'My Mum Expects Me To Care For Her In Old Age. How Do I Tell Her I Can't?'

Woman looking concernedOver-50s own 78% of the UK’s property wealth, and the Financial Times reports that one in five “Boomers” are millionaires (largely due to soaring property prices). But, like all modern wealth, this is a story of deep inequality. The Centre For Ageing Better says that roughly 18% of older people live in relative poverty; one in six over-55s have zero retirement savings, and 9-12% of rough sleepers are believed to be over 55.Which means that renting long past retirement age, never mind costly nursing home care, is out of the question for many.That might lead some, like the mother of Redditor u/Swimsmoke, to assume their children will help with their housing, care, and costs in their old age.But, like the 6.6 million UK adults who say they wouldn’t know where to start with the commitment, the site user said they’re not sure they’re able to do it. We asked Dr Barbara Sparacino, an adult and geriatric psychiatrist also known as The Ageing Parent Coach, how to handle the situation. The original poster (OP) feels guilty Writing to the forum r/AmItheAsshole (AITA), the OP said that her 63-year-old mother retired from her career 15 years ago but has been making money through a soap business since. “She lives in a small studio and has a car but not much else to her name,” the woman added, stating that her mother is quite frivolous with her spending and likes to travel a lot.Ahead of a hip surgery, her mum has started to think about what her future will look like and expects her 30-year-old daughter to “help”. OP has a few reservations. Firstly, their relationship is a little fraught, and the poster says their mother delivered “bare minimum” care in their teens. Then, guilt, money, and time come into it. “I also feel some amount of responsibility for the woman who birthed me, a woman who had a hard and traumatising life as well – but I don’t have the resources to help in any real capacity,” they wrote. “I don’t have money to throw at the problem, I don’t want to use all my time off for the year taking care of her, and I wouldn’t get paid if I take leave, which I won’t even qualify to take until another six months from now.” She ended, “AITA for putting myself first here?” Honesty is the kindest policySpeaking to HuffPost UK, Dr Sparacino said that, “Often, these expectations are unspoken. A parent might have spent years believing you’d ‘step in one day,’ even if that was never discussed.“When you finally say you can’t, guilt and fear can flood in, but honesty is an act of love, too.” There is no point offering something you cannot emotionally or financially afford, she added. So, try to stay clear-sighted and precise about what you’re really able to offer – even if that doesn’t feel like much. “Maybe you can help plan for future care, find resources, or support them emotionally, but you can’t take on full-time or financial responsibility. That’s not neglect; that’s setting a boundary rooted in realism and care,” the psychiatrist said. She recommends saying something like, “Mum, I love you and want you to be well supported as you get older. But I can’t be your full-time caregiver. I’d like to help you make a plan so you’ll have what you need.”Dr Sparacino added that your parent might respond with fear, anger, or sadness. “Try to respond with calm empathy: ‘I know this is hard to hear, but I want us to plan ahead so neither of us faces this alone,’” she stated.“You’re not rejecting your parent; you’re protecting both of you from burnout, resentment, and crisis later on. Love without boundaries leads to depletion, not devotion.“If you’re struggling with this kind of conversation, you don’t have to figure it out alone, reach out to a professional experienced in ageing and family dynamics for guidance and support.” Help and support:Mind, open Monday to Friday, 9am-6pm on 0300 123 3393.Samaritans offers a listening service which is open 24 hours a day, on 116 123 (UK and ROI - this number is FREE to call and will not appear on your phone bill).CALM (the Campaign Against Living Miserably) offer a helpline open 5pm-midnight, 365 days a year, on 0800 58 58 58, and a webchat service.The Mix is a free support service for people under 25. Call 0808 808 4994 or email [email protected] Mental Illness offers practical help through its advice line which can be reached on 0808 801 0525 (Monday to Friday 10am-4pm). More info can be found on rethink.org.Related...'My Mother-In-Law Huffed At Me For Breastfeeding. Was My Reaction Unfair?'I Chose To Cut My Daughter’s Gymnastics Journey Short – Here's WhyMy 5-Year-Old Daughter Told Me She Wanted To Take Pole Dancing Lessons. Here's What I Told Her.

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