I'm The 65-Year-Old Parent Of A Transgender Daughter. I Never Expected I'd Be Helping Her Flee The Country

When our son was born in 1996, I was filled with a love I’d never known before. I loved my wife and other members of our family, but this was different.We knew then (as we still know now) that our love for this being would be forever. No conditions, no restrictions, no imposed agenda. Unconditional love and support as long as I lived was the contract I made then and there. In those first days, I watched as my wife lovingly bathed him, nursed him and provided all kinds of loving care at all hours of the day and night. I would learn what it meant to be a father ― to change his diapers, to feed him in the middle of the night, to rock and hold him until he fell asleep, and to look with love deep into his eyes.Over the years, my role as a dad would shift, and I’d make my share of mistakes, but always from a place of love (even through some of my own anger or frustration) and the intention of being the best dad I could be. And I’d marvel at what a wonderful mother my wife was. We both loved our child and would do anything for him. In the ensuing years, we shared special moments with our son, including so many great one-on-one father-and-son times, family trips and times just laughing around our house about something silly. This is also not to say that there weren’t many times where we would get sideways for all the reasons things can go south when dealing with a tantruming toddler, a petulant pre-teen, a boundary-testing teenager or a newly liberated college student. But all those times, the good and the not-so-fun, are what make up the whole of your relationship and bond with your child. Working through some of the toughest times is what brings a deep connection. Through the adolescent years, we knew our child wasn’t the traditionally manly-man type of male. But nor was he the stereotypical idea of “girly.” He was just who he was in his own shade of unique and gender-neutral gray. And we loved him as he was, without feeling we needed to change him. We felt that our role as parents was not to tell him what he needed to be, but rather to give him the love, space and support to become who he truly was.After college, when he’d moved out on his own, he came to visit our home and announced that he was transitioning. He had come to realise that in his heart and soul, he was female, not male. This was not new for him. Though he knew he’d been assigned as male at birth, that’s not something that was true for him as he, now she, looked deep within herself. She was a woman, not a man. Outsiders, even in the intimate role of parents, cannot genuinely know what’s inside someone else. The only place this realisation can take place is deep within each of us. Some fight the truth of this realisation, and too often battle with depression or end regrettably in suicide, which can occur when loved ones reject someone in their family who is transitioning. And others continue to find a way to live in a publicly performed lie out of fear or shame. Those who accept and embrace their realisation often have a difficult journey that requires great courage to swim against the current of who they’ve been told they are or are supposed to be. Yet after this period requiring great strength to come into their own, they often find happiness.As you might imagine, our daughter’s revelation came as somewhat of a shock to us as parents, but in some ways, it wasn’t. We quickly learned that our now-daughter wanted to be called “she” or “they,” and had a new name of her own choosing. We lovingly listened and gave space to her as she shared all that led up to her transition and what it meant to her. She also let us know that she was getting ready to start taking oestrogen and testosterone blockers under a doctor’s supervision and therapeutic support. She shared that she didn’t know yet whether she would ever want the “bottom surgery” to complete the physical transition, but that decision was down this new, unpaved road. When she was done, we expressed our support and love for her. I believe we told her that it would take some time to take all this in and integrate it. I also recall that we shared our concerns for her safety, as the world might feel differently about her transition. And though I can’t remember if we said it at this point or later, we let her know that we admired her courage for being who she is and not choosing an easy path. Although I realise it is not the same thing, this discussion brought home my own struggles of being who I wanted to be. For so much of my adult life, I worked in a family business. I’d once told people at a conference, when asked what I did for a living, that I “fulfilled everyone’s expectations of me.” I knew what it was like to worry about others and what they wanted of me instead of being true to myself. That reflection simply reinforced for me the courage my young daughter had to be herself. For the next months, we respected our daughter’s privacy and decision to go through hormone therapy before coming out on her own timetable. This gave me time to ask myself questions like ― what does this say about me as a parent? Did I not do enough to make my son into a man? Should I have forced her to play sports? Was my parenting not firm or strong enough? Had I failed her in my duties as a father? I was grateful to have a supportive life partner and co-parent as we waded through these new waters together. It didn’t take long to realise I had not failed her at all. Perhaps it was quite the opposite. Instead of imposing my social conditioning on her and strong-arming her into being something society said she should be, I gave her love, support, space, safety, perspective, guidance, humour, kindness, compassion and more to be able to come to this beautiful place of self-awareness and self-actualisation on her own. I’d helped to raise someone comfortable in who she was, what she wanted to be and