Psychologist Shares 1 Mistake Parents Make After Tantrums And Squabbles

Alex Gallegos on Unsplash" />A clinical psychologist has opened up about the mistake many parents make after a child’s tantrum – and I’m certainly guilty.In a piece for CNBC, psychologist Caroline Fleck said there’s a typical routine when a kid has a tantrum or gets into a sibling fight that often involves a parent sending them to time-out or their room.The child (eventually) gets it out of their system, comes downstairs calm, and life resumes. Everyone moves on... But Fleck said while this approach isn’t “harmful”, it is “woefully incomplete”.Why is this?Imagine you’re a child and you’ve fallen out with your little brother because he knocked over your toys, which culminated in you smacking him over the head with a building block. Your parent didn’t witness the first part but did walk in on you hitting your baby brother with a toy. He is crying, your mum looks angry, and now you’re being sent to your room. You cry, you throw things, you scream. Eventually you calm down and you come downstairs. You mumble “sorry” to your little brother and life continues. Nobody speaks about what just happened again. Fleck said: “As a clinical psychologist, I see this often, and it prevents kids from developing the skills required to process their feelings. They learn only to move on and pretend nothing happened.”She added that “instead of being praised for regulating themselves, the child’s success is ignored” and “instead of having valid emotions acknowledged, they’re dismissed”.What should we do instead?You know how if something bad happens at work there’s usually a meeting about it and everyone has a sort of debrief? Well... that. Fleck suggested that when everyone is calm again, you huddle for a conversation where you all discuss what happened, what you thought and how you felt.The Family Psychology Clinic also recommends this strategy, saying: “It’s a critical part of them learning how to regulate their own behaviour and feelings.”Let your children go first, and then you can share your thoughts at the end, too.Fleck advised parents to try and discuss emotions other than frustration and anger when you get your turn. (Instead you could try saying you were “afraid” of someone getting hurt, or “confused” by your child’s reaction.)In conclusion, she recommended asking questions like, “does that make sense?” and “have you ever felt like that?” so they can validate what happened – and begin to learn the art of conflict resolution.Experts at the Family Psychology Clinic add that if you need to give a consequence during this chat, you should do so “calmly and quickly”.And once that’s over and done with, give reassurance of three things: that you love them, that they’re a good kid, and that you forgive them.They added that this will “bring closure to the whole meltdown”. And breathe.Related...I Was A 'Problem Child'. Here Are 3 Parenting Rules I Now Swear ByI'm A Parenting Coach, Here's How I Stopped My Son's Tantrum In 7 SecondsI Wish I’d Known This About 'Gentle Parenting' Before I Used It With My Son

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