As A Care Leaver, I Found Jennifer Aniston's Adoption Comments Refreshing

Jennifer AnistonWriting for HuffPost in 2016, Friends star Jennifer Aniston said: “We are complete with or without a mate, with or without a child”.And in a recent episode of Armchair Expert, the actor and producer, who has since opened up about her decision not to have kids following IVF treatment, explained more about her stance on adoption. ″When people say, ‘But you can adopt’... I don’t want to adopt,” she said. “I want my own DNA in a little person. That’s the only way, selfish or not, whatever that is, I’ve wanted it.” As someone who was in the care system, I personally feel that the decision was definitely not selfish. In fact, I found the A-lister’s clarity and compassion deeply refreshing. This honesty is key to the best outcomes for kidsIn one of my favourite TV shows, Superstore, the character Glenn is a foster dad.And in the episode Mannequin, he said he and his wife “always wanted a baby of our own. I mean, foster children are a blessing, but it’s as if you’ve been driving used cars your whole life. “Just once, it would be nice to experience a brand-new one straight from the factory that hasn’t been all dinged up, you know?” It’s a harsh line – and one I don’t actually think reflects the character very well – but I feel it shows what can happen when you turn to adoption or fostering as a “second-best” alternative to having a biological child, when that is not at all what the processes are for.Being honest with yourself about what kind of dynamic you want with a child is key to preventing regrets like these, which are not victimless.“Adoptive parent” is a specific relationship, and not, as it’s sometimes presented, a “cure” for infertility, or a “second-best” backup to biological parenting.And, the National Council for Adoption (NCA) says, adoption will not automatically cure the grief or loss linked to not having the biological family you wanted.In fact, they add, “some adoption agencies require that families with a history of infertility wait at least one year to process infertility grief before adopting.” That’s because adoptive (and foster) parents should want to be adoptive or foster parents first and foremost.Both relationships require specific skills, and both should centre the child’s needs and not the adult’s – perceived “dings”, even ones like open adoption, which separate your role from that of a biological parent, very much included.That’s why I find Jennifer’s comments so refreshingWhen you adopt a child, you also “adopt” things most biological parents don’t have to think about.The NCA said, “Consider the differences in parenting an adopted child, such as maintaining birth family relationships, having different genetic histories, and possibly parenting a child of a different race or culture.” Neglecting to think about these is all too common among parents who turned to adoption or fostering as the “second best” option to having a biological child, in my experience and in that of my friends who are adopted or fostered. The hard, but ultimately responsible and adult, task is to be honest with yourself about your expectations of parenthood – even during the doubtless painful realisation that those expectations may never be fulfilled. It sounds like Jennifer Aniston has done an amazing job with that. And, for being so frank about her own feelings, she’s proven herself not to be “selfish” at all.Related...Jennifer Aniston Fears That Toxic Tabloid Culture Has Now Shifted To Social MediaWe've Raised Over 100 Children, This Is The Best Thing About Being A Foster CarerI Didn't Know If I Was Ready For Kids. Then I Became A Single Foster Dad At 27.

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