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QUENTIN LETTS: Starmer had the tone of a gopher grateful to a mafia don for not having him rubbed out in the parking lot

This is going to sound like a Barbara Cartland novel but it actually happened. Donald Trump seized Peter Mandelson's hand and went all husky.

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QUENTIN LETTS: When the MP finally stopped talking, the guide dog in front of her rolled over and stuck its four legs in the air, stiff as a corpse

QUENTIN LETTS: Minister's eyes said I cannot tell you too much in case I have to strangle you afterwards...

QUENTIN LETTS: Why is the political class hated? Because our rulers have turned the language into mush

Rocketing dud Sir Keir did well to answer the most boring man in Parliament, writes QUENTIN LETTS

QUENTIN LETTS: Goofball Ed pranced into the Commons dressage ring with gnashers bared

QUENTIN LETTS: Major Tim was a chatty fellow... space travel does that - look at the Clangers!

QUENTIN LETTS: There's been an uptick in groovy Americanisms - but going forward you can toss them in the trash can!

QUENTIN LETTS: The Colombian's interpreter at Ed Miliband's global energy shindig had a growly voice worthy of any Spaghetti Western bandido

QUENTIN LETTS: Kemi produced a monocle-popper over Starmer's lack of 'balls'. I think I saw one of the clerks flinch

Bridget looked likely to smash a pint glass in the nearest Hooray Henry's face - QUENTIN LETTS

Treachery. Buck-passing. Dirty tricks. QUENTIN LETTS reveals why, as a daily observer of the Commons bear pit, I find the Easter story so timeless and compelling

QUENTIN LETTS: At every New Zero slight, Ed fumbled furtively with his lower lip... then left

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