'My Boys, 8 And 11, Still Bath Together – My Friends Think It's Inappropriate'

Stock image of two brothers in the bath. A parent has asked if they should be enforcing separate bath times now their sons are eight and 11 years old – and it’s proven to be a divisive topic. Writing on Mumsnet’s Am I Being Unreasonable forum, the parent said their sons “adore each other and are pretty much inseparable, which also includes bath time”.“I have never had a problem with them bathing together as that’s what they choose to do, but some of my friends who have children of a similar age have started making comments that it isn’t appropriate,” they said. In particular, the parent’s friends have taken issue with the eldest son sharing a bath because he is approaching the age of puberty (the average age for girls to start puberty is 11, while for boys it’s 12).The parent pointed out that they’re not making their children share a bath – they simply like bathing together. “I give them [the] option to bathe alone if that’s what they’d prefer, but they don’t want to,” they added, before asking if they should be enforcing separate baths.Some commenters were of the opinion that their comes a certain age – usually when kids start secondary school or hit puberty – where it might be wise to start implementing privacy around bathing.“I think this is [a] time where as their parent you start encouraging them to bathe alone. I do think it’s too old now and your eldest needs to start having some privacy,” said one respondent.Another said: “I’d be enforcing separate bath times. I’d do it in a gentle way rather than make them feel they were wrong for it but they do need to know that bathing together isn’t appropriate.”But there were also many commenters who didn’t see any issue. “Personally I think as long as they are happy, it is fine,” said one respondent.“In the UK we are quite conservative about nudity, which influences people’s views. It would seem odd if you prevented then having a bath together when they are used to it. I imagine your eldest will decide to stop soon enough without your interference.”Another said: “I imagine your elder son will decide soon enough that he doesn’t want to share anymore. I think if the boys are both happy with it then it’s fine.”Is there an age when siblings should stop bathing together?First up, consider safetyThere is no strict clinical or legal age when children should start bathing independently, Dr Patapia Tzotzoli, clinical psychologist and founder of My Triage Network, told HuffPost UK.“Readiness depends more on maturity, motor skills, and safety awareness than age, and parents should adjust for each child’s needs,” she explained.In the UK, safety guidance states children under the age of five must never be left alone in the bath. Yet “between about five and eight years, parents need to stay nearby for supervision”, warned Dr Tzotzoli.You can be gradually handing over tasks, such as teaching them how to properly wash themselves and wash their hair, during this time. “The goal is to build autonomy and competence over time. Parents can start by framing bath time as their private time, important for relaxation and self-care. They should talk about privacy and use correct anatomical terms when discussing private parts with their children,” said Dr Tzotzoli.“By around 8-10 years, many children can manage the full routine independently with an adult nearby and periodically checking on them,” the psychologist said. A survey found the average age that adults believed a child could bathe alone was 7.5 years old. Former sex education teacher Kathleen Hema suggests parents can start offering separate baths once safety isn’t a concern. “This age can be different for each child and when parents feel there is no safety risk,” she explained.See how your kids feel about itOnce they’ve reached an age where safety is less of an issue, it’s worth telling your children they can bathe separately if they want – perhaps to gauge how they would feel about it, and whether they would want to. “There’s nothing inherently wrong with siblings bathing together. Nor is there anything wrong with siblings bathing separately,” Hema told HuffPost UK.“If the kids aren’t respecting each other during bath time (not respecting boundaries), then there is a reason to end it. Or if one kid says they want to bathe separately, then there is a reason to end it.”It’s important to set boundaries from a young age around not touching other people’s genitals – including siblings. “Ensuring safety and comfort for all siblings is the parent’s job,” Hema continued. “Parents can check in with their kids by reminding them they can shower separately whenever they want.“They can also discuss privacy and what that means to them and let their kids know that they can request privacy at any time.”Erica Miller, clinical psychologist and director at Connected Minds NYC, previously told Scary Mommy in her experience, children “begin to express more of a desire for privacy around 10 years old”.Although she noted “this may come earlier for girls than boys who often begin puberty earlier”.Ultimately, the time when siblings might no longer want to have a bath together can depend on a range of things – a child’s comfort levels, maturation, desire for more privacy, or simply wanting more space (it can be a tight squeeze in the tub as kids get bigger!).If a child decides they no longer want to bathe with siblings, the important thing for us to do as parents is respect that wish. Related...Here's How Often Kids Should Bathe, And Why It’s About More Than Just The SmellWhat Is Pacing? The Kate Middleton-Approved Parenting Trick For Young KidsIs This The Perfect Response When Kids Say 'I'm Bored'?

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