My partner's an impulsive spender while I'm a saver. I'm worried for our kids' future — how can I get through to him?

Filmstax/Getty ImagesFor Love & Money is a column from Business Insider answering your relationship and money questions.This week, a reader worries about how their partner's impulsive spending could impact their kids one day.Our columnist suggests the reader stop bailing their partner out and consider estate planning.Have a question for our columnist? Write to For Love & Money using this Google form.Dear For Love & Money,I'm in a relationship with a good man, but we're polar opposites in finance. I'm the income earner, have no debt, and own our primary residence. He, on the other hand, has little to no equity. I tried to help him refinance his credit card debt twice using my credit line. That didn't work, so I gave up trying to talk to him about personal finance.He's an impulsive spender, but his impulses don't last long. He likes material things; at this stage of my life, I have no interest in them. He wanted an RV, so I contributed a substantial amount to help him qualify for financing. We sold it after a couple of years. He wanted a cottage, which I paid hundreds of thousands of dollars for, thinking we could enjoy it together. Three years later, he now wants to sell it because it's not on the water. He bought an ATV, which is hardly used and sits in the garage. Now he wants a boat while we're trying to sell the cottage in a challenging market.He said he wasn't asking me for anything, and I replied, "Because you never have to ask. I do these things for you because we are a couple, but I have limits."I think about estate planning, and I'm concerned about him and the kids when I'm gone. How do I get through to him? I agreed to the cottage because I want him to own something and to have a place of his own. Help!Sincerely,The Hero He Doesn't Know He NeedsDear Hero,"He said he wasn't asking me for anything, and I replied, 'Because you never have to.'" This line of your letter seems to sum up your dynamic. Your partner doesn't appear to like thinking about the future beyond his next adventure. Credit card debt seems to sneak up on him, even as he accrues it. Retirement appears to have never crossed his mind. Why should it? You take care of all that boring stuff.You say you do these things — the income earning, debt restructuring, equity building, and future planning — because you're a couple. The way you worded that feels like a value you hold — that couples look out for each other, and half of the couple can't sit idly by while the other half drowns in debt. This is a worthy ideal, but in relationships like yours, where the support isn't reciprocal, it can start to feel parental. How stressful must it be for you to worry about your partner as if he were your child? As for him, how will he ever learn how to stand on his own if you always serve as a crutch?The wording of your letter suggests that you keep your finances separate. Based on what you shared, it seems best for you to keep it that way. So, let his value of not asking you for financial help play out to its natural conclusions. If he wants to buy a lake house, a boat, a jetski, or any other current fixations and won't listen to your gentle suggestions to more carefully consider his financial situation, let him do it on his dime — even if you know he can't afford it and it'll lead to credit card debt that he'll never pay off on his own. I understand you love this man, and watching him sink when you could easily throw him a life preserver will feel excruciating. But he's an adult who is entitled to make his own decisions — even when those decisions are mistakes.In the meantime, you can still pay for date nights and other mutually desired experiences and events. This approach respects his limitations, gives him space to figure out his finances, and allows you to still enjoy your relationship without worrying about his money problems. As frustrating as his attitude toward money may be, you said he's a good man. This setup will allow you to treat him on your terms.If he does end up asking for your help, you can set parameters to ensure your help isn't undermined by his future choices. You said that the two of you are "polar opposites in finance," and that's worth keeping in mind. When it comes to integrating money management styles, identifying who is the more mature and responsible one has little to do with finding the harmonious path forward; the path is defined by mutual respect and loving boundaries. Both of those qualities are more likely to emerge organically if he learns to ask for your help, rather than you always anticipating his needs.That said, I understand your anxiety about a future when you aren't present to protect your kids and save your partner from his financial impulses. Ultimately, this comes down to estate planning. To advise you on the best way to approach this, I consulted Justin Rush, a certified financial planner who specializes in tailoring his clients' financial plans to their unique needs. He recommended that you hire a CFP or estate planning attorney to help you and your partner work toward shared goals, especially since you don't seem to have many currently. While I know you've given up trying to talk to your partner about personal finance, including him in this meeting will hopefully nudge him toward thinking about the future.According to Rush, finding consensus on money goals can go more smoothly with a third party present. Expert third parties are helpful not only because of their knowledge, but also because they can serve as scapegoats to filter disagreements through.Estate planners are also adept at getting creative within the framework of your goals, Rush said. This includes devising strategies to provide financial support for your partner while safeguarding your children's interests from any poor decisions he might make in your absence. You can structure trusts with specific stipulations, such as limiting your partner's withdrawals to a certain amount, according to specific earnings markers.Rush and I agree that the love you feel for your partner is evident in every line of your letter. Unfortunately for all of us, anxiety and affection often go hand-in-hand. But I believe your love can triumph over your worry, as long as you don't confuse them and set clear boundaries to ensure the financial well-being of your partner and your kids.Rooting for you,For Love & MoneyLooking for advice on how your savings, debt, or another financial challenge is affecting your relationships? Write to For Love & Money using this Google form.Read the original article on Business Insider

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My partner's an impulsive spender while I'm a saver. I'm worried for our kids' future — how can I get through to him?