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QUENTIN LETTS: Bridget Phillipson's weirdly precise bob of inky hair swung like a black satin curtain in an Istanbul brothel

And they're off. We may need racing commentator Cornelius Lysaght to do justice to Labour 's deputy leadership election, there are so many runners.

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QUENTIN LETTS: Did Keir give Maria the boot because he was too terrified to sack her sister?

QUENTIN LETTS: By the time she reached the lectern, Dame Andrea - encased in a purple sequin jumpsuit - was panting hard, possibly in need of a nebuliser. The good activists of Reform were diving for cover…

She was the authentic voice of the snarling Left, but as we now know, the Red Queen was a woman of gluttonous appetites with little between the ears: QUENTIN LETTS

QUENTIN LETTS: With a voice as soothing as the Psycho soundtrack Bridget Phillipson was dispatched to defend Mrs Rayner

QUENTIN LETTS: For Kemi, here was a prize opportunity. All she had to do was rub their noses in it and Mrs Rayner would be a goner, surely. But no, Kemi goofed it

QUENTIN LETTS: His jagged, gapped teeth had shades of Hannibal Lecter. Better watch out

QUENTIN LETTS: Yvette Cooper's parliamentary speech was a public emergency edict delivered by Play School presenter

QUENTIN LETTS: Starmer's so dull-witted and obdurate he reminds me of those male drivers who refuse directions even when they're heading for a precipice

QUENTIN LETTS: The encounter was electric with jeopardy... It was worse than watching a chess match when the pieces are live grenades

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