There's Actually A Psychological Reason You Keep Your Frenemies Around

We’ve all had that friend ― the one who can make you laugh and celebrate your wins, but also slip in stinging comments and backhanded compliments. It’s the kind of person who blurs the line between friend and foe, i.e. the “frenemy.”“The term frenemy describes someone who is ostensibly a friend, but someone with whom you have a one-sided or unbalanced friendship that is inherently painful and unsatisfying,” psychologist and friendship expert Irene S. Levine told HuffPost. “The person pretends to be a friend and may actually believe they are, but their behaviour is more characteristic of an enemy. The person may be undercutting, insincere, unreliable or take advantage of you.”Unlike genuine friendships, these kinds of relationships involve fake closeness, bad intentions, secret competition, undermining behaviour and negative talk behind your back. “These relationships often create stress instead of comfort,” said psychologist Stefanie Mazer. “It’s hard to build trust with someone who is a ‘frenemy.’ These relationships can be harmful to your mental health. Most of the time, it’s better to step back and put energy into people who are genuine and have your best interest at heart.”Still, despite the toxicity, many people struggle to let go of frenemies. Below, experts break down the reasons why you might be holding onto these tricky relationships ― and what it says about you.1. You have a long shared history. “People are reluctant to give up long-term friendships, even with frenemies,” Levine said. “These people may not have always been frenemies, and they may have shared many enjoyable experiences with them. Thus, they tend to forgive and overlook.”The mix of negative and positive can make it challenging to truly cut ties. “There might be a history of them being pleasant with you, being there for you, sharing resources with you in some situations,” said Danielle Bayard Jackson, a friendship educator and author of the forthcoming book “Fighting for Our Friendships: The Science and Art of Conflict and Connection in Women’s Relationships.”“You likely do have moments from your relationship where this person genuinely offered emotional support,” she added. “The positive memories and shared history are, in my opinion, why so many people sustain this kind of relationship for so long.”Frenemy relationships are filled with complexities. Bayard Jackson noted that overly focusing on the positive can dilute the impact of the negative or make you overlook the downsides as well. “On a deeper level, individuals may retain frenemies to preserve a sense of personal continuity or because the relationship is tied to significant life experiences or developmental stages,” Mazer noted. 2. The relationship is fuelled by your competitive nature. “Frenemies can motivate you to improve yourself,” Mazer said, considering potential upsides to these kinds of relationships. But that motivation can stem from an unhealthy level of competition. “A frenemy is a friend with whom you have an unspoken competitive relationship with ― where instead of genuinely supporting and cheering one another on, there is a sense of one-upmanship,” said licensed marriage and family therapist Natalie Moore.And that competitive nature is not even the most effective source of motivation over time.“If you and your friends are highly competitive, whether that be around social status, sports, finance or any other area, you may keep frenemies around because you believe that they ‘keep your edge,’” Moore said. “Interestingly enough, the research shows that having compassionate friends increases your success more than having shallow, or competitive friends.”3. You don’t realise they’re actually frenemies.“If you’re not paying attention to how your friends treat you and how they make you feel, then it’s easy to follow the status quo and maintain a relationship,” Moore said. “Once you start noticing your emotions and your needs in the context of relationships, it will become much more apparent who your true blue friends are.”Your capacity for noticing and considering these factors might be limited by other circumstances. “If someone is insecure, they may not even realize that the other person is a frenemy,” Levine said. “Also, if someone doesn’t have many friends, they may delude themselves into thinking that someone is better than no one and something is better than nothing.”4. Your attachment style makes you want to keep them around. “People maintain relationships with frenemies for various reasons, including attachment styles,” said Deborah Vinall, a licensed marriage and family therapist and chief psychological officer with Recovered.org. “People afraid of abandonment or with anxious attachment are less likely to end unhealthy relationships, holding on to the good and disregarding the maltreatment.”Mazer similarly pointed to attachment styles as a factor keeping these relationships alive, along with other mental, social and existential issues. “Psychologically, individuals with insecure attachment patterns, particularly those with anxious or preoccupied styles, may find the ambivalence in these relationships familiar or emotionally compelling,” Mazer said. “Low self-esteem, fear of rejection and a strong need for external validation can also lead individuals to remain in relationships that are inconsistent or emotionally taxing.”Social cohesion and shared history can make it hard to cut ties with a frenemy. 5. The social cohesion is important to you. “Socially, frenemies are often part of overlapping networks in workplaces, friend groups, or families, which can make it difficult to fully disengage without experiencing social consequences,” Mazer said.In these cases, many people prefer to remain fully socially connected to the group and view the frenemy situation as the price they’re willing to pay. “If you’re part of a big social group and one of the members is a frenemy, you may feel as though you’re either ‘in’ the group or ‘out,’” Moore said. “It could be challenging to maintain ties with genuine friends and distance yourself from the frenemy. This could require more skillful navigation to manage.”6. The relationship provides certain advantages.“Some may not be afraid of losing the friendship but see its strategic merits for access to power, resources ― such as access to a private pool or club ― or connected friends,” Vinall said. “If the frenemy has high social status, many people will remain connected to boost their own social standing.You might also feel like your frenemy plays a valuable role in teaching you to navigate certain circles and situations. “In some instances, frenemies serve a practical purpose by providing access to social connections, resources, or professional opportunities, which reinforces the relationship even when it causes psychological strain,” Mazer said. “They can also teach you how to spot mixed intentions in people. And they sometimes provide honest feedback, even if it’s sharp.”7. You don’t want to violate societal norms and expectations.“Interestingly enough, it’s perfectly normal to break up with an intimate partner when things aren’t working out,” Moore said. “However, we don’t have a similar concept in our society when a friendship is deemed problematic. Some people have a hard time distancing themselves from a friend because there isn’t a socially acceptable way to do it.”Mazer also pointed to cultural expectations around politeness in social interactions. “The desire to avoid conflict and concern for one’s reputation may also discourage people from setting clear boundaries or ending the relationship,” she said, adding that it’s still important to take a step back if your frenemy situation is harming your mental health and well-being. 8. You’ve chosen to maintain the relationship but set certain boundaries. “If a person is aware that their friend is truly a frenemy, they may be able to keep those limitations in perspective and find ways to overlook or lessen the hurt,” Levine said.This approach can look like choosing to engage with them in specific contexts that feel safe or enjoyable without relying on them for deeper emotional needs. These are boundaries that might allow you to preserve the relationship in small doses without it interfering with your self-esteem or overall well-being. “They may be fun or supportive in selective moments,” Mazer said. Just remember this kind of selective engagement should be a conscious choice, and you should be honest with yourself and do check-ins to determine the kinds of boundaries that work for you.Contrary to the “keep your friends close but your enemies closer” expression, some distance will serve you better with frenemies.Related...I Was Everyone's Unpaid 'Therapist Friend' – Then I Learned This Hard Truth About Friendship'I Ended A Years-Long Friendship Over A Sunscreen Argument. Was I Wrong?'These 4 Words Could Resuscitate Your Strained Friendship

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