I Spent Years Moving Through Life Exhausted. I Never Knew The Reason – Until I Saw The Same Struggles In My Kids

The author's two sons enjoying a day at the aquarium.After my eldest son was diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder, everything in my life shifted to revolve around him. His needs, his future, and his environment were all I could think about. To show up for him, I had to learn a new language: how to correct with empathy, how to show more than tell, how to make sure he understood without talking down to him, and how to listen. It’s one thing to fight for your children to be understood and heard, but it’s quite another to recognise that you spent years being misunderstood yourself. In my 20s, I spent a lot of time “fixing” myself. I found it challenging to stick with a plan, organise, and balance work and life expectations. I had a hard time paying attention to details or prioritising tasks, often getting sidetracked by another task that took up less brain space. I had trouble with social performance, finding myself utterly exhausted after networking and following a social script. All these challenges made it seem like I was careless or flighty. It felt like everyone was excelling in areas that I found emotionally exhausting and it was nearly impossible to keep up. I thought I needed to push harder, do more.I sped through books about organisation and focus. I even paid a hypnotist to help train my brain. I worked harder, stayed up later, and chastised myself for not getting it right. Overwhelm and exhaustion became my normal.And despite my commitment, everyday tasks drained me in ways that I couldn’t fully explain. Noise made me anxious; sudden changes agitated me. But I had no framework for what I was experiencing. The word “neurodivergent”, describing the various ways people processed information, hadn’t yet gained traction during my college years. And although I was familiar with terms like ADD (attention-deficit disorder), I didn’t see it in myself. I assumed it only applied to children, and back then, I wasn’t around people who talked about what happened when those children grew up. Those feelings bled into my 30s. Fortunately, freelancing as a writer and editor gave me some relief. I was good with hard deadlines – even if task paralysis kicked in until the countdown was on. Nonetheless, I finally felt like I found my rhythm.But as my kids grew older, they demanded more from me. Each one had very different needs. There was no one-size-fits-all way of parenting, let alone parenting kids with diverse ways of learning. Additionally, life demanded more from me. I was trying to build a business and maintain a full-time job. Organising, planning and managing my own emotions were crucial parts of helping the household run smoother, but it was challenging to keep all of it going continuously. It seemed like, at each step, all of my shortcomings threw a wrench in creating family structure. I had to figure out how to balance their needs and my own. By the time my youngest son received an autism diagnosis, I thought I knew what to expect. I knew what autism looked like, had learned more about executive function, sensory differences, special interests and masking. This time, I noticed similarities not just between my boys, but between them and me.I remember reading an article about stimming and having an “Aha!” moment. Stimming can be a repetitive verbal or physical cue that helps neurodivergent people self-soothe. While my eldest son would rock, I’d break out into song. He obsessed over numbers; I watched the same movie, same scene, over and over. He covered his ears at loud sounds; I’d get easily annoyed by the “too buzzy” hum of electricity. When I picked through childhood memories, I found many other traits that signalled neurodivergence. I grew out of some of them, but others – like my sensitivity to some textures – are things I avoid today.While I was prepared with a list of specialists and programs we’d exhausted with the first son, this time autism looked different. The eldest was hyperlexic while the youngest struggles with communication and reading. Each shared little parts of me – stimming, special interests – but had their own unique challenges. As I carved out a way to show up for each of them in different ways, I also made a conscious decision to create space for myself. I couldn’t be a good parent if I was constantly overwhelmed. I had to purposefully create little moments of joy for myself, celebrating and protecting little wins. I learned that I wasn’t just my kids’ advocate, but my own. When I was finally diagnosed with attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), I felt settled. Naming my challenges felt powerful and purposeful.I learned that many mothers find out they are neurodivergent after their kids are diagnosed. According to the National Library of Medicine, in almost half of households where one child has ADHD, at least one parent also has it. Not only is ADHD, in particular, hereditary, but it’s also common for girls and women to go undiagnosed until motherhood. The responsibilities of parenthood can push those undiagnosed symptoms to the front.Parenting neurodivergent children forced me to hold up a mirror to myself. It showed me when I was wearing a mask and that, in certain situations, I expected my kids to wear that same ill-fitting mask, too. When one of my boys would avoid eye contact, I’d correct them, even when it was clearly uncomfortable for them. I also redirected any stimming, spending each moment trying to stifle the ways they sought to self-soothe. I learned that I was doing more harm than good. Instead of raising boys that were confident, I was creating little people who were self-critical and uncomfortable in their own skin. It was important for us to unmask. Instead of forcing them to do things that were clearly uncomfortable, I let them breathe. Sometimes they rock, tip-toe or elope, and that’s part of who they are. When they look in the mirror, I want them to accept themselves fully.For the past five years, I’ve been unlearning patterns and moving past survival. I mask less and have built healthier, slower routines with purpose. I realised I can’t teach my boys not to be hard on themselves if I’m still hard on myself. When my oldest son mentioned that he wasn’t sure what career would be right for someone with autism, I thought about the importance of mentorship and representation. What does success look like for people like him? What does happiness look like for kids like mine? I began researching neurodivergent people who had created their own paths to happiness, and found that on those journeys, many of them also carved out a path to success. The research became a special interest and, eventually, a book. Writing became one of my favourite tools for managing executive function. I learned to pair mundane tasks with something rewarding. This interest-based motivation is something I’m baking into the very fabric of our family. For example, folding laundry is boring, so we pair it with a reward like extra screen time or a favourite show playing in the background. We try to make things meaningful, which helps our boys get the task done.The truth is, I’m still learning. There are hard days and with a house filled with neurodivergent kids and adults, challenges pop up all the time. Advocacy can be draining, but it’s worth it. My kids gave me a new language that I try to use in all situations. They also gave me the courage and permission to claim it as my own. The mirror is still a little dirty sometimes, and maybe the reflection isn’t always what I want to see, but I’m able to see myself clearly now. And I hope that one day each of my boys learn to see themselves clearly, too. Margeaux Weston is a neurodivergent mom to three busy boys, an editor, and an author. She’s written several nonfiction books for young readers, including “The Story of Fannie Lou Hamer,” “African American History for Kids,” and “Everything But Typical” (Bloomsbury), a middle grade book celebrating neurodivergent changemakers. When she’s not writing, she’s at a festival, with family, or reading. Find her on Instagram @AuthorMargeaux or at margeauxweston.com.Do you have a compelling personal story you’d like to see published on HuffPost? Find out what we’re looking for here and send us a pitch at [email protected] Run An Assessment Clinic – Here Are 7 Signs Of Autism To Spot In ChildrenA Parent Told Me 'Everyone Seems To Have Autism These Days' – Here's What I Want Them To KnowMeltdowns In Kids With AuDHD Are Never 'A Choice'. This 1 Response Can Help

