Your Adult Children Fell Out. Don't Make These Mistakes Now They're Not Speaking

Your children haven’t lived at home for a number of years. Yet, all of a sudden, they’ve fallen out. They won’t speak, they avoid each other at family events (or don’t show at all), it seems serious. You know you need to stay out of it, because if you take sides, you’re ultimately going to ostracise one of your children. But equally the temptation to fix, fix, fix is overwhelming – because that’s what you did when they were kids.And they still need you? Right? Charlotte Braithwaite, a BACP accredited psychotherapist and coach, told HuffPost UK: “When adult children fall out, it can leave parents feeling helpless, unsure whether to intervene or step back.”This dilemma is compounded by the blurred lines of parenthood, she added, as there is “no ceremonial moment that defines when a child becomes fully independent”, and plenty of parents “continue to feel responsible long after their children have grown”.Why do adult siblings fight?A poll of 2,000 UK adults by NOW found a quarter still argue and compete with their siblings – even though they’re now adults. Meanwhile, one third of respondents said that an argument with a sibling has led to a period of not talking to them.Arguments between adult siblings can kick off for many reasons, whether it’s unresolved childhood issues (very likely), power dynamics, financial squabbles (also likely), or simply clashing values and personalities. “Differing values or lifestyles can create tension between people, whether this is due to political differences, contrasting parenting approaches, or conflicting priorities,” said BACP accredited counsellor Jenny Warwick.With siblings, old family dynamics can stick around well into adulthood, too. “Even though you’re no longer under the same roof, the memories (or scars) of childhood roles, rivalries, or perceived favouritism can still shape interactions,” said the counsellor.“It’s easy to slip back into those familiar roles: the ‘baby of the family,’ the ‘middle child,’ as well as all the emotions and behaviours that come with them.”Indeed, therapist Ayo Adesioye suggests “unresolved childhood issues” are likely being reenacted when siblings fight – even if it’s not what the argument appears to be about on the surface.Siblings can harbour resentment for a number of reasons “such as birth order (youngest is the ‘baby’ of the family and often more protected), the sibling having had complex needs (e.g. learning, health, mental health), a more dominant sibling who naturally takes up more space, or parental favouritism including gender preferences and partiality towards the highest achieving sibling,” she explained. In addition to the deep complexities of sibling relationship dynamics growing up, other triggers for sibling fights can include big family events and milestones, where emotions are heightened anyway – think weddings, funerals, etc – which can “bring back long-standing resentments to the surface”, added Warwick. Then, as parents age and begin to need more support, feuds can crop up once more – especially if one sibling feels burdened with care responsibilities or unsupported. On top of this, Braithwaite suggests that in today’s world of “fractured attention spans and online interactions”, many adult siblings are “entering complex emotional territory with fewer relational skills than ever before”.“Social atrophy – the erosion of our capacity to engage in nuanced, in-person dialogue – has quietly shaped a generation that often finds it easier to disengage than to repair,” she said.Honestly, it’s a wonder really that there are any siblings out there who aren’t fighting. What can parents do about it?Resist the urge to fix itWhile it’s heartbreaking to see your children fighting, and you might inevitably want to help restore peace, Roya Rahmanzadeh, a BACP registered therapist, warns against trying to mediate, smooth things over or encourage forgiveness – as it can “backfire” and adult children might feel like their pain isn’t being taken seriously. “Often, the most supportive thing a parent can do is to stay connected to both children without taking sides, and to accept that reconciliation can’t be rushed or forced,” she said. Adesioye agrees: “A mediator needs to be neutral and objective, which parents often aren’t despite their best efforts.“It may be hard for them to separate their own grievances from the aggrieved sibling or simply just not take sides. Also, sibling dynamics are personal to each sibling and can be complex – a dynamic that even the siblings themselves may not fully understand, let alone the parents.“Therefore, trying to navigate the maze without fully understanding the inner workings of the relationship could complicate things even further.”Try to be neutralAdult children need to work through their own boundaries and repair things in their own time (if and when they’re ready), said Warwick. The counsellor urged parents to avoid taking sides and added: “Whatever you do, don’t share one sibling’s complaints with the other” as this can damage trust and deepen divides even more.“Instead, focus on your own relationship with each child individually,” she advised. “Keeping your bond with each of them strong and separate from the conflict will help them feel secure, even when they’re distant from each other.”Even though you’re neutral and won’t be getting involved in the conflict, that doesn’t mean you have to take a step back entirely. “Do not ignore what’s happening, acknowledge their pain and the fact that it’s difficult – then leave them to get on with it,” said Adesioye.“Recognise that, like anyone, they will grow and learn valuable lessons as a result. You could suggest that they have individual therapy or family/sibling therapy which is a growing trend.”Take accountabilityWhile it’s not the parent’s job to fix the sibling relationship, “acknowledging any part they may have played in shaping those dynamics can be a powerful act of accountability”, suggested Braithwaite.For example, if you believe you might have paid more attention to one sibling growing up, or have previously taken sides that might’ve fuelled resentment, acknowledging this can be important.“In systemic family work, this kind of self-reflection can ripple out, easing longstanding tensions and creating space for healing across the wider family field,” she suggested. Look after yourselfThis period can bring a lot of emotion, and even grief, so it’s important to care for your own wellbeing right now.“Watching your children clash can be enormously upsetting,” said Warwick. “It’s important to remember that it’s no longer your role to fix things as you might have when they were little and having a scrap.“If you’re feeling stuck in the middle, talking to a counsellor can be a helpful way to work through the emotions that come with this.”And don’t lose hope. Warwick concludes that this disagreement “may be how things are now, but relationships can and do change over time”.“Even long periods of estrangement can be followed by a reconnection, so try to stay open to change,” she said. “In the meantime, rather than forcing them together, support them in maintaining respectful boundaries. This is what lays the groundwork for future repair.”Related...'I Refused To Give My Siblings Any Of Our Grandma's Inheritance. Am I Wrong?'Youngest Children May Have 1 Health Advantage Over Their SiblingsMy Siblings And I Have An Unusual Age Gap. Here's What It's Like.

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