When Is A Child's Rage More Than Just A Tantrum?

Tantrums are a normal part of developmentTantrums can be a tough part of parenting – especially when your child begins to lash out at you. While these emotional outbursts are a completely normal part of development; for some parents, being screamed, hit and kicked at for almost 20 minutes can be distressing – particularly as their child gets bigger and stronger.Recently, a parent admitted to “slapping” their six-year-old after he began hitting her hard mid-tantrum. “I was calm and trying to calm him down, and holding him in my arms with his back towards me so he can’t hit me. Then he started to bite me,” the guilt-filled parent recalled in a Reddit post.“He escaped my arms and literally threw himself on me, raining punches. Something broke in me and I slapped his face. I feel like the most horrible person on earth.”Most of the responses to the parent’s post were sympathetic to the situation and suggested taking the child to therapy. One parent said their daughter had similar behaviours and has since been diagnosed with autism and ADHD.It got me thinking, is there a point where a child’s rage and anger isn’t just a tantrum anymore, and perhaps needs exploring further? Here’s what therapists had to say about it...What is a tantrum?Tantrums can be common in children who are unable to express their anger and frustration verbally. As such, they most frequently happen between the ages of one and four (although they aren’t limited to this group).Heidi Soholt, a therapist and former school counsellor, said the toddler stage is typically the most common time for tantrum behaviours. “This is linked to neurological development going on at this time,” the BACP member told HuffPost UK. “Toddlers want to explore, and can become extremely frustrated when they are prevented – even if it is for their own good. They simply lack the ability to understand consequences or basic safety.”Young children also have little capacity for self-regulation, she added, so they can feel all the emotions “but lack a volume control”.Amanda Macdonald, a BACP-accredited therapist who works with children, told HuffPost UK: “A child that is ‘acting out’ by hitting, biting or kicking is not ‘being bad’ or ‘naughty’ – what you are seeing is a child who is out of control of their emotional response to something that, for whatever reason, is troubling them.”Soholt said children can have tantrums throughout their childhood, with some continuing into their teens. “This can be completely normal,” she noted, “and related to factors like individual capacity for self-regulation. Temperament can also play a part, with some children being more reactive and/or emotionally intense.”Children who are experiencing additional difficulties in their lives – such as loss or divorce – might also experience more tantrums, as their “ability to regulate in an age-appropriate way is challenged”, said Macdonald.Keep an eye on tantrum triggersTo get a sense of where the tantrums are coming from, parents should “look for patterns”, suggested Soholt. “Are there any specific times when rages seem to come on?” she asked, noting that usual triggers are things like hunger, tiredness or illness. “Also, how often do they occur?”Returning home from school or nursery can be a trigger point for plenty of kids – mine included. “Children will spend a large chunk of their time being told what to do and where to go,” said Macdonald. She offered the example of a typical school day where kids have to get up at a set time, eat, dress in a uniform, get out of the house, and then face a structured school day from 9-3pm. They might then encounter more of the same at an after-school club.“By the end of the day, your child may be in complete overload, and as a parent this may be the time it comes spilling over. Some children ‘act in’ and become quiet and withdrawn, and some ‘act out’ showing behaviours that can be interpreted as ‘bad’,” she explained.“We understand much more about our sensory profiles today, and this is always something I am curious about when working with families – sometimes a child will need a calming environment, without lots of competing noises, or smells, or sights.”On the topic of uniforms, she noted that some children will be very sensitive to certain fabrics, “and when we think that many children will be wearing school uniform each day, if there is something abut their shirt or socks that feels deeply uncomfortable for them then all day long they are dealing with this discomfort, and they may not even be aware of it”.Some children’s outbursts might actually be a response to this discomfort, she suggested.Is there a point where a child’s tantrums need outside intervention?In short, yes. The Cleveland Clinic suggests that “violent tantrums that last longer than 15 minutes may be a sign of a more serious problem”.For Macdonald, her general rule of thumb is that if a child’s rage or anger is happening regularly, and feels like it is impacting the child’s life or the parents’ ability to manage, “then looking to professionals for support could be a great idea”.Soholt added: “If there is a sense the behaviour is getting worse and there doesn’t seem to be any obvious cause, then a visit to your GP to rule out physical causes such as infections may be a starting point.