, and we’re starting off in codependency, fantasy and expectation.”Psychologically, she said, this sets us up for attachment dysregulation. “Our nervous systems become hijacked by anticipation, constantly scanning for connection or perceived rejection, and we are caught in an infatuation loop that will inevitably end — whether we end up together or not.” Building on this, psychotherapist Israa Nasir explains how the dopamine feedback loop in texting and dating apps specifically keeps us focused on external rewards ― likes, replies, matches ― rather than turning inward to consider if we truly like the person. “When we rely on external validation (like someone texting back, matching with us, or complimenting us) we’re outsourcing our sense of self-worth to others,” she explains. “These moments of approval trigger dopamine spikes, reinforcing the idea that we are only ‘OK’ when someone else chooses us.” The more we rely on others for reassurance, Nasir adds, the less we develop and trust our own internal coping mechanisms. Which means when someone doesn’t text back, “the brain interprets it as a threat, triggering anxiety, self-doubt and shame. This keeps us in a reactive loop, instead of a grounded state.”Nasir also points out that dating apps are deliberately “gamified,” designed like slot machines to maximise user engagement, not necessarily emotional well-being. “This behavioural design wires us for compulsive checking and distorted thinking patterns, making it harder to form secure, healthy connections.” Making Peace With The Lack Of ‘Ping’So what should you do if you feel panicked or dysregulated when you don’t hear back from a romantic interest within a certain timeframe?Berg recommends seeing the trigger as an invitation to grow. “When that familiar panic sets in, the first thing to do is pause. Breathe. Call it out. You might even say out loud, ‘Here is my old story. I feel it, but I know it’s not real.’ From here, you can now challenge the story instead of letting it run the show. I often say that we don’t have control over our first thought, but we do have control over our second.”Berg admits that challenging these habitual, negative thought patterns is a skill that is required in any phase of a relationship but especially in these early moments. “It can also help us to remember that love, real love, isn’t built in instant replies — it’s built in trust, in patience, in spiritual growth.”And remember that a pause in communication isn’t always a rejection. “Often, it’s just life,” Berg said. “Our lives are so fast-paced and busy. What’s more important is the work of learning to regulate and soothe our own nervous systems, not outsource our peace of mind or our sense of worth to someone else’s response times. This is the shift from what I call ‘reactive interest’ to ‘conscious interest.’ And it’s where real connection begins.”Nasir offers practical guidance on navigating the ambiguity of digital communication, including differentiating between whether someone is actually ghosting you or simply someone needing space or living their life offline.“Track patterns, not moments: Look at their overall communication habits. Were they consistently responsive before, or had replies already started slowing down? Consider time and context: If it’s been a few hours or even a day, they may just be living life offline,” she explains. “Ghosting typically involves a sudden, complete drop-off with no explanation over an extended period (usually a week or more).” Reduce time doom-scrolling or waiting for a ping. Instead, engage in meaningful, self-affirming activities: friendships, hobbies, creativity, solo travel or dining, rest. These fill your emotional reserves and make dating feel like a part of life, not the whole thing.Israa Nasir, psychotherapistIf you suspect you’re really being ghosted, Nasir suggests asking directly, once. “If you’re unsure, it’s OK to check in with a grounded message. If there’s no response after that, it’s information, not necessarily personal failure.”When nothing is guaranteed in love or life and when dating feels like it’s doing more harm than good now more than ever, Nasir further emphasises the importance of building emotional resilience.“The most important thing is to make sure your entire life is not centred on romance or dating,” she said. “Reduce time doom-scrolling or waiting for a ping. Instead, engage in meaningful, self-affirming activities: friendships, hobbies, creativity, solo travel or dining, rest. These fill your emotional reserves and make dating feel like a part of life, not the whole thing.”She also recommends building in regular check-ins with yourself after interactions: “How did I feel? Did I show up as myself? This centres your experience, rather than obsessing over theirs. Practice sitting with discomfort—like the unknown of a delayed reply — without reacting impulsively. Use grounding tools like breath work, movement, or journaling to stay present. This rewires your nervous system to see uncertainty as tolerable, not dangerous.”As Berg puts it: “The goal of a relationship is not constant contact or infinite good feelings — it’s real connection, which can only occur slowly over time.”Related...'I Ghosted My Friend After She Asked To Split Her Birthday Bill. Was I Unfair?'The 1 Text You Should Send After Being Ghosted, According To An ExpertHave You Been 'Anti-Ghosted'? Experts Explain What To Do Next.

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