People Can Never Keep Their Mouths Shut About This Life Choice – And Now We Know Why

I was a teen in a small Midwestern town, surrounded by cornfields and cows, when I went vegetarian 45 years ago.While my parents tolerated it, I soon realised that many people took it personally and weighed in with “you won’t get enough protein” or “live a little, have some ham,” as someone angrily tossed a slice onto my plate.But it’s not just vegetarians who get under other people’s skin. When a friend or family member makes a change, whether it’s going gluten-free, paleo or vegan, everyone involved has feelings. Over the years, I’ve seen relationships forever changed, even professional ones.I was just a teenager at the time, but I could sense that people’s reactions to my meatless plate went deeper than just wanting me to enjoy Thanksgiving.Now, as a chef and educator, I’ve watched the debates rage over special diet requests, assessing some as valid and others as attention-seeking.So I asked three experts to weigh in on why people react so strongly. Understanding, on both sides, might just help keep the peace.It creates more work for hostsIn the moment, the first response is often motivated by the inconvenience of someone needing a different entrée at a meal or get-together. It’s more work for the host if the guest doesn’t bring food or somehow make an effort to make it easier.Denise Dudley, who has a Ph.D. in behavioural psychology, explains: “We should acknowledge there’s the added logistical challenge when someone’s food choices suddenly change – separate dishes to prepare, special ingredients, restaurant changes, etc.“If you’re the one who does the meal planning and cooking for an entire family (or group of roommates, etc.), it’s hard enough to please all palates without the added hassle of having to remember who eats what.”If you have a gluten sensitivity, that's not for anyone to judge.It can feel like a change to cultural identity and ritualWhen families gather over a meal, they’re often sharing family recipes. For immigrant families, this is a powerful connection to the homeland. When members of the group reject part of the feast, it can be seen as a rejection of the family history, culture and traditions. “Food is significantly intertwined with cultural and racial identity. It serves as a powerful medium for expressing one’s heritage, belonging and resistance. Sociologically, foods and practices around foods reflect the values, histories and social structures of a group. The shaping of food practices reinforces identity from one generation to the next,” according to David W. Wahl, assistant professor of sociology and criminology at McMurry University, Abilene, Texas.If you thought that a pie was just a pie, you might not have been seeing the big picture. Wahl sees a sweet potato pie or a meal of handmade tamales as a powerful way to stay connected to the ancestors.“For example, African American soul food – rooted in survival strategies during slavery – combines ingredients like collard greens and cornbread with communal cooking practices, symbolising resilience and shared history,” Wahl said. For these groups, participating in food-centred rituals is a way to hang on to a culture that can easily be lost in the whirlwind of our ever-changing society. Rejecting a food ritual can be seen as rejecting your part in the collective identity.It can make a host feel rejectedBeyond the practical aspect of having to make extra food, there’s the possibility of hurt feelings over the rejection. The experience of a group all tasting the same tastes, enjoying the same sensations, is important to people, even if they can’t put it into words.Dudley has been navigating life as a vegetarian for many years and has personal insights. “Food is social glue,” she said. “Shared meals serve as an evolutionary bonding ritual. Cultural anthropologists believe that communal eating has deep, ancient evolutionary roots; it was how early humans built tribal trust and cohesion.Dudley understands that changing your diet can be a bigger deal than you think.“When someone ‘opts out’ of the group meal ritual by deciding to eat differently – even for completely valid reasons, like health and wellness concerns – others may experience it as a withdrawal from the implied social contract,” Dudley added.It can put the dietary outlier in an uncomfortable spotTo promote my vegetarian cookbooks, I did many radio and TV spots where I was often the butt of a joke or two. I became a regular on a local TV show, making meatless dishes.One male host liked to throw in little barbs, and once asked me on air when I had last had a McDonald’s burger, and insisted that he take me out for one. He clearly took my food choices personally.Dudley sees defensiveness as a common response, although it doesn’t have to be: “It’s the implied judgment effect. A dietary change can unintentionally be interpreted as a critique of someone else’s choices – even when no judgment was intended. Social comparison theory explains that people often evaluate themselves in relation to others. When your plate looks different, it can feel like an unspoken ‘I’m doing it better,’ which can make others defensive.” People take your own choices as judgment on theirsWhether the plant-based eaters say anything or not, the belief that we shouldn’t kill animals to eat is often an underlying reason for the diet. That puts some burger-lovers in an uncomfortable place.Jared Piazza, a senior lecturer in the department of psychology at Lancaster University, studies the psychology of diet and sees a moral component.