“If there are no medical issues then you may want to explore therapeutic support for your child. You may also want to consider a referral for a psychological assessment, to explore possible factors such as neurodivergence.”While it might not feel like it when you’re in the thick of a tantrum, child and adolescent psychotherapist Alison Roy suggested kids who have a temper “are often healthier than those who have shut down completely and don’t speak or challenge at all”.“There is no generic answer to when therapy should be sought other than real and continued distress,” she added.“Ideally parents who know their child well will pick up when there is distress which is causing ongoing disturbance and is affecting the family as a whole.”She noted nursery workers, reception teachers, childminders or grandparents might also pick up on behavioural changes – so it can be helpful to speak to them if you’re concerned.“Parents who are struggling might benefit from getting support for themselves first to see what is getting stirred up for them, which could relate to their own experience of being a child,” she added.What to do when your child gets angryWhen a child gets angry, the part of their brain that’s rational and logical basically goes ‘offline’ and “there is little sense in expecting them to rationalise or regulate at this point,” said Soholt.So, it’s very much a matter of weathering the storm and trying to stay calm and as close to your child as is safe to be, suggested the therapist.“Children can feel very out of control and frightened. Try to wait for the anger to pass – it will always run its course. Once a child is calmer, let them know they are safe,” she added.When your child has returned to a state of complete calm, it can be helpful to talk about what happened. “Try to listen more than speak, so they can explain in their own words how they felt,” said Soholt.“This will help them unpick the experience and learn to reflect. Help foster an awareness that feelings can build up, that there are usually good reasons for this, and that they do have options going forward – particularly in learning to recognise triggers and warning signs [that] things are beginning to escalate.”To prevent such outbursts, it could also be helpful to “reduce demands” on the child, said Macdonald. Keep things simple and planned – an example would be not stopping at the shops on the way back from the school run. “This may be the thing that sets your child in to overload,” she suggested.Talking about feelings in day-to-day life can also help educate them around emotions and how to respond. The therapist advised voicing to your child what you are feeling, and encouraging them to communicate what they are feeling. You could even make it into a game to talk about how different characters are feeling in books or on TV. Soholt added: “You could also try examples from times you’ve experienced anger in your own life and how you coped – this will not only teach your child coping strategies but also help them normalise and be more accepting of emotions.”Remember to be kind to yourself Macdonald notes that parents who are dealing with a child with extreme anger “are generally not feeling a whole lot of compassion for themselves”.So it’s crucial parents “take a moment to acknowledge to themselves or to each other, if they have a partner, that this is tough and that it feels frightening, or horrible, or makes them angry”.“Often the metaphor of an iceberg is used: anger is the tip of the iceberg – it is the behaviour that is seen. However, under the surface there is so much more,” she said.“Finding a way to understand what is going on under the surface can help for the child displaying anger to experience compassion from those around them – and for both them and their caregivers to not feel so out of control.”Help and support:Mind, open Monday to Friday, 9am-6pm on 0300 123 3393.Samaritans offers a listening service which is open 24 hours a day, on 116 123 (UK and ROI - this number is FREE to call and will not appear on your phone bill).CALM (the Campaign Against Living Miserably) offer a helpline open 5pm-midnight, 365 days a year, on 0800 58 58 58, and a webchat service.The Mix is a free support service for people under 25. Call 0808 808 4994 or email [email protected] Mental Illness offers practical help through its advice line which can be reached on 0808 801 0525 (Monday to Friday 10am-4pm). More info can be found on rethink.org.Related...'It’s The Ultimate Insta vs Reality Moment': The Quiet Struggle New Mums Don’t Talk About'New Parenting Fear Unlocked': Mum Opens Up About 'Violating' Incident At Indoor PlaygroundOne Parent’s Behaviour At My Child’s Gymnastics Class Sent Me Into A Rage. Then I Realised Something I Didn’t See Coming.

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