'Fawning' is Gen Z's new fight-or-flight response

Gen Zers can struggle with people-pleasing because they have more ways to feel rejected.Getty Images; Alyssa Powell/BIMeg Josephson, a therapist, used to be a people-pleaser.The author of "Are You Mad at Me?" said Gen Zers can also struggle with people-pleasing.She said growing up online can heighten feelings of rejection and hypervigilance.Meg Josephson grew up as a people-pleaser.Raised in a home she describes as volatile, she remembers monitoring her father's reactions, desperately trying to smooth tensions over."Being a perfectionist and being kind of always on was very protective for me," Josephson told Business Insider. "It was the one thing in my control to kind of keep my dad's moods at bay."Meg Josephson, a therapist, grew up walking on eggshells in her home.David GoddardOnce she left home, however, she realized that people-pleasing was her default response, even when no one was actually mad at her.It was when she started going to therapy herself that she learned how much she relied on the fawn response to fear — placating instead of entering fight, flight, or freeze.Healing from her fawning inspired her to become a therapist. Now, she said, many of her Gen Z clients and social media followers seem to especially struggle with people-pleasing."Social media and digital communication have played a huge, huge, huge role in the Gen Z fawn response," Josephson said.Online life magnifies rejection and makes it so much easier to seek validation, meaning Gen Zers with people-pleasing tendencies can get stuck in a never-ending, approval-hunting loop, she said. Josephson titled her upcoming book "Are You Mad at Me?", out August 5, because she hears it so often in everyday conversations.Luckily, being a people-pleaser isn't a fixed trait, she said. Even Gen Zers can shed that identity — if they're willing to let it go.Warpspeed rejectionSmartphones and social media offer more ways to feel rejected.Maskot/Getty Images/MaskotThe classic precursor for people-pleasing is if you were If being raised in a dysfunctional environments or by emotionally immature parents. contributes to people-pleasing behavior, That wouldn't make Gen Zers are not a unique generation. Reactive or abusive parents have existed forever.Still, it's the online world Gen Zers grew up in that primes them to feel abandoned more often, triggering a need for reassurance that their relationships are stable."There are so many ways to connect now, and because of that, there are so many ways to feel forgotten," Josephson said.While past generations were limited to in-person interactions, letters, or phone calls, Gen Zers can feel validated — or rejected by — so much more. Their best friend not "liking" their Instagram photo. A crush leaving their DM on read. A group of their friends posting a Snapchat without them.This can lead them to fawning, which Josephson considers "almost a more modernized threat response" compared to fight or flight.An unanswered text may not be frightening enough to trigger physically running away, but it can pressure someone to send more clarifying texts in the frantic hope that their friend isn't upset with them. The fawn response, at its core, is "I need this external validation to know that I'm safe," she said.To complicate matters even more, online life is both rife with posts about how people should behave and opportunities to be misunderstood."We don't hold a lot of room for nuance because we want digestible, short, snappy information," Josephson said.She said one of the first steps to healing is realizing that we're all inundated with high expectations, heightening "this ridiculous standard that we hold ourselves to internally."An endless supply of reassuranceTexting and even AI chatbots make it easier to immediately seek reassurance.Halfpoint Images/Getty ImagesPerpetual people-pleasers might fall into a common trap: rampant reassurance-seeking. It can look like texting "Are you mad at me?" to a friend or asking your partner if they're still into the relationship.Validation-seeking can become a cycle because "we're getting this relief for a split second," Josephson said. But done in excess, it can strain relationships, she said.Disorders like relationship OCD, for example, can manifest as constantly needing positive feedback from a romantic partner — an ultimately unsustainable dynamic.Some people ask the group chats to weigh in on their Hinge date, post about their friends in anonymous forums, or even consult ChatGPT. Still, Josephson said that too much outsourcing is a bad idea. AI, in particular, is a dangerous crutch.ChatGPT "does have the intelligence to validate, but because it's not a real relationship with a real person, there's a limitation," Josephson said. The chatbot may empathetically respond with all the reasons your friend probably isn't mad at you, but probably won't tell you that you're asking that question way too often.How to ditch the people-pleaser labelThere are over 140 million TikTok posts about being a people-pleaser. While social media posts can help identify and relate to a problem, they can also nudge people into viewing their people-pleasing as a permanent personality trait.Josephson said that she works with clients to move away from labels that can keep them stuck. "It's not an identity, but rather it's a self-protective pattern," she said. "It's this younger part of you that has learned to be on high alert to manage people's moods as a way to protect you, but that doesn't mean you always need protecting now."One of the best starting points is pausing — putting the phone down or taking a beat in the middle of a heated conversation. A moment of mindfulness, "even if it's just for 10 seconds," can help you acknowledge the fear without immediately reacting to it, Josephson said."If you're oversharing because you want to feel understood, pause. What do you actually want to say, versus what's coming from a place of fawning?"Done consistently, this practice becomes the stepping stone for other habits, like tolerating discomfort in a conflict or setting boundaries.You might still end that pause in the same place — worrying that you've unknowingly angered someone. The difference is in what you'll do next.Read the original article on Business Insider

Comments

Business News

Indian businesses in SoCal brace for 25% tariff hike: 'More expensive to do business day by day'

LA Times

Mirror

Marrying a surgery resident has redefined how I think about relationships. Support is picking up the slack without keeping score.