Comments

Breaking news

I Don't Have Time For My Friends. What Can I Do?

Huffpost uk

The best beauty advent calendars for 2025 - reviewed and rated by our beauty editor, these are the brands you can save thousands on

about 3 hours ago

Dailymail

Convicted murderer admits killing his pregnant girlfriend by stabbing her 19 times after being released from 'life sentence' on licence

about 3 hours ago

Dailymail

Putin mocks Trump with new strikes on Ukraine after Zelensky failed to win promise on Tomahawk missiles from US president

about 3 hours ago

Dailymail

Civil servant wins £1million in Omaze draw and vows to replace his rusty old camper van to go travelling

about 3 hours ago

Dailymail

Hamas releases body of 75-year-old hostage who they murdered on October 7 - as Israel says they will 'spare no effort' until all hostage's bodes are returned

about 3 hours ago

Dailymail

Paris Fury says she's not 'comfortable' with becoming a grandmother in her 30s if newly engaged daughter Venezuela, 16, starts a family right away - as she reveals timeline for the wedding

about 3 hours ago

Dailymail

The exact products you need to take ten years off your face: You's beauty editor ROSIE GREEN reveals the secrets behind this 90-year-old's extraordinary makeover

about 3 hours ago

Dailymail

'I am so overwhelmed by chilli heat I can barely breathe.' TOM PARKER BOWLES tries a TikTok viral chicken shop in London and finds 'no pleasure, just pain'

about 3 hours ago

Trump only one who can force Putin to negotiating table, Finnish president tells BBC

BBC News

Comments

Breaking news

I Don't Have Time For My Friends. What Can I Do?