“When someone 'opts out' of the group meal ritual by deciding to eat differently... others may experience it as a withdrawal from the implied social contract," said Denise Dudley.“The defensiveness comes from feeling that one is being morally criticised for a choice that should be viewed as a personal decision and not as a matter of morality,” Piazza said.“By contrast, for many individuals who reject meat, eating is not merely a personal decision, since individual consumer choices can have direct and indirect impacts on the lives of sentient beings and the planet.”To a regular consumer of burgers and steaks, eating what you like is a simple choice. Opening up a discussion on whether it is right or wrong is personal.Piazza said: “Many arguments about meat hinge on a person’s perspective about a) whether eating meat should be viewed as a morally relevant decision or not, b) whether animal lives matter morally or not, and c) whether we need to eat meat in the first place. If you believe that eating meat is completely down to personal choice or that farmed animals have little moral value, you will resent others for trying to make you believe otherwise.” Meat has a perceived tie to masculinityMy husband, a vegetarian for 52 years, worked as a carpenter. He was the only vegetarian on every crew, and took plenty of grief, including the implication that he was less manly. For some of the guys, it took a while for them to believe he could handle the work. On the other hand, once he’d worked with people for a while, without fail, someone would tell him that having him there had influenced them to eat more salads. According to Piazza, meat and masculinity go way back: “Historically, many societies have had gender-based divisions of labour where men played a larger role in food provision involving animals, whether that was hunting, pastoralism or farming. In many of these societies, securing meat and having access to meat became associated with power, status, and strength, which in patriarchal societies was often the domain of men.”This deep-seated belief continues to flourish, as we grapple with ideas about what masculinity and gender. The association with meat, protein and masculinity is deep and ongoing.Piazza sees this today, too. “In these societies, and even today, men are the main consumers of meat. Because of this historical trend, over time, meat – particularly red meat – has taken on a symbolic or psychological value,” Piazza said.“It is associated with masculinity, strength, aggression and domination over nature, which appeals to masculine-oriented men. Animal proteins are also presented by sports nutritionists and media as essential for building muscle, athletic performance, and bodybuilding, which appeals to many men who pursue such goals.”Veganism touches a particular nerveCutting out the barbecue because your cholesterol is high, or you’re trying to lose a few pounds, may be OK with the pitmaster, but going vegan seems to really touch a nerve. In fact, there are actually people who identify (online) as “anti-vegan”.Piazza has been studying this phenomenon for a while and sees it this way: “Vegans represent a challenge or threat to the majority view and draw attention to the potential issues with animal agriculture. As such, they are often met with resentment, and prejudicial views toward vegans appear often in popular media. Impressions of vegans as moralistic (self-righteous, opinionated, judgmental) and extreme (militant, overbearing) account for much of the antipathy and discrimination against which is consistent with the idea that vegans pose a symbolic or ideological threat to omnivores.“Studies show that prejudice towards vegans is particularly high among cis-gendered males, politically right-leaning, those who endorse traditional views of gender, and those who endorse hierarchical views of society and dominating attitudes towards animals.”How can we still eat together?Whether you are the person opting out of the traditional foods or the host, we can all still break bread if we put a little effort into it, both beforehand and on the day of. Spending time with family and friends is too valuable to let it become a point of contention.Dudley gives this advice on how to reduce tension for everyone.For the dietary changer: Communicate early and clearly, especially for events. Offer to bring a dish that everyone can enjoy.Avoid framing your choice as “better.” Keep it personal, as in, “This works best for me,” rather than talking about how it’s better for the planet, or people’s arteries, or whatever ― even if it is! Saying things like that will prompt defensiveness. Show sincere appreciation for others’ efforts to accommodate you.For the group:Avoid making the person the punchline (“Just a little bacon won’t kill you”).Focus on connection – the point of the meal is togetherness, not identical plates.Invite them anyway, even if you’re unsure how the food situation will work. Chances are, this person already knows how to successfully navigate a dinner party. It can be baffling on both sides, but a little compassion goes a long way. It helps to remember that the traditional food lover is feeling judged, and that’s painful. Hopefully, they can see how their reactions affect the people making a change. Food can still be fun, together.Related...3 Foods An Expert Thinks Are Ruining Your SleepThese 'Healthy' Foods Don't Help You Live Longer, According To Experts2 Foods The NHS Warns You Should Only Eat Once A Week

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