about 2 hours ago

A 'seismic' 39% tariff on Switzerland is rocking the watch world, and even pre-owned Rolexes could see price hikes

insider

I'm 81 and work at Trader Joe's to help pay off $70,000 in debt and launch a business. I don't want to be treated like I'm an old person.

about 3 hours ago

I got a job within 30 days by sending personalized slide decks in place of cover letters. See how I did it.

insider

Comments

Business News

Indian businesses in SoCal brace for 25% tariff hike: 'More expensive to do business day by day'

185-year-old Bridgerton costumier Angels screens investors

How Scrubbing Your Social Media Could Backfire–And Even Hurt Your Job Prospects

River Island's new crossbody bag looks designer but costs less than £50

'I'm 38 and live in a retirement village - I can’t believe how cheap the rent is’

Savvy hack scores skincare shoppers Rodial anti-ageing buys for a fraction of their price

Alex Jones' 'comfy and flattering' Boden trousers are 'selling like hot cakes'

Debenhams half price £139 egg chair is 'so comfortable' people fall asleep in it

Marrying a surgery resident has redefined how I think about relationships. Support is picking up the slack without keeping score.

A 'seismic' 39% tariff on Switzerland is rocking the watch world, and even pre-owned Rolexes could see price hikes

My husband and I made a pact never to divorce, even when it felt impossible. 30 years later, I'm glad we stayed.

Job seekers say it's bleak out there &mdash; and now the data agrees

Pharrell's auction house sold a 'holy grail' watch collection for over $1 million. These are the 5 priciest pieces.

I left my job in tech and moved to Spain. Being alone in a foreign country is hard, but it's changed me for the better.

Palmer Luckey has Hilary Duff on his Spotify playlist. These are the tunes BI staff have on theirs.

The Godfather of AI thinks the technology could invent its own language that we can't understand

The Whitney: Sierra Leone And Fierceness Put Their Rivalry On The Line

XngHan Makes Post-RIIZE, Dance-Pop Solo Comeback With ‘Waste No Time’

I caved and ordered Our Place’s 13-piece bundle with a £175 saving– was it worth it?

River Island's new £56 weekend bag looks just like Louis Vuitton’s £3.5k holdall

Lorraine Kelly's makeup artist shares anti-ageing product from Boots for 'dewy' skin

Lidl issues teatime meal 'do not eat' warning and advises customers

Wall Street internship season is ending. What to do if you don't get a return offer.

'Fawning' is Gen Z's new fight-or-flight response

My mom and I have been taking the same summer vacation for 30 years. It's relaxing and cost-efficient.

What work looks like in your 80s for half a million Americans

I'm 81 and work at Trader Joe's to help pay off $70,000 in debt and launch a business. I don't want to be treated like I'm an old person.

I got a job within 30 days by sending personalized slide decks in place of cover letters. See how I did it.

Would you pay $2,500 a year to scan your entire body for hidden diseases?

How companies can RTO without sparking a wave of resignations and a surge in quiet quitting

Triangles, Crescents, Slivers: Can Odd-Shaped Lots Help Ease the Housing Crisis?

Trade Fueled Inequality. Can Trump’s Tariffs Reduce It?

India Will Buy Russian Oil Despite Trump’s Threats, Officials Say

After a Lag, Consumers Begin to Feel the Pinch of Tariffs

Jaguar CEO Adrian Mardell steps down after ‘woke’ rebrand sparked massive social media firestorm

You Are Perfect Just As You Are Says Generative AI

‘I destroyed my skin barrier but this peptide-fuelled night cream healed it in days’

'Great value’ Liz Earle worth £89 hailed 'brilliant for travel' has £60 off

'I tried 5 Skims-style shaping bodysuits and this £20 one was surprisingly the best'

Young Brits warned against using Buy Now Pay Later to fund everyday purchases

‘I’m a shopping writer and these are the holiday clothes I’d buy for under £30'

Bag a free room upgrade worth £200 on a 'perfect' 8-day trip to Sri Lanka

Next's £37 cardigan for great 'chilly summer days' shoppers love in all three colours

10 DWP health conditions offering monthly payments of £749

Debt repayment trick will wipe all your credit card balances

Tracking tag that’s cheaper and ‘more accurate’ than Apple AirTags helps track suitcases on holiday

'I saved hundreds on my wedding dress by copying Stacey Solomon's genius trick'

'This £20 bag is my secret to avoiding Ryanair and easyJet luggage fines'

'I’ve always struggled to find shorts that fit my curves until these £27.50 ones'

American buys first Tesco meal deal and people have same comment about his choices

Rarest 50p coin with 200k in circulation – and it's worth hundreds more than face value

HRMC update on letters going out over state pension back payments worth £8,300

8 ways to save £725 in time for Christmas with minimal effort

Do you have more points on your driving licence than your neighbours? Find out with our penalty postcode search tool

I dreamt of buying a €1 house in Italy - here's why I couldn't go through with it

Do YOU have trouble using apps for parking and NHS appointments? Campaigners call for offline options

Are YOU a pension planner, putting it off - or relying on your partner? Take our quiz

Vegetable boxes for low income households

School uniform event is a helping hand for parents

Melissa Jefferson-Wooden Extends Unbeaten 100 Meter Streak With U.S. Title

Job seekers say it's bleak out there — and now the data agrees