My Best Friend And I Are Straight Married Men, And We Tell Each Other 'I Love You'

Jury shown video of asylum seeker ‘dancing after stabbing hotel worker to death’

Kremlin pitches £6,000,000,000 ‘peace bridge’ between Russia and America

Pregnant woman killed by abusive boyfriend who had already murdered before

Chinese Nobel Prize-winning physicist Chen Ning Yang dies at 103

Prince Andrew latest: Royal gives up all titles including Duke of York after King Charles discussion

Israel identifies remains of another hostage handed over by Hamas

Search for missing pensioner who vanished after boarding Glasgow bus

Scots dad wins £1m Omaze prize draw and plans treat wife to lifetime holiday

Apple MacBook plummets £670 days after new M5 chip model unveiled

Mike Tindall got last laugh after wife Zara branded him an 'idiot' for £12,000 purchase

Prince Andrew's ex-wife Sarah Ferguson's new title revealed as he loses all his

Exact two penny coin worth £1,000 but it must feature rare little-known detail

Moment Omaze winner becomes instant millionaire after 'normal friday night'

Where the 'most beautiful girl in world' is now after viral fame and controversy

BRIAN READE: Ignored and failed, no wonder ordinary young Brits are depressed

Budget airliner hurtles towards sea at 300mph seconds after take off

People can't stop 'freaking out' after turning viral image upside down

Zara Tindall hatched brutal plan after husband Mike Tindall’s 4am drunken antics

Skeletal woman 'locked in bedroom for 27 YEARS' utters three chilling words when found

Corrie star confesses 'I'm a lady magnet and I've hung out with Johnny Depp'

4 Rejections, 1 bribe: The true, chaotic story of The Beatles breaking the US

'I was forced to watch my wife be gang raped by seven men - it was three hours of hell'

Lidl give urgent alert to shoppers over item 'unsafe to eat as it may contain metal'

Doctor says adding key foods to your diet can help relieve menopause symptoms

DWP reveals date it will start looking at bank accounts and who will be affected

Michelle Keegan’s must-have tan leather jacket is still in stock at this high street store

Prince Harry's decision 'horrified' huge royal who then ignored him

Little Ant and Dec after Saturday Night Takeaway with unbelievable muscles and new jobs

Trump deploys secretive 'Night Stalkers' regiment as Venezuela mobilizes MILLIONS of troops raising fears of all-out war

The best beauty advent calendars for 2025 - reviewed and rated by our beauty editor, these are the brands you can save thousands on

Convicted murderer admits killing his pregnant girlfriend by stabbing her 19 times after being released from 'life sentence' on licence

Putin mocks Trump with new strikes on Ukraine after Zelensky failed to win promise on Tomahawk missiles from US president

Civil servant wins £1million in Omaze draw and vows to replace his rusty old camper van to go travelling

Hamas releases body of 75-year-old hostage who they murdered on October 7 - as Israel says they will 'spare no effort' until all hostage's bodes are returned

Paris Fury says she's not 'comfortable' with becoming a grandmother in her 30s if newly engaged daughter Venezuela, 16, starts a family right away - as she reveals timeline for the wedding

The exact products you need to take ten years off your face: You's beauty editor ROSIE GREEN reveals the secrets behind this 90-year-old's extraordinary makeover

'I am so overwhelmed by chilli heat I can barely breathe.' TOM PARKER BOWLES tries a TikTok viral chicken shop in London and finds 'no pleasure, just pain'

Trump only one who can force Putin to negotiating table, Finnish president tells BBC

How nervous are investors about the stock market?

Chinese Nobel laureate and physicist Chen Ning Yang dies aged 103

Psychology and cricket - meet India's latest batting star

A Photographer Captures Jewish Life Before and After the Holocaust

Full list of 41 New Look stores closing down in 2025

6 Ways To Sleep Better With SAD (According To A GP)

No One Knew I Was Trans In College. Then I Joined A Fraternity – And It Taught Me How To Be A Man

Adults Share Some Of The Creepiest Things Kids Have Said To Them – And Honestly, We're Terrified

Tim Curry Spills Cringey Moments With Donald And Ivana Trump During ‘Home Alone 2’

Selena Gomez Says She Spiraled After Wedding, Thinking 'It Could All Go Away Tomorrow'

Rosie O'Donnell Names This Beloved Celebrity As 1 Of Her Worst Talk Show Guests

Afghan and Pakistani delegations head to Doha for crisis talks

Israel identifies the remains of one more hostage

Gen Z protests against corruption and inequality are shaking Morocco. Here's what to know

Voices: ‘Discarded like a used tissue’: Readers on how ageism is forcing over-50s out of work

Heavy security after deadly violence in Kenya as thousands turn out to mourn former PM Odinga

Pneumonia symptoms explained as NHS urges people with four signs to go to hospital

Hamas returns remains of 10th Israeli hostage from Gaza

'Victory for Virginia,' says family of Prince Andrew's accuser - as royal gives up all his titles

Mike Tindall refused Princess Anne's brutal request before his wedding to Zara