Men’s Friendships Avoid Feelings. Women’s Drown In Them – It’s Time We Learned From Each Other

As a man am I missing out?Because our wives were friends with Dan’s wife, all of us men sitting around the table in the pub knew that his wife had just left him only three days earlier. But as Dan, late as always, sat down, pint in hand, to join us for the evening, though he knew that we knew and we knew that he knew we knew, not a single word was said on the matter. Instead, across the next three hours we talked about music, politics, football, TV series we were particularly enjoying and ones we were hate watching simply for our own amusement. But of the demise of his twenty-year marriage and the inner emotional turmoil it was wreaking on his psyche, not a single syllable was uttered. Welcome to the world of male friendships.Contrast this then with a recent occurrence amongst my wife’s group of friends when, while out for coffee, one of their number, Sarah, announced that she’d just split up with her partner of ten years. Instantly, tears were shed, hugs exchanged and the events leading up to and following the break up were discussed in forensic detail. Then for weeks after the revelation, flowers, cards and texts offering a listening ear were sent. Roughly the same situation, but the response couldn’t have been more different. While both genders seemingly appreciate that friendships are fundamental to human well-being, generally speaking women seem to see them as an opportunity to foster emotional intimacy and connection while men see them more as an opportunity to drink beer and share firmly held opinions about the sorts of things that few people really care about.As a man am I missing out? Well, as a husband to a wife and a father to two daughters I have to say that the answer is yes and…no. After many years of observation, I would say that yes, women’s friendships appear a lot deeper and more nurturing and I’m sure I could do with some of that but at the same time they seem like an awful lot of work too. No, it’s not enough to know your friends’ birthdays, you also have to know their partner’s and kid’s birthdays too. And no, you can’t just grab a token present from the supermarket as you’re dashing in to pick up something for dinner and think you’ve ticked it off your list. The gift has to be meaningful, referencing something they’ve told you about themselves, and oh… it has to be the right colour too. Meanwhile in the world of bloke, while our friendships might perhaps appear shallow in comparison, the upside is they require a lot less effort. Generally speaking, my friends are pleased if I even remember they have a birthday, let alone what day it is. As for presents, given the fact that most of my male friends have already bought whatever it is they really want, a night where the drinks are on anyone else, is—at least for that evening—the very essence of the gift that keeps on giving. Then, as with my friend Dan, sometimes what you want most in the world isn’t to discuss your problems ad infinitum but rather to forget about them for a while. And this is the real magic of male friendship. Yes, your world might be falling down around your ears, but for the three or four hours that you’re with your friends discussing everything from the first album you ever bought to whether you’d win in a fight against a shark, you’re at total peace.Perhaps we each have something to learn from the other. Maybe women would occasionally enjoy the freedom of sending a ‘thumbs up’ emoji when they’re really up against it instead of running themselves ragged searching for the perfect birthday present. Maybe men, whose lives have been absolutely obliterated by circumstance might relish the opportunity to be lifted by a group hug and the friendly encouragement to let it all out rather than keeping it all firmly tamped down inside while they recite their all-time top ten cinematic car chase sequences.Until the glorious day comes when we can all achieve this magical balance, I suggest we all agree to cut each other some much needed slack. So, women the next time your overextended friend misses the mark with her birthday gift from the petrol station, know that she loves you anyway. And men, when a mate opens up about his disastrous love life, instead of just staring awkwardly into you pint, sit there and listen. I’m sure we’ll all feel better for it.Mike Gayle’s Amazon short, The One That Got Away is out May 1Related...'I Blocked My Friend After Her Pregnancy Announcement' – 4 Women Share How Kids Changed Their FriendshipsThese 4 Words Could Resuscitate Your Strained FriendshipThe 3 Red Flag Signs That Your Friends Aren’t Actually Your Friends

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