how she wanted to live her life. I must admit that this part of my journey included some grief. I started to become aware of a feeling of loss ― I had, in a sense, lost the son I knew. Yet I was also gaining a daughter. I couldn’t dismiss the feelings of loss for the times we’d shared as father and son, but had I really lost anything? The child who’s now my daughter is still the same person. Our life moving forward was likely to be different in many ways, but those wonderful memories with my son remain. When she was ready to come out as trans, we sat down and talked with her and our younger child, our son, who was a high school senior at the time. Our daughter gave us the go-ahead to share with others beyond our inner circle, only to hear our youngest say that he’d already shared this news with friends and teachers at our local school, at which I was the chair of the school board.Trepidation quickly turned into relief as he shared how his sharing this news about his sister’s transition went down. One of his friends said (paraphrased), “I thought you had a brother?” To which our son replied, “I did have a brother, but now she’s my sister.” The friend replied, “Oh, OK.” How wonderful that our son’s generation seemed to take this all in stride and it was not a big deal. Over the years since she shared her decision to transition, I’m so proud of her in so many ways. From working hard to establish herself in her job and career to how she came out and gained the respect of her co-workers to becoming financially self-sufficient, she’s most parents’ dream for their child. But to me, the most wonderful change is how happy she is being who she really is. Unfortunately, those warm feelings are now coupled with an increased concern for her safety and well-being. Awareness of people who are trans is still relatively new in our culture. As such, there’s a great deal of misunderstanding about what it all means and, sadly, quite a bit of projection by those who clearly don’t agree with or support this, which has stirred hatred, physical harm and a threatening environment. One of the things that was so helpful to me as a parent was education. As I’ve come to learn, it’s not fair or respectful to expect the one trans person you know to educate you on what it means and all that goes along with being trans. Education is something that requires each of us to be responsible enough to do our own homework. Through organisations like The Trevor Project, an amazing online resource, and books like “He/She/They,” by Schuyler Bailar, I’ve come to better understand so many facets of being transgender. Regrettably, too many people in our society are relying on what those in power or some biased media outlets are telling them about trans people. The most important thing I’ve learned is that most trans people just want to be safe and be able to live their lives in peace and as much happiness as possible. They don’t want to be in your face. They just want to know they can go to the bathroom and not be harassed or have violence done to them. As the change has come in the recent political winds, I find myself more and more worried for my daughter’s safety. Whether it’s for political ends, or whether it’s someone saying hateful things in the name of Jesus, who I know promoted love, acceptance and non-judgment, trans people are increasingly and justifiably worried. More laws are going on the books or being proposed to restrict the rights and liberties of trans people. It’s hard to know what it means in both the short- and long-term for trans Americans. We can’t wait to see how this plays out when it might become “too late” for our daughter. I never thought I’d have to think about my daughter fleeing this country for her safety. But history has informed us about what can happen, and we can’t ignore the possibilities. Now my wife and I find ourselves trying to come up with a safety plan for our daughter, something I never thought I’d have to do in the “land of the free.” At this writing, we’re exploring ways that she could transfer within her company to another country. We’re looking at the potential of helping her get into a graduate school program elsewhere. And we’re looking for what countries will take her in if she has to flee. It breaks my heart to think about being apart from my daughter, but it bothers me more to think she might not be safe in this country that we’ve always called home.I hope by now that you understand the deep love I feel for my daughter. I hope you see how much I support her being who she is and happy. I hope you know how much I respect the courage it’s taken for her to be who she is.If you don’t understand what I’ve shared because this is not your reality, you’ve heard things that contradict what I’ve written, or you believe being transgender is wrong for whatever reason, my question to you is simply this – what if it were your son or daughter?The author of this piece is writing under the pseudonym “A Loving Father.”Do you have a compelling personal story you’d like to see published on HuffPost? Find out what we’re looking for here and send us a pitch at [email protected] and support: The Gender Trust supports anyone affected by gender identity | 01527 894 838Mermaids offers information, support, friendship and shared experiences for young people with gender identity issues | 0208 1234819LGBT Youth Scotland is the largest youth and community-based organisation for LGBT people in Scotland. Text 07786 202 370Gires provides information for trans people, their families and professionals who care for them | 01372 801554Depend provides support, advice and information for anyone who knows, or is related to, a transsexual person in the UKRelated...I Work With Grandparents Of Trans Kids. I'm Constantly Stunned By What I Hear Them Say.'We Need To Move The Conversation On From Bathrooms,' Trans Advocacy Group SaysSupreme Court Ruling Is Anything But Clear – And Endangers All Women's Rights, Trans Group Warns

