We lived our entire lives in New York and moved to South Carolina for a change — 5 years later, it still isn't quite what we hoped for

Courtesy of Valerie MantelliWe moved to South Carolina five years ago and still feel out of place.Our religious and social differences have made it hard to make friends.We can't leave, though, because our daughter would lose her in-state college tuition.After spending our whole lives in upstate New York, my husband and I were ready for a change.While we both enjoyed the seasonality of the northern states, the long winters were starting to grate on us, and his career in finance would flourish in a busier city.In 2019, we zeroed in on the suburbs surrounding Charlotte, North Carolina, eventually settling in a town just over the border in South Carolina.While many aspects of our new lives were positive, we couldn't help feeling a little regretful as we navigated our new surroundings.It was a feeling we assumed would improve with time, but due to a host of factors, it never really got better. Now, here we are, almost six years later, and still feeling out of place.Several factors have made us feel misplaced in South CarolinaMantelli and her family at a park in Charlotte.Courtesy of Valerie MantelliAt the time we moved, our two children were about to enter fifth and seventh grade. They were rapidly aging out of needing me to arrange their social lives, and thereby, reducing my need to talk to other moms.Gone were the days when they were little and part of a playgroup like the one I belonged to in New York, which provided a ready-made set of friends.We got here and immediately started our new jobs, the kids entered school, and along the way, we realized we weren't making very many connections.Then, the pandemic happened.The pandemic kept us isolatedMantelli's dogs walking through her South Carolina neighborhood.Courtesy of Valerie MantelliJust months after we closed on our new home, the COVID-19 pandemic started. Our kids' schools shut down, and we socially distanced as required.For people who already had connections pre-pandemic, it was probably a lot easier to maintain them amid the new normal. However, for a family like ours that barely had a chance to unpack before being locked down, it was incredibly isolating.Our children were in distance learning for about a year total, so they also struggled to make friends. The upside was plenty of family time. The downside was a lack of social connections in our lives to make the difficult situation a little less lonely.We are not religious, but most families we know areMantelli's husband and kids at a restaurant in Charlotte.Courtesy of Valerie MantelliThe COVID-19 pandemic was just the initial reason we had trouble making friends. In the years since, we've still struggled partly because we are lapsed Catholics in a town where many people attend Baptist, Methodist, or one of the larger non-denominational mega churches.I knew if wejoined a church, we would likely make fast friends, but it felt disingenuous to us as we aren't really believers.Our children have also had some bumps in the road when it comes to making friends, as some parents here have said they really do prefer that their children socialize with other Christians.Both of our kids have encountered prospective friends who made church attendance the next morning part of a Saturday sleepover, or parents who approached us about inviting our kids to a Christian youth group.Our kids weren't raised with religion, so they said they are not comfortable taking part in these activities. Once our status was made clear, it unfortunately resulted in more than one budding friendship fading away.Our religious differences aren't the biggest obstacle to fitting in, but they definitely contribute to our overall feeling of not belonging.The simple fact is, my husband and I spent most of our lives among family, in the same area we grew up in. Now that we live in a place withno family close by, the feeling of isolation is always present, and merely compounded by the religious and social differences that come with living in a place different from what we're used to.We miss our extended families a lot more than we thought we wouldPhoto of Mantelli's South Carolina neighborhood.Courtesy of Valerie MantelliMy husband and I are both family-oriented, and I am particularly close to my aunts, uncles, cousins, and siblings.Our close extended family was the top reason we hadn't considered leaving New York sooner. I wanted our children to have the same kind of childhood I had—full of family holiday gatherings, birthday parties, and familiar faces in the audience at their school and sporting events.Being near family was a huge plus of living in New York, but I didn't realize how much we leaned on them until we moved 800 miles away. In the time since we left, we have lost one of my grandmothers and my husband's father.My husband's mother has experienced some health struggles in the last year, and my brother got married recently and welcomed his first child.Our distance from family is never more pronounced than when we are missing out on important family events that we feel we should be present for.Being this far away makes us feel guilty and sad. It's hard to feel at home here when the people we love aren't close by, but it's expensive and disruptive for us to keep traveling home, so we miss out on a lot.We knew that would be our reality going into the move, but I guess it was something we had to experience to really know how much it would hurt.Now, our daughter is attending a South Carolina college, so we can't leaveOur oldest child is about to begin her studies at an excellent university, and while we are beyond proud of her, we also know this means four more years of living down here to make sure she keeps her in-state tuition rate.Our son still has a few years of high school left, and it remains to be seen what college he will attend. In total, we could be living down here for another six years if he decides to attend a South Carolina state school, as well.Right now, we are mulling over a move further south within the state to the low-country area once our son graduates high school. It's near the coast, which is more in line with our active lifestyles, and it's near my parents, so we would have at least some family close by.I would love a chance to make our lives here feel more like home. Although we miss our families, we know deep down we had good reasons to leave New York that still stand today. My hope is that our next move might help us settle in and meet people with whom we can forge real connections.Read the original article on Business Insider

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