My wife and I are suffering ‘lesbian bed death’. Is there any way back?

It’s 13 years since we had sex. My libido has come roaring back – but she’s not interestedMy wife and I, both women in our 60s, have been together for more than 20 years. We stopped having sex about 13 years ago, due to a combination of getting a dog (who sleeps with us) and her going through the menopause. I had a bit of a lull in my own libido when I went through menopause about nine years ago, but it came roaring back. She is not interested in sex at all and is also resentful that I have a hoarding problem, even though I’m in therapy for it. I think she may be using that as an excuse to withhold affection (when asked, she doesn’t confirm or deny it). Do you think there is any hope that we can resolve our “lesbian bed death”? We’re in couples therapy, but I don’t think it is helping much.The stance of “withholding affection” can be a fully conscious act or it can be unconscious. In other words, a person might be fully committed to her partner and (in principle) wish to be intimate, yet deeply held resentment arrests that desire. I’m glad you are in couples therapy, as, over time, that could break the impasse between you and heal various issues that may have arisen in the past. Try to avoid labelling your lack of intimacy as “lesbian bed death”, since that catch-all phrase can support a helpless attitude. Your partnership is far from a cliche.Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to [email protected] (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions. Continue reading...

Comments

Health news

First ever National Exhibition Event for Scottish Disability Sport to take place

REVEALED: From cancer to arthritis, how drug companies are selling treatments for 1,000 times what they cost to make - and the crippling cost to the NHS

1 day ago

Tortured by acid reflux? Now a tiny 'cube' could banish the problem for ever, as one patient tells us: 'I finally feel normal again!'

1 day ago

Woman charged with murder in stabbing of a paramedic during ambulance ride

Comments

Health news

First ever National Exhibition Event for Scottish Disability Sport to take place

Decision looming for Trump administration on first PFAS drinking water limits

Woman ‘contracts incurable disease’ at karaoke bar after ‘holding microphone too close to her face’

From tiredness to unexplained bruising – the 11 signs of blood cancer as The Alarm singer Mike Peters dies at 66

Lawyer says there's one word liars always use and it's a 'huge giveaway'

Letters: The BBC in England understands the value of soaps. Why can't BBC Scotland?

Suspected drug deaths in Scotland up by 17 per cent, new figures show

Bogota fights heroin overdoses with South America's only supervised drug consumption room

Snoring should improve if you add spoonful of one ingredient to your bedtime routine

How your eyes could reveal if you have ADHD – plus 9 signs of the condition to look out for

Dietician shares reason weight loss stops suddenly - and how to start again

Bride-to-be, 46, left ‘absolutely broken’ after fiancé, 45, dies hours before their wedding

Chemicals used in cosmetics and household goods linked to 350,000 deaths every year, warn experts

The simple daily habit to boost your brain and prevent Alzheimer’s revealed by scientists

The 8 drugs you should NEVER take past their use-by date to avoid surprise pregnancy, horror infections – & even death

'I noticed eight symptoms before blood cancer diagnosis – never ignore key signs'

Actor Saiorse Ronan on sharing joy

The government suggests defunding the 988 suicide hotline for LGBTQ+ youth

Paralyzed man with ALS is third to receive NeuraLink implant, can type with brain

Ohio tattoo shop helps trauma and abuse survivors transform scars into art

Lab Animals Face Being Euthanized as Trump Cuts Research

UK welfare cuts to plunge thousands of disabled children into poverty

I'm a radio show host and being a friend to a late night caller saved their life

What sleep experts say about kids and melatonin

Symptoms of bird flu everyone needs to know as experts warn public to prepare for a pandemic NOW

I thought I was a 36D – until a bra expert told me I was way off (and totally changed how I shop)

Could erectile dysfunction be cured by gadget on iPhone or three other advanced treatments?

'I'm a dog nutritionist - you are missing a trick if you're not feeding this to your pet'

Alcoholic drink which is good for your heart & cuts your cardiac arrest risk revealed

Chemical in cosmetic goods behind 350,000 heart disease deaths per YEAR

Coffee can cut diabetes risk if you make one change, experts say

'Red flag' symptom that could be a sign of stroke or meningitis

Healthy-looking teens ‘may be at risk of heart disease’ due to danger of popular foods and drinks

Popular party drug is ‘heroin of a generation’ – as doctors issue urgent warning over devastating side effects

Male workers should be able to carry out mammograms, experts say

Experts find 'new and more accurate way' of detecting prostate cancer - and it's easier than getting a blood test

Baby food pouches fail to give infants the nutrients they need, experts reveal

Experts issue terrifying warning to America: Prepare for pandemic NOW as new virus spreads to all 50 States

REVEALED: From cancer to arthritis, how drug companies are selling treatments for 1,000 times what they cost to make - and the crippling cost to the NHS

Tortured by acid reflux? Now a tiny 'cube' could banish the problem for ever, as one patient tells us: 'I finally feel normal again!'

Woman charged with murder in stabbing of a paramedic during ambulance ride

‘Abortion pill’ found to have ‘severe adverse effects’ for 1 in 10 women, study finds

Plans to extend sugar tax to milkshakes

Autism community advocate reacts to RFK Jr. autism announcement

Bolly good! How bubbly may cut the risk of heart trouble

Alternative cancer treatment could replace chemo and surgery, study suggests

A severe autism advocate responds to RFK Jr.'s research initiative

HHS may cut 988 suicide hotline for LGBTQ+ youth

Woman 'contracts incurable disease at karaoke bar after holding mic too close to her face'

Scientists discover disturbing 'unexpected' side effect of new mRNA jab

I’m peeing all the time and it’s agony – feels like a burning sensation. Is it my prostate?

Eight horrifying side-effects of tablets to reverse male baldness ‘revealed’ by nation’s drug watchdog

Deborah loved geeky science and she would have been so proud of Bowelbabe lab, say family as unit is named in her honour

Startling maps reveal when you'll die based on where you live

Exercise can prevent cognitive decline even when energy lags, researchers discover

Prostate cancer could be detected early with ‘painless’ test that can be done at home, say researchers

Mosquito-borne disease that causes bleeding and organ failure could erupt sparking a pandemic, warn scientists

How to help someone struggling with their mental health

Why is morning light so important?

How to make sure gaming is good for your mental health