'My Husband Went On His Phone During Sex. He Thinks I'm Making A Big Deal Of It'

If you’ve had some awkward sexual encounters in your time, spare a thought for the Redditor who caught her husband scrolling on his phone during sex.Taking to Reddit’s r/AmIOverreacting, the frustrated partner said they were in a spooning position, having a “quickie” before bed. She grabbed her vibrator to use it and after a moment, turned around to look at her husband who had become “very still”. “So I open my eyes and look behind at him and he’s there scrolling on his phone,” she recalled. “I asked what he was doing and he said ‘I was just scrolling the news’ and tells me I am making a much bigger deal out of the situation than it is.”Unsurprisingly, the move was the ultimate mood-killer for OP (original poster).“Why even initiate sex if you’re going to act that bored you have to stare at your phone?” she asked. “Or is he right and I [am] making a bigger deal out of it than it is?” Is using a phone during sex rude? Sex and relationship psychotherapist Miranda Christophers told HuffPost UK: “From an etiquette perspective, it would be best to check in with partners before [using your phone] to understand what is OK/not OK and what each other wants ands enjoys from partnered sex.“If it’s agreed phones can be used, then that’s OK, but as it’s partnered sex, we need to consider the other/s involved and understand likes, preferences, boundaries, etc. For some, they may prefer to not have phones in the room, or remove potential distractions.”Sofie Roos, a sexologist and relationship therapist, believes using phones in the middle of sex is “rude and disrespectful” if it happens without couples having talked about it first. While some couples might use phones to watch porn, Roos said if a partner is using their phone for a non-sexual purpose like scrolling social media, playing a game or reading the news it “becomes extra rude”.“A big part of the pleasure during sex is to share the moment together and to be fully connected and engaged in each other,” added Roos, who works with relationship magazine Passionerad.But when someone decides to use their phone in the middle of it, their partner will question “what makes the sex so boring that you prioritise your phone over it” and ultimately, they’ll also be turned off themselves.It can be seen as a sign of lack of interest, even if it’s not meant that way, said the sex expert, “because the partner feels deprioritised and invisible, especially if using it during a moment where your partner gets the most pleasure – for example, when they’re using a sex toy”.Roos said doing it as this point “signals that you don’t value that part of the sex as much as you do when you are the one being satisfied”. How to respond if someone uses their phone during sexIf someone gets their phone out during sex, or tries to answer a call, and you’ve not discussed phones in the bedroom before now, Roos recommends clearly stating that you don’t enjoy them being on their phone with a short comment such as, “Can you put that away please?”.Christophers, who is founder of The Therapy Yard, noted it might be best to pause at this point and understand why they are on their phone. “For example, are they struggling to connect with the experience; worried or anxious about something; trying to increase stimulation in some way?” she asked.“It can help to identify what each [partner] would like/enjoy and how they may connect with the partnered experience together. Communicating openly and avoiding assumptions can help to move to understanding, and finding ways that work for both.”This might be a helpful time to revisit what each of you enjoys in the bedroom, said the therapist, as well as consider what helps you to immerse fully with your mind, body and emotions in partnered sex.During these discussions, Roos said it’s important to “make your partner fully understand that you don’t enjoy them picking up the phone during intimacy” (if that’s how you feel), but also “be respectful and constructive instead of confrontational”.The sexologist advised saying something along the lines of: “Using the phone when we had sex made me a bit sad and unsure about how interested you actually are in me. For me, sex with you is a moment to really be close to each other, both physically and mentally, so when you got on the phone, I was turned off.”It might be helpful to conclude the conversation by asking them to keep the phone away when you have sex in future – and “if they respect you and value your sex life and relationship, they will have no problem accepting that,” she added.Related...'I've Carried The Mental Load For 7 Years. I Can't Look At My Husband Anymore''I Returned My Husband's Anniversary Gift After 1 Comment. Was I Wrong?'After My Wife Died, I Found A 4-Word Text Message In Her Phone That Hit Me Like A Sledgehammer

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