'It’s The Ultimate Insta vs Reality Moment': The Quiet Struggle New Mums Don’t Talk About

Heidi* was quietly sitting in her living room after the buzz of Christmas and New Year. It was pouring with rain, her baby was asleep, and she suddenly thought: “I have no one to talk to, and nothing to talk about.” She had given birth in November 2024, aged 27, and went from being a manager in a busy office, to being at home with her baby, which she had been looking forward to. “That first month, you’re exhausted, but the 4am feeds feel sacred,” she told HuffPost UK.“Then, the weeks roll on, and every kiss goodbye to my partner as he left for work felt like a countdown until he was back home. I began to feel drained, physically and emotionally – and, without meaning to, I started to withdraw.“It felt like people only wanted to see me for the baby. I didn’t feel like people wanted to see me anymore or talk about anything but my child.”Heidi, who lives in Dorset with her partner and their baby, describes feeling like she lost her old self after giving birth. And it was during that quiet moment at the start of 2025 that she realised what was happening: she was lonely. “I felt like I shouldn’t talk to anyone ... that I just had to get on with it,” she said. Most mums have experienced loneliness – and struggled in silenceHeidi’s not alone in her experience. New research from networking app Peanut found 94% of mothers have experienced loneliness, which begins in pregnancy and peaks after giving birth (75% of mothers experienced difficulty during the first three months postpartum).Adelle Cunningham found out she was expecting twins in May 2023. During a routine scan in December that year, she was told her babies needed to be delivered by emergency C-section due to placental abruption – where the placenta separates from the uterus early.Her twins were born six weeks premature, and spent their first few weeks in a neonatal intensive care unit (NICU). “This was a very lonely experience because it felt like the whole world was against me,” said Adelle, who is 27. “I left the hospital every night and would cry my eyes out in the car knowing we were leaving without our babies.”Adelle with her son and daughter. Almost four weeks later, her babies Kian and Kylah were allowed home. One week later, the family moved to a new village in Cambridgeshire.She recalled: “I knew no one. I felt like an alien. I do feel this contributed to my loneliness because I didn’t have any local friends to meet up with.“I was too scared to attend a baby group with the twins due to anxiety and none of my friends or family were round the corner which is what I’ve known my whole life.”It wasn’t until her babies were six months old when she realised she was experiencing loneliness. Her daughter had been having choking episodes which weren’t related to eating or drinking. It later transpired they were linked to an undiagnosed allergy.“One episode became so severe I had to perform CPR on my six-month-old daughter, and that day still haunts me,” Adelle said. “I realised I was lonely after this happened when I felt I couldn’t reach out to anyone with my worries.”Eventually, she opened up about how she was feeling to her partner. She didn’t explicitly say that what she was experiencing was loneliness, but did admit she wasn’t feeling good.“He was, of course, reassuring and everything I needed,” she said. “I didn’t want to open up to family and friends because I didn’t want them to feel disappointed, which I look back now and realise how silly that is – but that’s the reality of loneliness.”Why aren’t parents talking about it more?There is a shame that lingers when it comes to loneliness and admitting you’re struggling after having a baby. Around half (51%) of mums surveyed by Peanut reported feeling deep shame, and 75% said loneliness affected their mental health.What’s more, 43% have never shared their feelings, with 62% fearing they’d burden others and 59% thinking they should just “get on with it”.Heidi recalled: “I mentioned it in passing to my health visitor, and she told me that loneliness wasn’t something I had to just accept – that I deserved to feel more connected.“That conversation was a turning point. I realised: I need to tell people how I’m feeling.”She posted on Peanut and was flooded with responses from other mums who felt the same. “After this, I started to talk to my partner, my friends, my family. And almost immediately, I felt less alone,” she said. “I’d been afraid of being judged or labelled a ‘bad mum’ just because I found some parts of motherhood mundane or boring, which I now know is completely normal.”To coincide with Maternal Mental Health Awareness Week (5-12 May), statues across London have been adorned with “forced smiles” as part of a campaign by Peanut, Tommee Tippee and the Maternal Mental Health Alliance.Peanut’s CEO Michelle Kennedy said: “Motherhood is the ultimate “Insta vs reality” moment – and mothers feel that they should be so happy to have a healthy baby that their feelings should be put on the back burner.“The lack of conversation in this space means that 76% of mums told us they were surprised that having kids was so isolating, which is largely due to the silence that surrounds this topic overall.“This forced happiness is also making the situation far worse, as many don’t realise that others are masking their true feelings too.”What can help mums who are struggling?For Heidi, it’s imperative that there are better support systems for mothers, as well as more honest antenatal conversations, and accessible postnatal mental health checks.“Looking back, my experience could easily have turned into postnatal depression,” she said. “And for many mums, it does.”For Adelle, it shouldn’t be just on mums to solve the problem. She suggested regular check-ins from family and friends can help, as can reassurance from medical professionals.Social media can also be a lifeline, enabling mums to reach out to arrange playdates or, if that feels overwhelming, a simple meet-and-walk around a nearby park. Adelle agrees with Heidi that more postnatal check-ups are needed. “After giving birth, I had my six week check-up and that was it,” she said. “I was shocked by this because it was months later that I felt lonely and started experiencing symptoms of PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder).”Heidi concluded: “We need to make it easier to reach out, speak honestly, and let go of the guilt that comes with needing support.“Wanting connection shouldn’t come with apology. Asking for help should feel human – not like a failure – because we were never meant to do this alone.”For more information or to access mental health support, visit the Maternal Mental Health Alliance’s Information Centre at maternalmentalhealthalliance.org/parents and find community on the Peanut App.*Some parents preferred not to share their full name. Help and support:Mind, open Monday to Friday, 9am-6pm on 0300 123 3393.Samaritans offers a listening service which is open 24 hours a day, on 116 123 (UK and ROI - this number is FREE to call and will not appear on your phone bill).CALM (the Campaign Against Living Miserably) offer a helpline open 5pm-midnight, 365 days a year, on 0800 58 58 58, and a webchat service.The Mix is a free support service for people under 25. Call 0808 808 4994 or email [email protected] Mental Illness offers practical help through its advice line which can be reached on 0808 801 0525 (Monday to Friday 10am-4pm). More info can be found on rethink.org.Related...It's Nonsense That Postnatal Health Checks Stop At 6 Weeks, New Mothers Deserve More'Motherhood Does Not Erase Your Sexuality' – 3 Mums On Sex During And After PregnancyDr Zoe Williams: We Need New Ways To Ask Black Mums About Their Mental Health

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