Comments

Breaking news

Erin Patterson found guilty of murdering her three in-laws with death cap mushrooms

Metro

Lando Norris revels in 'dream come true' British Grand Prix win, while furious team-mate Oscar Piastri insists he 'deserved more' at Silverstone

about 2 hours ago

Justin Bieber's four-word message to his wife Hailey after posting alarming 'detox' selfie

Dailymail

Inside the turbulent relationship between Princess Diana's mother and grandmother which saw the pair clash in court

Dailymail

Comments

Similar News

Bridge in rural Stirling fully re-opened to traffic following £1.2m project

I'm Tinder's most swiped man with 48,000 likes - but I found love offline

I lost two stone on Mounjaro and I'm terrified of putting it back on - this is the scientifically backed diet experts have told me will let me eat MORE and stay slim...

John Deere Classic 2025: Full Breakdown $8.4M Purse, Brian Campbell Claims 2nd Victory

Beshear: I'm Thinking About a 2028 Presidential Run

'I'm married to a pilot - I have to do one thing every morning'

I'm an Autopsy Tech, Here Are 6 Things You Should Never Do—Trust Me

I'm a 61-year-old beauty expert, these are the 7 ways to anti-age your arms and slim down your 'bingo wings' - in just one week

KENNEDY: The most vile celebrities I've ever met, including an A-list actor who called me a m*****f*****. These narcissists can't get away with it... I'm naming names

I'm a female pilot - this is the phrase I use to get the passengers' attention

I'm A First-Time Dad – I Can't Stop Buying These Colourful Clothes For My Kid

'I'm An Ethical Travel Expert – Here's How To Avoid Overtourism On Your Next Holiday'

How to wear red this summer including £17 M&S alternative to pricey designer T-shirt

The chilling moment Lisa realised her cop lover was using the state's CCTV cameras to SPY on her: 'Wave to the cameras - I'm watching you'

'I'm the director of the Cavern Club and Adele's gig there blew my mind!' Jon Keats reveals legendary tales from The Beatles' Liverpool home: From a surprise visit from The Fonz and even a rumoured show by Jimi Hendrix'

Breaking news

Erin Patterson found guilty of murdering her three in-laws with death cap mushrooms

Man, 31, arrested after teenager ‘raped’ in public toilet on Bournemouth Beach

3 Signs You're Using Charity Shops As A Guilt-Free Skip

Julian McMahon, Nip/Tuck And Charmed Star, Dies At 56

Michael Douglas Reveals Why He's Chosen To Take A Step Back From Acting

Does Cheese Cause Nightmares? It Might If You Have This Condition

Starmer Facing Fresh Labour Revolt As Minister Fails To Deny Special Needs Are 'On The Chopping Block'

Zayn Malik Calls Out Racism He Experienced During His Time In One Direction

Pope speaks about childhood and early mornings as an altar boy

How a family’s beef wellington lunch ended with three dead and a mother guilty of murder

Wimbledon's expansion plan heads to court while facing opposition from local residents

An unclear motive and a media frenzy: The mushroom murder trial, explained

Pamplona holds opening bull run during San Fermín festival

Scientists discover 3,500-year-old lost city in Peru that rivalled Ancient Egypt

Woman ‘loses arm’ in lion attack at Australian zoo

India’s air pollution crisis found linked to rising pre-term births and low birth weight

