'My Teen's Friend Told Me My Son Is Depressed. I Have No Clue What To Do'

If a teenager seems to be struggling but won't open up to you, what can you do?If you suspect your child might be struggling mentally, but they haven’t explicitly said so, it can be difficult to know what to do or say to help them.Such was the predicament one parent faced recently when a friend of their teenage son’s mentioned in passing, after a sleepover, that their son “seemed kinda depressed”.The parent revealed on Reddit: “I tried to ask some questions but he said he really had to go and left. I went and checked on my son, he seemed fine that moment. I asked him how the weekend went. He said ‘fine’. His favourite word.“He asked if he could go watch fireworks next weekend with his friend. I said sure. Then I left.”The parent was confused about how to proceed. “I don’t want to betray his friend’s trust and I don’t want to scare my son away by making too big a deal of this, but at the same time if his friend felt it was bad enough to tell me it must be pretty bad right?” they explained.“But if I play it too casually and ask him how he’s doing a few times I know I’m just going to get the ‘I’m fine’ answer and get nowhere ... Honestly have no clue what to do here.”What should parents in this situation do? Experts suggest that parents in this position need to focus on connection over conversation. BACP-accredited member and psychotherapist Debbie Keenan told HuffPost UK: “When a teen seems withdrawn or says they’re ‘fine’, even when others express concern, it can feel like a dead end. But this is where unconditional love, presence, patience, and reframing questions become essential.”Keenan advises not to jump directly in with probing questions, especially around sensitive topics like mental health. Instead, create a space that feels emotionally safe and low-pressured. How do I do that?1. Spend time together without an agendaDoing something side-by-side, whether that’s cooking, walking the dog or gaming, “can remove the intensity of eye contact and make teens feel more at ease”, said Keenan. 2. Choose your words wiselyRather than asking, “are you depressed?”or “what’s wrong?”, which the therapist said “can feel loaded or accusatory”, try asking open-ended and emotionally neutral questions and statements.She recommended you could say something like: “How’s everything going lately?” or “How are things feeling for you at school/with friends/life right now?”.Another phrase that gives them less pressure to respond immediately is: “I’ve noticed you seem quieter lately. That’s totally OK, but I just want you to know I’m here anytime you want to talk.” This approach “opens a door without demanding they walk through it”, Keenan added.If and when they do open up, BACP-accredited therapist Lauren Young suggested resisting the urge to fix everything immediately and instead, validating their feelings and thanking them for trusting you.Many teens are most open during informal moments such as car journeys, late evening conversations or while doing activities together, she added, while warning to avoid starting serious talks when they’re stressed, tired or rushing somewhere.3. Normalise complex emotionsI remember my teen years well, and they were tough. Add social media and the current pressures facing young people into the mix and I can’t even imagine what an emotional rollercoaster that is. Keenan urged parents to let their kids hear them say things like, “You know, I’ve had weeks where I felt off and couldn’t put my finger on it, it happens sometimes.” She suggested vulnerability from a parent, when age-appropriate and non-burdening, helps teens feel less alone and more understood. But Young added parents should “keep it brief and focused on them, and not your own story”.4. Respect their space and privacyWhile it’s tempting to swoop in and make everything better, just like you did when your child was little, “the more desperately we try to push that door open, the more tightly they’re likely to slam it shut”, said Young.“Teenagers can sense our anxiety and desperation and it often makes them feel overwhelmed or like they’ve created a crisis by sharing even that small piece of information,” she explained. “They may shut down to protect us from our own distress or because our intensity feels too big for whatever they’re dealing with.”It’s important to give them space and time, as over-checking “can feel like pressure”, noted Keenan. “Sometimes, the goal isn’t to get your teen to ‘open up’ immediately, but to remind them that they’re not alone, that emotions are valid, and that you’re a reliable presence in their life. Trust is built in the quiet, everyday moments, often more than in the big talks,” she said.This restraint will be tough – perhaps one of the hardest parts of parenting – but remember it’s not a lack of care, said Young, “it’s an act of love that creates space for them to find their way back to you when they’re ready”.Don’t forget to look after yourselfIt’s OK to seek support for yourself during this time, too. It can be hard watching someone you love struggle and distance themselves from you.One in five (20% of) adolescents may experience a mental health problem in any given year, according to the Mental Health Foundation, so many parents and teens will be going through the same. “Remember that your protectiveness and worry come from love and these feelings make you a good parent, not an anxious one,” said Young.“However, if you find yourself consumed by constant worry, losing sleep or feeling overwhelmed by your teenager’s struggles, don’t hesitate to seek professional support. “A therapist can help you manage your own anxiety while being more effective in supporting your teen. And if you’re genuinely concerned about your child’s safety or mental health, consulting with a specialist can provide crucial guidance.”She concluded that parents don’t have to navigate this alone: “Seeking help isn’t failure but a recognition that sometimes we need additional tools to best support our children through difficult times.”Help and support:Mind, open Monday to Friday, 9am-6pm on 0300 123 3393.Samaritans offers a listening service which is open 24 hours a day, on 116 123 (UK and ROI - this number is FREE to call and will not appear on your phone bill).CALM (the Campaign Against Living Miserably) offer a helpline open 5pm-midnight, 365 days a year, on 0800 58 58 58, and a webchat service.The Mix is a free support service for people under 25. Call 0808 808 4994 or email [email protected] Mental Illness offers practical help through its advice line which can be reached on 0808 801 0525 (Monday to Friday 10am-4pm). More info can be found on rethink.org.Related...'My 14-Year-Old Son Likes To Hold My Hand Sometimes. Is It Weird?'My Son Called Me And Shared An Unexpected Secret. What Followed Was The Worst Tragedy Of My Life.I'm A Parenting Coach, Here's How I Stopped My Son's Tantrum In 7 Seconds

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