Selling My Grandparents’ Home Feels Like A Betrayal. How Do We Let Go Without Guilt?

Transly Translation Agency on Unsplash" />At the start of this year, my granddad died. He left behind a gorgeous legacy and his funeral was packed to the brim. We were devastated at the loss and a lot of tears and hugs were shared at the funeral of a man that was deeply loved by his family and community alike.I still miss him, go to call him and share his stories every single day. If you need to hear a story about a cheeky Scouse scamp, hit me up.We didn’t just lose him, though. Our nan died back in 2014 and what had been the family home for over 40 years was soon to leave us, too. I have moved 22 times in 35 years and my only permanent ‘family home’ has been this terraced house in Bootle. Soon, it won’t be ours anymore.Which feels wild, right? This isn’t just a house on a street, this was the house central to our lives. It was within walking distance of primary school. It’s right next to the best chippy in or around Liverpool (not formally verified, just my opinion).We celebrated births, weddings, and achievements here. We watched gameshows and the Friends finale here. We had family Christmases here and after I moved to Scotland, I would come home to everyone in my grandparent’s house every couple of months.It wasn’t just a family home, it was the keeper of our lives, the home of our hearts and now, we need to sell it. It’s unfathomable. It feels like a betrayal to my grandparents.But, why does it? It isn’t a home without them, it can’t be replicated now that my grandparents are gone.I spoke with Bianca Neumann, Clinical Director of Grief and Bereavement at national palliative care and bereavement charity, Sue Ryder to learn more.It can feel like a secondary loss Neumann explains: “For many of us, a house isn’t just bricks and mortar, it is a memory box of life events, conversations, sounds and smells and deciding to sell up can evoke deep feelings of guilt for ‘erasing’ these special times and closing a chapter that you shared with the person who has died.”Closing a chapter is exactly it. I’m not ready to but the chapter has ended. She adds: “The sale of the home can feel like a secondary loss and that closure can bring a new wave of pain, especially if you are wholly responsible for the decision.“You might also worry about what the person who has died would think or feel like you’re “moving on” but it’s normal to fear change when grief has taken hold and you’re feeling overwhelmed.”Neumann reminds us that no matter how huge the physical reminders of our loved ones’ lives feel, the real memories can’t be held: “Many people feel they are being dishonourable and betraying the deceased by selling their home, but it is important to remember that honouring them is more about carrying forward their values, sayings, or rituals.“This is the thread that keeps our relationship with them alive, and these continuing bonds are often a healthy and enduring part of the grieving process.”“You are not selling that love to the highest bidder”Neumann urges us to separate our memory of the loved one from the home and the belongings inside of it, saying: “Acknowledge your grief and remember that you may feel guilty because you loved them.“You are not selling that love to the highest bidder, you will continue to hold it dear, along with the cherished memories of your relationship. Separating the memory from the object may help relieve the pressure and encourage you to not be so hard on yourself. ”If you still don’t feel ready to move on, Neumann advises that a ceremony of sorts may help: “It may also be helpful to organise a formal goodbye, allowing you to ease the pain of letting go. For example, visiting each room and recalling happy memories or leaving behind a memento such as a flower before you close the door for the last time.“Others may find comfort from sleeping in the house one last time, even if it is in a sleeping bag on the floor, many find that one final act can help with the transition.”Don’t carry the load aloneOne bittersweet thing about grief is that we will all go through it at some point in our lives and fortunately, this means we can help one another through it. Neumann says that reaching out to community while going through this is essential.She says: “Dealing with grief and navigating the sale of the deceased person’s house can be a very heavy load to carry. You may find comfort in talking to others who have gone through a very similar experience.  “This could be a friend who has also lost someone very close to them, or you could consider joining a support group, such as Sue Ryder’s Online Bereavement Community, where you will find that many other people are experiencing the exact same feelings as you.”Give yourself grace whenever possibleNeumann recommends setting boundaries while dealing with this kind of death admin, as it “may help lessen the emotional impact.”“This could include limiting the time you allow yourself to spend on paperwork, sorting through possessions and making phone calls or delegating certain tasks to family or friends who are willing to help. “It is also important to make space for grief and expect to feel overwhelmed. Allow yourself permission to feel very attached to items you’ll come across, to become very emotional when clearing rooms out and to take a break for a couple of days and rest before returning. ”Stay patient with family membersNeumann says: “Understandably, selling a house under these circumstances can significantly impact the whole family and can often lead to emotional distress and disagreements, especially when the job falls on one person or the others are too busy or not local.”She advises that when you’re broaching the subject with family members, you should try to separate the grief you are all experiencing from the logistics of the task at hand. She adds: “It can be very difficult to manage but try to talk about what is best for the house and the situation, not how you all feel at the moment. Acknowledge the emotions but remember that disputes are rarely about the actual house, they can be about control, fairness and unresolved family issues.“If a family member is being unwilling to resolve the problem, know when to step back and protect your own mental well-being.”It can be hard, especially if tempers are rising and family members are being unreasonable but remember that they are hurting too.Neumann says: “Not everyone involved will be processing their grief in the same way as you, but you are all going through this whilst dealing with loss. The best approach may be to treat everyone with compassion and keep the lines of communication open.”Sue Ryder offers a range of bereavement support from an online bereavement community and in-person “Grief Kind Spaces” support groups. Search ‘Grief deserves better’ or visit sueryder.org/GriefDeservesBetterRelated...‘I Was Made to Feel Like a Nuisance’: How Death Admin Becomes A Second Trauma For Grieving FamiliesI'm A Grief Expert – These Are The Physical Impacts Of Grief You May Have MissedLiam Payne's Death Has Sparked A Complicated Debate About Grief — And The Points Are Valid

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