Erin Patterson trial latest: Mushroom lunch killer found guilty of murdering in-laws

Starmer braced for fresh rebellion over reforms to special needs support

Pilot's harrowing final three words before plane plummeted into ocean killing all 228 on board

Tories set to call for PIP face-to-face assessments on all claims as part of new DWP reforms

Rural roads clean-up moves on to Hamilton area this week

Dentist fined £150,000 for keeping patients' teeth too clean

Mushroom poisoner found guilty after lunch killed three of estranged husband’s relatives

British teen jailed in Dubai over 'holiday fling' freed after royal pardon

'I was next to 7/7 bomber and about to ask five-word question before world changed'

Diver 'died' 300ft underwater after losing oxygen but what happened next defied science

Brits reach record levels of burnout as GPs urge workforce to make one major change

'I nearly cancelled smear test out of embarrassment, but something made me go'

Mount Lewotobi LIVE: Volcano erupts spewing toxic ash cloud 63,000ft into sky

'I started one habit to avoid drinking too much and it cost me my teeth'

'Superdiet' that combines two healthy plans slashes dementia risk

7/7 London bombing survivor says Britain's terror threat 'worse now than 20 years ago'

'I found myself in Downing Street on 7/7, a day none of us would forget'

'I was told my headaches I had for 10 years were sinusitis - then my world fell apart'

AI is the ‘best business partner’ says youngest self-made female billionaire

Philadelphia shooting: Three killed after hundreds of shots fired at street party

Lando Norris revels in 'dream come true' British Grand Prix win, while furious team-mate Oscar Piastri insists he 'deserved more' at Silverstone

Justin Bieber's four-word message to his wife Hailey after posting alarming 'detox' selfie

New details emerge as woman loses her arm after being attacked by a lion at Darling Downs Zoo

The detail that many missed as Erin Patterson was found guilty of murdering her three in-laws

Activist who uses a wheelchair accuses doctor of 'pitying' her for having a disability

The day London was attacked by four homegrown Islamist terrorists on an £8,000 budget: Minute by bone-chilling minute reconstruction of Al Qaeda's 7/7 bombings that killed 52 innocent victims

Now Starmer faces Labour revolt over desperate efforts to curb spiralling £11bn special needs education spending

British teenager jailed in Dubai for sex with fellow UK tourist is HOME after being freed following royal pardon

Secret side of Erin Patterson is seen in revealing pictures we couldn't show you until today - as she now faces life in jail for triple murder

New details emerge about what Erin Patterson did just days before she was found guilty of murder

Teenage campers describe terrifying moment they were forced to write names on bodies while fearing the worst during Texas floods

I'm Tinder's most swiped man with 48,000 likes - but I found love offline

Trump's DOJ issues final verdict on Jeffrey Epstein in attempt to silence swirling conspiracy theories

Erin Patterson is accused of tampering with prison food that made an inmate sick while waiting for the trial to begin: Had job in the Dame Phyllis Frost jail KITCHEN

Erin Patterson's three words to her best friend as court staff led her down to the cells after she was found GUILTY of murdering her in-laws

Inside Dannii Minogue's difficult relationship with Julian McMahon's socialite mother and how she wouldn't even let her into her home - as she stays silent on ex-husband's death

The faces of the Texas floods: Tragic victims, a heroic father, brave camp directors and families clinging to hope as the death toll climbs to 82

Inside the turbulent relationship between Princess Diana's mother and grandmother which saw the pair clash in court

The endearing nickname only Prince Philip's nearest and dearest were allowed to call him

Tragic coincidence behind resurfaced Julian McMahon photo after his shock death

UK experts inspect fighter jet stuck in India for three weeks

Owners of escaped pet lion arrested after it attacks three people

Itoje to face Brumbies as Test team appears to form

Cyclists crash into crowd at German Track Championships

KENNEDY: The most vile celebrities I've ever met, including an A-list actor who called me a mf. These narcissists can't get away with it... I'm naming names