I’m A Child Psychologist. But I Can’t Solve The Problem That Made My Daughter Cry

“Being in this town, with its loving and supportive community, has not spared my biracial, Black-presenting daughter from the stings of racism and bias,” writes the author.If your house is anything like mine, KPop Demon Hunters rules your playlists. My 7-year-old daughter (who skips about 30% of the movie to avoid the scary bits) is an absolute devotee.She proudly shared that she had created a KPop Demon Hunters club after school, where she and fellow devotees lip-sync the catchy lyrics to Takedown or Golden and act out various scenes under the clear skies of the elementary school playground.We’re sure to see scores of children dressed as Rumi, the movie’s central character, for Halloween. But my daughter won’t be one of them. A few nights ago, she tearfully told me, “I can’t be Rumi because I don’t have light skin. I have brown skin. Some girls with light skin told me that.”Silence.I drew in a sharp breath. I felt dizzy. My heart was in the lowest pit of my stomach.And I realised, with equal parts sadness and fury, that it is silence – the silence of white parents on topics of race, racism, and bias – that perpetuates the conditions that made that moment on the playground possible.The U.S. continues to be a deeply racialised society, one with a strong and swift discriminatory undercurrent. Parents who do not want their children swept away in the undertow must break their silence and talk to their kids about race. That is especially true for parents of white children.My family (intentionally) lives in a small New England town where I experience a deep sense of community and belonging. I love it here. On a typical walk, I pass more affirming yard signs than I do people and dogs.Yet being in this town, with its loving and supportive community, has not spared my biracial, Black-presenting daughter from the stings of racism and bias. Stings that are all too familiar to me as a Black woman who grew up in the deep South in the 1990s and early 2000s.Our town is not perfect. It is, after all, embedded within these racialised United States. And my daughter has had several racially biased encounters here. This often surprises my white friends. Which, in turn, surprises me.Research shows that white children show both a preference for other white children and bias against Black individuals, all before Kindergarten. Black children, on the other hand, encounter racial discrimination as early as age 6. The reality is that opposing bias and racism is not simply a belief that one holds. It is not a sign in the yard. The fullest expression of this principle comes with action. And action can come in many forms – including critical conversations with our children.Yes, many American parents struggle to talk with their children about race. But this is especially the case for white American parents.That’s partly because they haven’t always felt they needed to. Meanwhile, parents of Black Americans have been having these conversations with our children for decades. Many will be familiar with “the talk.” Though it sounds like a singular event, “the talk” is an example of a larger, more complex process called racial socialisation, or how parents teach their children about race and its social implications. Continuous messaging, both implicit and explicit, sets children’s understanding about established racial social hierarchies, attitudes and beliefs about race, and how these patterns can be harmful. It sets the stage for broader identity development.Research has focused heavily on racial socialisation practices among Black American families, particularly around messaging to prepare Black American children for inevitable experiences of racial bias and discrimination.Yet research has also repeatedly demonstrated that white American parents, even those who acknowledge the importance of such conversations and messaging, avoid talking about race and racism with their children.Some say it’s too negative and upsetting or even irrelevant. Others who skirt these conversations fall prey to a well-meaning but unhelpful colourblind ideology (“I don’t see colour”) or other racial neutralisation strategies. They report believing that not discussing race will prevent their child from noticing differences and thus shield them from developing biases.Unfortunately, this osmotic learning strategy is not supported by the research. All children are racially socialised, whether they have explicit guidance from their caregivers or not.On the other hand, studies have found that when parents of white American children do facilitate racially conscious (as opposed to colourblind) discussions – conversations that acknowledge the history and ongoing implications of race and racism – white children show a significant decrease in bias. These conversations can and do have an impact.To start, white parents can increase their awareness of racial biases that often develop as early as preschool, resist neutralisation of race with “racial colourblindness” strategies, and explicitly convey their values and beliefs about race to their children. The conversation must be ongoing to be effective.Let me be very clear: I am in no way suggesting that the white children on the playground that day with my daughter are racist. I would not even go so far as to suggest that they intended harm with their remarks. But the harm their words created was immense. I suspect their remarks arose from critical gaps in their learning, which must begin at home.I hugged my daughter, told her how sorry I was, and reassured her that she could be Rumi or any character that she chose. I told her that the girls had made a mistake and said the wrong thing. I acknowledged that their words had been hurtful. But the damage was done. She ultimately chose a different costume.I grieve for my daughter. The surge of joy I felt as the bubbly melodies of the KPop Demon Hunters soundtrack floated through our home has been replaced by sorrow. Now, the music brings me to tears. This story may be difficult to read. It has been excruciating to live. But my purpose in telling it is not a guilt trip. It is a challenge to silence, expressed in the form of harmful, biased ideas exchanged between children on the playground.Silence that keeps the status quo alive and well. Undiscussed and, thus, unchecked.There is no way to avoid the emotions, including discomfort, that may arise when talking to children about racism and bias. But in not having a conversation about race with your children, you are still telling them about race.And the consequences can be devastating.Amber W. Childs is a clinical psychologist and associate professor of psychiatry at Yale School of Medicine, where she is a Public Voices fellow of the Op-Ed Project in partnership with Yale University.Do you have a compelling personal story you’d like to see published on HuffPost? Find out what we’re looking for here and send us a pitch at [email protected] Is Happening Among Nursery Age Kids. We Cannot Ignore ItWhy This Word Used To Describe Systemic Racism Is So Damn TriggeringMy 5-Year-Old Daughter Told Me She Wanted To Take Pole Dancing Lessons. Here's What I Told Her.

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