I'm the primary parent and work multiple jobs while my husband pursues his dream. How do I get him to do his part?

Natalia Lebedinskaia/Getty ImagesFor Love & Money is a column from Business Insider answering your relationship and money questions.This week, a reader feels she's the only one working hard while her husband pursues his dream job.Our columnist spoke with personal finance author Ramit Sethi, who suggested having a series of conversations.Have a question for our columnist? Write to For Love & Money using this Google form.Dear For Love & Money,Up until four years ago, I was strictly a stay-at-home parent who coached seasonally. Now I am a teacher, a student, still a coach, and the primary "everything" parent. My money is intended for our three kids and my activities, a structure my husband and I agreed to before I started working.Well, since then, my husband, who works in sales, has had more zero-dollar months in the last two years than the rest of his 17-year career. He's also decided to pursue his dream job. I'm all for the dream job, but in the meantime, I think he needs to earn something to help.I've taken on yet another job that I hope to maintain when the school year begins. I shouldn't be the only one working this hard. I don't make enough to cover our day-to-day expenses, so it's been me, our church, and food stamps getting us through.I don't feel it's OK when capable people aren't doing their part. How do I make him see that I'm doing my part, so he needs to do his?Sincerely,Overworked HarpyDear Overworked,As absurd as it may seem, it's not hard to see why there's a societal pressure to figure out what we want to do for a living by as early as 18 years old— it feels a lot less financially practical to do so once you're a few kids in, with a mortgage to pay.While that may be the ideal, I know from personal experience it doesn't always go that way. Sometimes, it takes time to figure out our careers. When that happens, we have to make chasing our dreams and surviving financially work alongside one another.I know this better than most; my husband and I started our family before either of us graduated from college, and we've had to take turns being primary income earners and caregivers, to help finance each other's schemes. It isn't easy and has taken self-awareness, honesty, and constant communication. From what you've written, it sounds like these three traits are largely missing from how you and your husband navigate your current financial situation.Fortunately, learning how to communicate with your partner about this balance is the specialty of Ramit Sethi, author of the New York Times bestseller "Money for Couples" and host of a podcast of the same name. Every week on his podcast, Sethi helps families figure out how to achieve their "rich lives" together. "Rich life" is his term for a lifestyle that reflects your values, goals, and the things that bring you joy. When I shared your story with him to seek his advice, he emphasized that the most important thing is for you and your husband to have a shared vision. Right now, it doesn't seem you're on the same page.Even as your circumstances changed, your agreements did not. Now, you're responsible for all the bills, lifestyle expenses, and caregiving duties, and your husband apparently takes this arrangement for granted even as his income dries up. Sethi said it's essential to begin with how you both want your life to look and feel before drawing an arbitrary line down the middle of your bills. As Sethi explained, "Once you have a vision of your rich life, you're going to see if it's possible. If it's not possible, you're going to have to make some decisions about what to do."Only after you've done this should you run the numbers.Sethi suggested that the best way to address this unfair arrangement is through a series of conversations. It can be scary to get vulnerable with our partners, admit our limitations, lay out what we expect from them, and share our hopes and dreams for the future. So, we avoid having these hard discussions by getting it all done with one big "money talk," where we eyeball our finances and come up with solutions that seem basically fair.Instead, Sethi said, the topic of money needs to be an ongoing, enjoyable conversation between you and your partner. It doesn't need to be painful; his book contains several scripts for having these conversations. Sethi offered these opening statements:"I want us to be able to talk about money. I think it will be amazing for us to be on the same page and not stressed.""Right now, when we talk about money, I feel stressed and resentful. How does it feel for you?""When we talk about money, I want to feel confident and connected. How about you?"Once you've started this conversation, it's important to find a shared vision for your rich life. You can get there by saying, "Here's how I want our life to feel. How about you?"Sethi's scripts aren't accusatory. They are honest, curious, and non-judgmental, treating marital finances as a team effort rather than a battleground. Only when you have this shared vision with your husband can you strategize together how to achieve it.Sethi has a conscious spending plan you can use to do this. This is where your husband may find real direction. If your conscious spending plan says that a partner and father doing his fair share should be bringing in $5,000 a month, your husband can problem solve how to come up with that amount — saving you from quietly doing it all, or being a "harpy".Sethi suggests the first conversation in the series should be a short one that focuses on honesty and connection, but always end your conversations by scheduling your next. As ominous as a standing "money talk" with your husband may sound, remember that, handled well, it can be empowering and life-changing. Not to mention, as Sethi says, getting to talk about money is a "gift you will have for the rest of your life."All of this hinges, of course, on whether your husband is open to talking with you about money. If he isn't, I would look into couples therapy. Or, if it's more his style, sitting down with a financial planner to figure out how to make things between you more equitable. Your exhaustion and resentment matter. So far, this arrangement has worked for your husband because of your grace and work ethic. You deserve the same in return.Rooting for you,For Love & MoneyLooking for advice on how your savings, debt, or another financial challenge is affecting your relationships? Write to For Love & Money using this Google form.Read the original article on Business Insider

