'I Cancelled My Daughter's 16th After She Made This Joke. Did I Go Too Far?'

You’re reading Between Us, a place for parents to offload and share their tricky parenting dilemmas. Share your parenting dilemma here and we’ll seek advice from experts.A mum has revealed she cancelled her daughter’s 16th birthday bash after her teenager made a rude comment about her in front of her ex and his family.The 39-year-old said she has a daughter from a previous marriage – she split from her ex a decade ago, however they kept things cordial for the sake of their child. “I’ve been the main parent, doctor visits, school stuff, everything. Her dad sees her like once a month, and when he does, it’s all Disneyland dad vibes,” said the parent on Reddit.The mum said she was planning a “huge” 16th birthday party for her daughter – we’re talking caterer, DJ, venue, the works. That was until her teenager made a comment about her that went down like a lead balloon.“We were at her dad’s house for some brunch thing his wife threw,” recalled the parent.“I only went because my daughter asked me to. At some point, someone jokes about how much she looks like her dad, and she goes: ‘Yeah, guess I got lucky. Especially since she’s not even my real mom.’ And points to me.“Everyone laughed. Her dad laughed. His wife laughed. Even her grandparents laughed. I just sat there like… what?”The parent said she told her daughter they’d talk later – and they did. When she pressed her daughter as to why she’d said it, her teen said it “was just a joke” and that she needed to “lighten up”.Enraged, the mum said: “Cool. Then I guess you don’t need me to throw you a party, since I’m not really your mom anyway.”And she wasn’t bluffing. The angry parent said she’s cancelled everything. “I told her she can ask her real parents for a party,” she added.Was the reaction too extreme?Well, her ex and his family, as well as her own sister, thinks she’s gone too far. “Her dad’s calling me bitter. His wife had the nerve to DM [direct message] me and say I’m emotionally punishing my daughter. Even my sister thinks I should’ve just grounded her or something instead,” said the parent.“But I’m sorry, you humiliate me in front of people who disrespected me for years, and then act like I’m the one in the wrong? Nah.”People agreed that she was in the right here. One Redditor responded: “You’re not the asshole. Her comment was disrespectful, and cancelling the party was a way to set boundaries. You’ve done so much for her, and she needs to understand that respect goes both ways.”Another commenter suggested the mum should speak to her daughter about where this behaviour is coming from. “Like are they constantly making jokes about you when you’re not around, or is this a one time occurrence? I think maybe something deeper is going on,” they added.What do therapists think?Psychotherapist James Lloyd said it “makes sense” that the mum might have felt hurt and wanted to set a boundary around what’s acceptable. But at the same time, “cancelling the party might feel like a disproportionate response to a single incident, especially for [an almost] 16-year-old who’s still learning how to navigate emotions and relationships”.Family therapist Fiona Yassin acknowledged that we don’t know the full backstory here. That said, she doesn’t think cancelling the party was a “useful teaching moment”.“Every situation can offer learning, but modelling calm, communicative, and curious responses is far more valuable than making blanket decisions,” she told HuffPost UK.“The key is to stay engaged and interested in why the young person said what they did – and to explore that with them.“There’s an important lesson we can teach children here: jokes are only jokes if everyone is laughing. If only some people — or just one person — find it funny, it’s often not humour; it can be something else entirely.”How to deal when your teen disrespects you“We often hear children say things like, ‘I wish I wasn’t yours,’ ‘I’m not like you,’ or ‘I wish you weren’t my mum’,” said Yassin, who is clinical director of The Wave Clinic. In these instances, she suggested engaging with a family therapist to explore what’s hurting both the parent and child can be an effective step to prevent hurt and resentment from going into something bigger.Knee-jerk reactions – like cancelling a birthday party – are not necessarily the best route to take either, said Yassin.“It’s useful to acknowledge that acting on intense emotions rarely leads to a desired outcome,” she added.“A helpful rule of thumb is: when emotions run high, take a step back. Write down what you might do in response or retaliation and give yourself a set time to come back to it. Revisit that reaction — does it still feel appropriate?“Sometimes, when we react strongly to something, we’re not just reacting to what’s happening in that moment, we’re responding to all the other times we’ve felt similarly. If mum has experienced similar feelings throughout her life, those emotions can resurface and intensify her reaction in the present.”Try to unpick where these comments come fromFor those in a similar situation, where their teen has said something hurtful to them – or about them – Lloyd recommended having a meaningful conversation, “not just about why the comment was hurtful, but also what might have been going on underneath it”.“Sometimes, remarks that sting are covering over sadness, fear, or a sense of being left out,” he added. “Opening that dialogue with curiosity rather than punishment can help shift things.”While it can be painful to fall out with a loved one, it can also be a good opportunity to grow closer, added the therapist, “especially if both sides are open to repair and understanding”.He concluded: “You might have heard of the concept in Japanese culture called Kintsugi, where broken pottery is repaired with gold, making the cracks part of the story rather than something to hide.“The idea is that something can become more beautiful for having been broken and repaired. That can be a helpful lens in parenting too, missteps and hurt feelings aren’t the end, but moments that can deepen connection if handled with care.”Related...'I Refused To Give My Siblings Any Of Our Grandma's Inheritance. Am I Wrong?'‘Where’s My Village?’: Millennial Parents Say Grandparents Are Missing In Action'My Husband Said We'd Split Childcare, Now He Wants Me To Be A Stay-At-Home Mum'

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