Comments

Business News

‘Peacemaker’ Season 2, Episode 1 Recap And Review: A Strong Start With A Few Problems

Forbes

The firms paying dividends of up to 15% you should invest in now - just look at this one whose shares rose 53% since I tipped them, reveals our money guru

about 5 hours ago

7 signs of a bad friend, and how to end your friendship

insider

I've juggled motherhood and my career for a decade, and it's exhausting. A 5-second strategy has completely changed my life.

about 5 hours ago

Inside the history of Soho House, the members-only club that bans photos and is going private again

insider

The CEO of Autodesk once dropped out of high school and was in trouble with the police. This advice changed his life path.

about 6 hours ago

The history of Elon Musk and Sam Altman's relationship and feuds, which date back to the early days of OpenAI

insider

Why you shouldn't apologise at the scene of a road collision: Fifth of drivers don't know how to react after a crash - here are the steps

about 10 hours ago

Mirror

LookFantastic fans pick up 'game changer' powder foundation as seasons shift

about 11 hours ago

newyorktimes

Why Haven’t Sanctions on Russia Stopped the War? The Money Is Still Flowing.

about 11 hours ago

Comments

Similar News

I went to M&S every day for a week to find yellow sticker bargains — they were best at 1 time of day

‘Cost of cancer left me in tears at the bank, now I’m saving £700 in retirement’

I'm the CEO of Supergut. My routine includes 25 wellness supplements, daily movement, and 'a little bit of chaos.'

I'm a mom of 3 and was overwhelmed with how much stuff we have. I started getting rid of 1 thing a day.

I ask strangers for parenting advice when I'm traveling. It's made me a better mom.

I'm a family law attorney. I've found my Gen Z clients are more willing to talk openly about finances &mdash; and prenups

I'm an Airbnb host in Las Vegas, and I'm worried about a tourism downturn and local rental restrictions

I'm a mom of 3 and founder of a cannabis brand. I talk to my kids about weed the same way I talk about alcohol.

B&M's 'cute' £30 gift set 'will make great Christmas present'

'I'm a shopping expert and I know a secret code on Aldi shelf labels'

I almost got swept up in the excitement of throwing a birthday party for my 2-year-old. I'm so glad we skipped it.

Taste of success at M&S - so is now the time to have a nibble at the shares? asks MAGGIE PAGANO

Food fight takes toll on Waitrose: Grocer boss James Bailey checks out amid growing challenge from M&S

YC-backed Garage raises $13.5M to help firefighters buy equipment

'I'm boycotting Tesco after meal deal price hike and new cost is outrageous'

'I'm a notorious holiday overpacker but this face palette is big game-changer'

M&S food bounces back with strong sales following cyber attack

I'm an AI artist working in Hollywood. Here's my advice for others looking to use the tech to boost their careers.

I'm a busy mom of 2 toddlers. Here are 8 items I always grab at Trader Joe's for quick and easy weeknight dinners.

I'm a salary negotiator. Here are 6 things I'd never do &mdash; and one tip I always follow to get more money.

Business News

‘Peacemaker’ Season 2, Episode 1 Recap And Review: A Strong Start With A Few Problems

The Detroit Pistons Might Have Priced Themselves Out Of Malik Beasley

Justin Bieber Earns A New No. 1 In America

Sabrina Carpenter May Be Headed For One Of The Biggest Debuts Of 2025

A New Rule In Business: The Reality Rule

The Cracker Barrel Logo Controversy, Explained

Half Of Benson Boone’s Pop Radio Hits Have Now Become Top 10 Smashes

Eight Green Bay Packers That Will Be Sweating As Cutdown Day Arrives

Pink Floyd’s Masterpiece Sees Sales Explode As It ReturnsTo The Charts

Poundland to shut another 12 stores across the UK today - is it vanishing from YOUR high street?

Want to live in 10 of the most popular school districts? Be ready to pay double &mdash; or quadruple &mdash; the price.

Canada's retaliatory tariffs have left the U.S. wine industry reeling

Warning Signs Abound In Trade Data As Fed Hints At Lowering Interest Rates

New Look owners pick bankers to fashion sale process

Put your money into savings or your pension - what you need to know

The firms paying dividends of up to 15% you should invest in now - just look at this one whose shares rose 53% since I tipped them, reveals our money guru

7 signs of a bad friend, and how to end your friendship

Here's how canceling an Uber ride affects your rating

A career path many college grads counted on is getting harder to come by

I've been homeschooling my kids for 6 years, and my oldest is starting his senior year. It's been hard, but worth it.

I've juggled motherhood and my career for a decade, and it's exhausting. A 5-second strategy has completely changed my life.

Inside the history of Soho House, the members-only club that bans photos and is going private again

Verizon salaries revealed: How much the telecom giant pays program managers, software developers, and other tech workers

Ancestry used to need 9 months to scan census records and make connections for users. AI cut it to under 9 days.

I went to M&S every day for a week to find yellow sticker bargains — they were best at 1 time of day

‘Luxurious’ bedding that ‘doesn’t need ironing’ is must-have for university flats

Six youthful ways to wear denim for autumn with trending buys from £22